ho hum

I am depressive lately I don't know what my prob is but it is getting on my own nerves. I think it could have to do w/ not eating right or exercising. Anyway I just feel like watching Donnie Darko and listening to Mad World over and over. Ho hum.

I have had a mini vacation at my parents house this weekend while Jarrod is in Virginia. I stayed here two nights and am going to my gma's tonight. Don't ask me why it is myhouse is too depressing to go home to. Everything is depressing to me lately. Pity pity.

My parents pool sure is fun and feels GOOD. Mahna has gotten to really like it after three days of swimmin'. Even the dogz like it. I think my parents are really glad they put it in. We had a very familyish resort style weekend with lots of parties and good food by the pool. Even CORONA!!!!!! mmmmmmmm that makes me not depressed haha.

Love you all and thanks for the comments oh bythe way Mahna's first word was MAMA but that was a month or so ago and she has said Dada since then but it was so cute when she actually said DADDY! She also just got her third tooth and looks pretty grown up next to Stephanie's 2 month old!

XOXO

BaCK in Teyhaus

yo readerz i am back from the midwest. Twas a glorious fun filled adventure I must say. A vacation should truly be an escape from "real life" and this was. I didn't know it at the time but it sunk in on the drive home. If it weren't for the Huz being here I may not have returned. The moment I entered Kansas City I had this feeling of "I want to live here again". I can not explain this feeling to Jarrod because he does not see why I would love it there so much. It is gorgeous, peaceful and most importantly my best friends and family live there. It was cool seeing my cousin Adam as soon as we arrived and his adorable 21 month old son who looks just like him. His wife and stepdaughter are awesome people who make you feel just at home. Shortly after we ate a homemade spaghetti dinner I went over to Kelly and Lynne's to see my little angel Golden Kindred who has grown a foot just since Thanksgiving. He was in the upstairs window when we drove up and squealing in delight through the screen. I couldn't have felt more welcome and anticipated if there were a zillion flowers on the lawn. Mahna, my little shy flower, took immediately to Gold in a magical way. She met him at Thanksgiving when they came to Texas, but she was 3 months old at the time. They do "talk" on the phone, but seriously it was so cool how immediately comfortable and happy she was with him. The rest of the trip grownups were trying ever so persistantly to get her to let them hold her with not much luck. She is a mama's girl, what can I say??? So the first night I stayed with them and spent the next morning playing w/ mahna and gold for a couple hours then my aunt becky came over to meet her favoritest great neice. Then Nikki came over and we went out for THAI food *YUM* and had great conversation. My mom took gold and mahna to play w/ my cuzins baby Blake so Nikki and I could catch a movie, too. We saw "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" which is awesome and I highly recommend. It is a chick flick just to warn you. Anna, Mahna and I stayed the night w/ Nikki and she cooked us up an amazing dinner and we watched Little Black Book which was pretty cute. It was very fun and memorable. Saturday I hung out at Lynne and Kelly's playing w/ Mahna and Gold and Sat. night Kimmy came to get me and we hung out at her house. She just got a new house........ she is a homeowner, her and her husband. They made me feel very comfortable. Their house is awesome and struck a jealous tingle in me. Mahna started busting thru a top tooth that night and there were HUGE storms so she didn't sleep well, but Kimmy and I still had fun and snuck in some good conversations and watched half of RAISING HELEN on her super comfy bed. The next day we went to Wally world and I went back to Kelly and Lynne's to hook up w/ Becky, Spencer and Lori. It was so awesome to meet up with everyone and I really enjoyed the house full of family and food. Every conversation was great and this blog entry may be sounding repetitive but every ounce of the trip was just wonderful. That night I stayed w/ kelly and lynne. Gold had to go to summer school early Mon. morning so I looked at a cool website ASTRO.COM w/ Lynne and then Kimmy picked me up to have lunch w/ her at work. Some people got stuck on the elevator at her work which was so crazy. She works at a hospital. Then Lynne and Gold and Mahna and I went to some groovacious shops in Brookside that afternoon. Lynne got Mahna two cool books and bought us all ice cream....mmmmmm. On the way to the car Mahna reached over and grabbed Gold's head and started kissing it then reached out her arms for Lynne..... it was asif she realized we were leaving soon and needed to show them some luv. I am really tired now so all these words are blurring together but I want to get out as much of my memories as I can. My mom came and got me from their house around 8 :15 and I got my cell phone from her which I had left in her car on accident GRRRRRRRR so I noticed I missed a call from Lori. So I called to see what was up and she said she would see me next trip since we were almost to Adam's house. Then I checked my voicemail and she had invited us for coffee at 7:15. I felt REALLY horrible because I would have loved to see their place if I had KNOWN. It is my stupid fault for leaving my phone in the car and that was the only bad point of the trip because I feel like I might have made them feel like I was ignoring or blowing them off and that is not what I meant to happen. We had fun at Adam's house that night> Cynthia and Ryan came over which was awesome. I miss Ryan so much as he was like a brother to me for so long and it had been prob. 2-3 yrs since I last saw him. This morning we got up at 7 and were on the road by 9 but lots of stops along the way so we got home late. My mom did all the driving and was very patient w/ mahna's screaming at times and my grumpiness for wanting to be HOME already and tired of being in the car. Ahhhh. To be home. Jarrod was on cloud nine seeing Mahna and I think they played for like 90 minutes straight without a break. She even said DADDY! She has said da da but she actually looke dat him and said DADDY! TOO CUTE. So on with life we go.......... Tomorrow (WEDS) is my dadeo's fiftieth bday. YES THAT IS 50! Maybe a little shindig going on this weekend. Jarrod will be out of town, but Kendra will be IN TOWN! Woo hoo. Sounds like a good excuse for a sleepover at my parents house. Thanks for reading. Caroline

countdown

I am counting down hours now to my trip to Kansas City. I am a nervous wreck. I will be taking my beautiful child to show the people i love out there oh so much. It will be a rush rush tho seeing each person for only a day or less. I sure do love in in KC and would almost live there in a heartbeat if Jarrod wanted to. He probably won't ever want to leave Texas tho, and I can understand. Anna is helping me get my to do list and to pack list in order. Tomorrow will be filled w/ lots of laundry for not only do I need to wash Mahna's and my wardrobe but I must make sure my husband will have a semi clean house and laundry to survive w/out me for six days. Housecleaning is a big stresser for me because I can't seem to put Mahna down long enough to DO IT! Plus this home of ours which we share with Casey is all wood/linoleum and we have a big gravel driveway which means constant dust and dirt which is only controllable by daily vacuuming/sweeping/mopping. I was once the queen of the most challenging home to keep clean. ANyway thanks to Anna staying w/ me the last few days I have been able to do more than usual as she entertains Mahna. Mahna just keeps getting cuter and cuter. Tonight we gave her some nibbles of snowcone and she got very hyper. Casey was chasing her as she crawled w/ all her might screaming like only girls do in delight. Quite adorable. I am glad I get to take her every where with me. Even at Don Pablos tonight when she was hollering to get other patron's attention I could just see the most adorable baby ever sitting in the highchair. OH and she got her 9 month pics taken today. She was quite clingy w/ me as it was a new photographer, so I ended up sitting UNDER the sheet/background while she was photographed. U actually can't even tell in the pictures but it was amusing.

Last night we, as in me and Anna, watched DONNIE DARKO. If you have not seen this movie you must see this movie!!!!!!! It was so great. So unlike any other movie I have seen. TOtally unpredictable, as most mainstream movies are. It is a Sundance film, which made me like it before I even saw it. I actually got to watch two movies this Memorial day weekend. The other one was MEET THE FOCKERS, which I thought was totally hilarious.

Anna is doing my toenails now, what a lucky sister am I!

Adios and Goodnight. Thanks for reading...........

2 much fun

I have found the music downloads and it is fun! :) I am using music net at aol and I do admit that they don't have a few of the songs i am trying to find, but maybe all muzic sites are that way. Who knows. Can you believe this costs $9 a month plus one buck per song??? Oh well it is still fun. So far I have downloaded, Eminem mockingbird, No Doubt "It's my life", Britney Spears "Slave 4 u", Lita Ford/Ozzy "Close my eyes forever", Remy Zero "Save me", 50 Cent "in da club". I am so addicted! :) It is cool in a way cuz u can download whatever u want for free and then if you want to burn them to CD that is when they cost a dollar. I have only paid for two so far. I heard there is a free way to get songs but I am so behind on this music thing because of having a crapped out no memory having computer for such a long time. I feel like such a supastar having my own CD BURNER NOW!!!!!!!!!! yippee

Today was fun. I got up at the buttcrack of dawn to take my parents to the airport so they could celebrate 30 yrs of marriage in San Fran. I hope they have a glorious time. Anyone who still likes each other after that many years of cohabitation deserves a good trip. :) I am proud to have parents who are still married and purdy darn happy about it. Anyway Jarrod kept Mahna which meant he had to get out of bed w/ her from 6-7 a.m. on a Sunday. Not his favorite thing but they were having a blast by the time I got home at 7:30. I got her to go back to sleep w/ me for about 30 min and that didn't work so we got up and got ready and made it to the 9 am church service. My grandma was happy to sit w/ us in the "parent's box". Then she got to show Mahna off to her friends and I got to chat w/ my friend Brent. A while later me and Mahna and Anna Banana went to Lara's graduation swim party and Mahna enjoyed a sorda cold swim but she was very excited about being in such a huge bathtub.

Well Mahna poo is sleeping now so I guess I will find something fun to do or maybe just go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.. xoxo caroline

ok

maybe we are moving maybe we are not. who knows. apartments that are cheap are uber ghettoish and that sucks. the good thing would be carpet for Mahna..... maybe we can "tough" it out here a little longer and look for a cheap hud home or sumthing.......... this is all depressing me and making me think constant negatory thoughts yo!

on a happy note i get to go to Kansas City next weekend to see Gold, Nikki, Kimmy and the rest of my family I miss and love oh so much. Jarrod gets to go see Freddy in Virginia the weekend after that. Purdy COOL!

adios

okay it is final

We are moving....... Now the question is just whether we are moving by the end of this month or if we are waiting another month. More to come tomorrow........

moving pros and cons

wE might be moving to an apartment. we have not made our decision. Pros of an apartment are our own space and privacy. back to using our nice dishes etc in a kitchen thats not ghetto. no more wood floors, nice fluffy carpet for mahna. cons of moving sad to leave our neighbors, puts stress on Casey to make money faster, costs us more so we won't be able to save as much. it would be safer for mahna than this house is so that is a pro. also it is across the street from the gym i like to go to so that is cool. who knows!

Take the good with the bad

The day started out bad. My dear lovely soulmate friend Bryn moved to Idaho. My husband asked me to find us an apartment so we can move in the next two weeks. He is having too too many problems with his brother, and parents. It is a situation coming to a boiling point.

The day has gotten better because I got a LAPTOP!!!!!!!!! Anyone who has been around me at all lately has known that is ALL I have had on my mind. I wanted to purchase one with credit on DELL.COM but could only qualify for 18% interest and UM NO!!!! So my mom offered to let me get a computer on their credit and pay them back. Jarrod said NO MORE BORROWING (I borrowed b/c of tuition and car repairs before) and that I would have to save up for it. Well I saved up almost $200 so far, so it was in the future for me but not the IMMEDIATE future. Today my mom asked if I could come over and wait for a delivery she had coming and might not be here for. So after touring a crappy but cheap apartment close to my gym in Lewisville I solemly drove over to package sit for her. Much to my shock and oh my gosh just SHOCK my dad had bought me a laptop!!! He said I can trade in my old laptop and the Macintosh that i have for this one! Where else could I get such a great deal??? I mean my laptop is worth didly but the Mac is actually sellable and loaded for anyone who would be LOOKING for a Mac. So I am just on cloud nine! This screen is enormous! It has wireless, 512 mb memory and I can burn CDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY COW!!!!!! I am going to be up all night now! ha! This is so killer it just makes everything okay. Of course Jarrod is not thrilled. he wanted to teach me a lesson and lost on that one but he will enjoy the computer too. HOORay!!!!!!!!!!

yo yo

I had a good 1st Momma's day. It didn't feel like it was about me, I don't know how to explain it but I didn't feel like mothers day was abou tCaroline. i felt like it was for my mom. I wanted to make her feel happy and queen for the day. It was cool cuz Kendra was here and so we all got to be together. Minus franky of course. I am glad he at least called my mom. I was worried she would be secretly depressed because he blew her off. Of course he was too bizy cleaning the house he lives in now to come by and see her or his sister who came from Austin....... Oh well. Maybe he will come around someday. It is just wierd when you grow up all close to all your siblings and then one of them sort of falls off the face of the earth. Change of subject but there are three CD's that I want that are all quite different genres. I want the new 50 Cent, Gwen Stefani and In Utero by Nirvana. i think I will check out what Amazon.com has to offer me. I got to talk to my buddy ol' pal Cynde tonight who is the designer of my website and a lifelong friend. That was cool. My friend Bryn is moving to Idaho in a week or so and that really bums me out cuz she is a soulmate type friend. Mahna got her first tooth on Mother's day and I broke my toe by accidently kicking an ottoman at my parents house. Lucky for me there is a clinic for people w/out insurance here in lewisville that only costs $30. I have only one house to clean this week on Thursday and an option for another one on Friday, but I dunno. i got a suprise package from my friend Nikki in Kansas City today with an outfit for Mahna, a really awesome fairy card and some stickers and a homemade CD. I am looking into buying a Dell laptop for about $550. Mine is pretty crappy and the screen is broken off the keyboard. I got a new pair of pants yesterday that was two sizes smaller than I wore a few months ago. THAT is a good feeling!!! well that is my update for those of you that love me
XOXO

Go Mavs

Let's hope the MAVERICKS can kick some booty tonight and stay inthe playoffs! We are having a few peeps over so hopefully it will be a good night. I am dead tired from staying up too late w/ Bryn last night. It was a lot of fun tho so I don' t regret it. She is moving to Idaho in 10 days so I am trying to get her to come over every day!!! I can't believe all my friends always MOVE AWAY!!! Grrrrr. Well I have a yummy recipe for you. I never knew how EASY it is to make stromboli. All you need is a refrigerated pizza crust and a few insides.

Here is the one I made, but you could make one w/ pepperoni and mozzerella or whatever.

1/4 C low fat deli ham
1/2 C low fat mozzerella
1 refrigerated pizza crust
broccoli, peppers etc
1 egg
Italian seasoning

roll out pizza crust (I put mine on my pizza stone) put in ingredients except EGG and fold over to close and seal ends then flip over so seal is on bottom. Beat the egg w/ a fork and brush egg over dough. Cook at 350 for 15-25 minutes until golden brown. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Serves about 4 people

i feel like a princess!

I feel like a princess because I have a dishwasher, AND a stove! Yes thank you Casey! I actually have a pretty much normal kitchen. It stays clean looking most of the time now and it is just so awesome. I have also lost another four pounds so I am happy about that, I feel like i am on my way to where I want to be. I am still not on a really regular workout thing, but I am working toward it. I have a gym membership. It has free babysitting. Mahna hates it! Darn. But I figure eventually she will get used to it and enjoy the other lil kiddos and have a good time. Jarrod's job is pretty wacky right now. He started a new one and the deal is that he learns each route, as in running them for 2 wks and then someone is hired to run the route, he gets a different one and is in charge of phone calls and problems on the past route(s). So that is cool, except that he is doing two jobs at once now and getting paid one salary. He is really keeping his head up and looking toward the future benefits of it, but I know it is mentally grueling. The new route he started just two days ago starts at 6:30 AM in downtown dallas and ends at 5:15 pm. THIS is why I do not like the courier business. LONG days. Well hopefully it will lead up to a paid vacation and office job w/ no need for buying a tank of gas every other day. We will see! my dryer is working today, which those who know me know that is rare. I am happy to be doing LAUNDRY. yes I am a domestic wierdo. Haha. This is the first time I have done Mahna's laundry in 3 wks. She is lucky enough to have a very LARGE wardrobe. This also has to do with the fact she can still wear things she was wearing at Thanksgiving. she is just a little peanut child. Weighing maybe 15 pounds these days. Poor thing has a cold right now and it really does make her miserable at times. She is a busy one nonetheless. Crawling all over the house, eating the cat's food and opening up cabinets. So far I think it is pretty fun chasing her. Cleaning jobs have been pretty good lately. I guess it really comes in spurts and this is a busy spurt. My grandma is out of town visiting her sister, who has alzheimers, which must be very hard for her since her sister was her best friend growing up. She usually babysits Mahna and really LOVES the job. My mom has been watching Mahna this week and Mahna is sick so not so much fun to watch, but they do like eachother a lot and are cute together. My mom is very good at getting her to take a nap on her chest. So sweet! Well I better go. Thanks for reading!

Weight Watchers Promo

I am happy to say after 5 wks on the "weightwatchers plan" I have lost 9.4 pounds! Yippee! Of course, I need to lose a lot more and it is not very obvious I have lost anything yet, but it is good to know it is going DOWN. My parents are putting in a pool so ya know I gotta look 1/2 way decent in my skivvies. (a swimsuit is skivvies, right???) haha. So far it is the best diet I have tried because you can eat whatever you want as long as you count the "point value" for each thing and don't go over a certain amt of points per day. So I don't feel so depraved and I am forcing myself to learn to eat smaller portions. So it's all good, 'yo! That's all for now. Tomorrow and Friday are cleaning days, Sat. is Mahna's 8 month pics and sunday is Jarrod's 27th bday. ADIOS!

no title

Well I was very close to getting a free king size bed but darn! The ppl had already given it away last week. Oh well. Casey got out last weds. Things have been fine. We are all getting along great. He rigged my dryer so I didn't have to do laundry at my mom's this week. Should be a relief to her since I have been over taking her laundry room every Monday for a couple months now. I have nothing interesting to say so I will talk to u later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

news!

Casey is getting out of jail on Weds. I am hopeful that things will be fine. It is really good to hear that he will be out of jail. I know it will be a big relief for him and his family. We all got along fine before, so hopefully it will still be the same. Things will be different for him. 2 1/2 years of missing out on daily happenings and not driving etc. Lucky for him he has a very supportive family and an uncle who just started a new company which he will be offered a decent paying job at. Now we just need to get him a BED. hmmmmmmmmmm......

I think I am goign to go get a haircut this week! Tomorrow I have a new house to clean in Irving and then I get to spend my earnings on my cat Nina's shots. Joy! One of our neighbors is making Mahna a pole thing to hang her new swing from! She loves to swing. This morning while I was making my bed she crawled from her bedroom to mine. It was so cute, and she was so proud of herself!!!

Well Jarrod is home for lunch so I better go!

coated?

Today I actually made it to church. I am sorry to say I really got nothing out of it. I enjoyed the singing but came away with no deep thoughts. I wonder if I should have just stayed home and read more of "messy spirituality" my new favorite book.

We spent the day w/ jarrods grandparents and it was magical. I saw a rainbow that was vivid and purdy purdy purdy.

Jarrod starts a new job tomorrow. I hope that he will be relaxed and confident and do a good job. Mostly I hope that this new company his uncle signed him into is going to be successful.

Casey should be out in a couple weeks. I wonder how things will be for him. For us. Hmmm. I wonder how much longer until we get a house of our own. I am anxious.

like the new look?

Yes as you have probably looked in on my blog for the last two weeks you have noticed the new picture and design of my blog. Thanks to my talented friend Cynde I have a whole new appearance to the sight. My friend not only does this website for me with her own design, but she is also an inspiration to me. If anyone on the planet should be a personal trainer it is her. All my life I have wanted someone to say get up and go DO and she does. So yea. THanx CC.

Last weekend as you may know if you read Kendra's blog (www.crylaughsnort.blogspot.com) my parents, Jarrod, me mahna, anna and my gma went to Austin for Easter. It was oh so fun. Maybe double fun for me because I had extra help with Mahna and therefor got to partake in some fun activities I usually don't. Hee hee. I also bask in the warm feeling of being with MANY family members. This part of me wants to have many children. Then I snap back into reality. Haha. My favorite time during childhood/teenagehood was goign to the Lake of the Ozarks to my Mimi and Papa's lake house during summer. There would be lots of family members just swarms in the kitchen then on the dock, and swimming, watching tv. It was a safe, secure and always fun environment.

Mahna learned to sit up by herself!!!!!!! I am so proud of her! I know EVERY baby does this but it was so cool to watch her try and try for about 3-4 weeks and finally one day...... POP she got up by herself. Too cool. She is also on a steady twice a day babyfood diet now, although most of her food is still Mama's Milk. I hadn't blogged about this, but I was having a hard time getting her to eat any rice cereal etc. and the DR said "it was time". Well I read part of my new favorite book "NIGHTTIME PARENTING" by Dr. Sears and his advice is every child is different and just let it happen when it is good for them. So I completely quit with the baby food fight for a week straight. When I started up again...... she loves it! She is so funny and cute to watch eat. She makes sounds for everything and I swear this child has electricity in her blood. Crazy crazy cool

I did honestly have intentions of goign to church this morning. I stayed up til 2 am doing digital picture stuff and then when I woke up at 8:15 I realized there was not much chance of getting me and Mahna ready in time for church. Then I was going to go to the later service but when it was time to take a shower Mahna and Jarrod were playing in the bed and it was just too cute to leave....... Ugh. I really gotta work on this section of my life. At least I have MOPS. I am very thankful for my mom's friend signing me up for that. It is good to have other people who discuss spiritual things, things that are real. I don't know why the rest of the WORLD doesn't, since it really is an important thing to so many... Hmm I dunno.

Well Stephanie had her baby! I am so happy for her. She had to have a C section which sucks but I am glad her baby and her are okay. I can't wait to meet little Addy. I wish I had money so I could go buy her a cute little preemie outfit>.. She is only 6 pounds!!!

Thanks for reading! Come back soon.

OKay I am just a big puss. I talked to "boss lady" today and didn't even tell her I didn't want to clean for her anymore. ( if this makes no sense read yesterdays blog) I guess I will wait and either call her or just clean for her again and see what her "list" consists of. My momma says I shouldn't be doing someone's house who just stresses me out. Hmmmmmm.... Well anywayz

today is a good day. I pretty much finished the taxes! WHOO HOO! Self employment + baby = complicated taxes. Mom held Mahna while I did them and Anna kept me silent company. She is staying w/ me for spring break so it should be FUN! She got her braces off today and looks like a whole new Anna! :) We took Mahna for an adventure walk today in a new snobby unbuilt $400,000 house neighborhood close to my parents neighborhood. Crazy that ppl pay so much for houses so cramped together. How great can they really be??? EEK

Well Casey supposedly gets out in 2-3 wks. Wow is that going to be a big change in lifestyle. I have been getting lots of new cleaning offers lately which is pretty groovacious. I am thinking a about joining WEIGHT WATCHERS. It is the only place/gimmick/fad diet I have found that offers something for breastfeeding mothers other than "eat healthy and small portions". And we all know if I could do that I would not be a heffulump.

ADIOS!

VENT

Today I busted my ass cleaning a house. I literally worked to the point of being sore tonight. I strive to always please my clients, not only for the reason of their satisfaction, but for myself to feel that I did a wonderful job and am a good cleaning lady. I know that I am good at what I do and I enjoy it and I love to make people feel good about their home and brighten their day with no dirt in the corners, etc. It makes pretty much anyone feel great to come home to a clean shiny house. If someone asks me to do something, I do more than what they ask me to do. For example if someone asks me to dust their blinds, I will dust them and wipe the dirt off with a wet cloth. I enjoy serving people. I like to be a flexible housekeeper who can adjust to each individual for what they personally want for their money. Now for the lady I cleaned for today. First of all her husband has a problem with how much I charge. Before me they had a hispanic woman who stayed for 6 hours every Saturday to do whatever Boss Lady told her to (for less than I charge). I explained during our initial meeting that I charge a certain amount for four hours of work and I will get their house cleaned in that amount of time and am willing to do whatever else she might need once I finish the main cleaning, IF there is extra time. I am very prompt and am known to stay 10 minutes extra, even. If I say I will be there at 9 a.m. I will be. I also agreed to do this womans house every other Saturday which I am not really fond of working the weekend, but I agreed, since she works out of her home. So the second time I cleaned for her she came in (while I am scrubbing her toilet, I might add) 1 1/2 hours before I was to leave upset that I might not finish cleaning the whole house. She said her husband was worried they were paying me this large amount of money and I would not be finishing their house like I promised, and that I had spent TOO MUCH time cleaning their kitchen. I pushed down my hurt feelings and told her nicely that I would definately finish cleaning her house within the allotted time frame and resisted the urge to remind her both sides of her sink had been overflowing with crusty dishes. So okay then today I was there over my four hours, their vacuum quit working, so I had to sweep all their floors with a broom that was basically a worn down nub. I mop the floors then dry them with towels to prevent water spots. I offered to bring my vacuum over tomorrow for free, if they couldn't get theirs working. So I get a message on my answering machine tonight (in a sweet as sugar voice) that they would really appreciate if I could bring my vacuum over tomorrow, oh and also they need to "go over a few things with me" because I didn't finish all they wanted done today and she guesses she just "needs to make me a list" because I must not be used to their house yet.

Okay I am just irritated. I don't like being talked down to and I just want to tell this woman to go get her cheap maid back again if that is what she wants. I am not a slave and if she and her husband don't like what I charge for CLEANING than they can find someone else! I have a few other people offering me work right now and everyone I clean for compliments my work and no one has EVER treated me like a lower life form or something like that. I do this job because I want to and I enjoy cleaning and making things beautiful. I do not HAVE to do this. I am not some brainless person waiting to be talked down to.

So I am thinking about quitting her house. I am going to load up my vacuum and my baby and vacuum her house tomorrow for free. I will listen to her side of things and what she sees. I will decide whether this business relationship is worth it or not. Maybe I am being too touchy, sensitive or defensive? If you have read this far, tell me what you think.

finally!

I swear Mahna has been against me blogging this week. Every time I have sat down to answer these interview questions she has needed something! Well here is my attempt, one week later...

1. What 5 CD's would I have if that is all I could have?

Sarah McLachlan Fumbling Toward Ecstacy (high school)
Chemical Bros. Exit Planet Dust (kendra)
Venus Hum (or) Apoctygma Berserk (sp?)I can't choose !!!!!!
Tori Amos To Venus and Back
City of Angels soundtrack (this is a must b/c it is what I listened to in the hospital over and over when Gold was born)

2. What's the thing u like best about your parents?


They are very generous and don't expect anything in return. They are innocent and cute in a lot of ways. My mom is one of my best friends. Most of all I think I like that they love me no matter what and forgive me for my numerous and repeated mistakes, and don't remind me of them or rub them in!

3. Based on your experience in Highschool what advice would you give to current high schoolers?

My initaial answer is NOTHING because most teenagers don't want to hear any advice because they can figure it all out for themself. Haha! I don't mean that to be mean, it is just true.

But if they would listen, I would say

DON"T HAVE SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that if more kids could/would abstain they could find themselves easier and figure out what they really wanted after highschool better. Also, to take advantage of "extracirricular activities" such as drama, sports, clubs, volunteering etc etc etc to just broaden their horizons and experience MORE and not just pigeon hole their life into a social experience that won't even matter in a few years.
(I may continue this answer later)

4. What has being married taught you thus far about yourself?

That I am freakin lucky to have not ended up with an abusive freaky loser!!!!!!!!!!! haha

It has taught me that I am strong and determined! It has made me realize that I really am able to be a "happy person".

5. What book influenced you the most at this point in your life?

Hm....... The book I think about the most is either certain bible verses, or books I have read about babies. I also really enjoyed Anne Lammott "Travelling Mercies" which sort of gave me a new view of being able to have strong faith and spirituality without expecting myself to be someone else or be 'sinless'.

Thanks for the questions, Brent. Sorry it took so long to get around to answering!

go ahead & ask

i have been seeing interviews among blogz lately and i want to be interviewed! so ask away and if u want to ask something offensive anonymously i am game for that, too!

Just Say No (to cokes)

I think this essay is very informative and convincing: Just say no to drinking sodas and feeding them to yer kids! EEK


WHY I DON'T DRINK SOFT DRINKS (AND WISH YOU DIDN'T)

by William Frazier, M.P.H., N.C.

There has never been motivation until now for me to assemble in one place

all the information I have accumulated through the years on the harmful

effects of soft drinks, especially colas and those containing phosphoric

acid. Here is a partial list. (My prayer is that multitudes will be able to

personally profit from reading this compendium of facts.)



DISEASE FLOURISHES IN AN ACID ph - COLA-TYPE DRINKS ARE ACID

"All kinds of soft drinks are very acidic, especially colas. In order to

neutralize a glass of cola, it takes 32 glasses of high ph alkaline water."

It is well known by the medical profession that disease loves acid. In

fact, a physician from Loma Linda University said in a speech that if we

could get our cells to maintain a normal ph (slightly alkaline), cancer

could not grow in our bodies."



CERTAIN SOFT DRINKS AND CANCER MAY BE RELATED

Francisco Contraries, M.D., of the Contraries Cancer Clinic in Kiajuana,

Mexico said, "Cancer is like a plant cell; it can't live in an oxygen-rich

environment. cola drinks make our bodies poor in oxygen. cancer is the

second cause of death in America. The average American is consuming 800 Or

more soft drinks annually. Be more responsible for your own life; doctors

have no responsibility for another's health."



SOFT DRINKS OFFEND THE KIDNEYS

A three year study of over 1,000 men with a history of kidney stones

showed: "There was a clear-cut difference in the group's experiences, with

much less renal colic in the men who had avoided soft drinks. Of those who

continued to use soft drinks, there was also a big difference in outcome

depending upon the nature of the soft drink consumed. Soft drinks acidified

with phosphoric acid were the worst offenders. Colas of all kinds, of

course, are well known for their high phosphoric acid content."



COLA DRINKS PROVIDE ZERO NUTRIENTS

As pointed out by Beatrice Hunter in her book, CONSUMER BEWARE (published

in 1971), "Nutritionally, soft drinks are low in value. Their food energy

comes solely from refined sugar. Every element of nutritional importance,

except calories, is zero. Soft drinks have much in common with hard liquor,

claimed the co-discoverer of insulin, Dr. Charles Best. Cirrhosis of the

liver has been found among teenagers who drink large quantities of soft

drinks, as well as among chronic alcoholics." Can we live without a

functioning liver? No. And do doctors have a cure for cirrhosis of the

liver? Not really!



CAFFEINE IS ADDICTIVE; COLAS PROVIDE IT

Soft drinks, including the cola and pepper-type drinks that have caffeine

in them, are the number one beverage of Americans today, with coffee

second. Caffeine is a drug and it acts as a stimulant to the central

nervous system. "In the amounts presently being consumed, it can cause

insomnia, nervousness, irritability, anxiety and disturbances in the heart

rate and rhythm. Cola and pepper-type drinks account for 80-90 percent of

the caffeine added to foods today. Its long term effects on people are not

clearly known."



BIRTH DEFECTS AREA POSSIBILITY

Here is advice on caffeine from the FDA. "In making the public announcement

in September of caffeine's possible dangers to unborn children, FDA

commissioner Dr. Jere E. Goyan urged prudence by pregnant women in the use

of caffeine products. Goyan's words to mothers-to-be: "So while further

evidence is being gathered on the possible relationship between caffeine

and birth defects, a prudent and protective mother-to-be will want to put

caffeine on her list of unnecessary substances which she should avoid." The

old saying that a pregnant woman is "eating for two" has a special meaning

in regard to caffeine.



The Commissioner also noted that studies to date support the wisdom passed

down from generation to generation that caffeine is not for pregnant women

or children. "We hope some day to have better scientific assessments,"

Goyan said, "but for now adhering to the guidance of our parents seems to

be the most prudent course."



ANOTHER PROBLEM: CARAMEL COLORING

"Cola drinks contain caramel coloring which, according to some researchers,

has genetic effects and is a cancer-causing suspect. Polyethylene glycol is

used as an ingredient sometimes. Glycol is used in anti-freeze in

automobiles and as an oil solvent." Perhaps you have noticed that pouring

cola drinks on your windshield in a snow or ice storm will keep the

windshield from freezing over with ice.



BUBBLES AND FIZZ - NOT INNOCENT

"The bubbles and fizz in soft drinks can potently burn human insides; this

is caused by the phosphoric acid and carbon dioxide. The phosphorus in the

acid upsets the body's calcium-phosphorus ratio and dissolves calcium out

of the bones. This can eventually result in osteoporosis, a weakening of

the skeletal structure, which can make one susceptible to broken bones.

Also, the phosphorus fights with the hydrochloric acid in human stomachs

and renders it ineffective. This promotes indigestion, bloating and

gassiness in many individuals. Carbon dioxide is a waste product exhaled by

humans, but they ingest it when they drink cola drinks."



SUGAR - SUGAR - SUGAR: A WHITE DECEIVER

Soft drinks use predominately three types of sweeteners - saccharin or

aspartame in the diet type and sugar, cane syrup or corn syrup in the

regular drinks. "These substances enhance taste appeal and come touted as

"refreshing" and "high energy". The truth is that saccharin has been shown

to cause cancer in laboratory animals and Nutra-sweet and Equal are linked

to convulsions, depression, insomnia, irritability, weakness, dizziness,

migraine headaches, mood changes and mental retardation. (Which of these, I

ask, is something you really want in your life?)



ALLERGIES: WITH OR WITHOUT HIVES

Dr. George M. Halpem, Division of Allergy at the University of California

Davis School of Medicine says that diet soft drinks may cause allergies.

"The potential problem may be due to toxicity because of the increase in

consumption of diet drinks. Acute or chronic hives may be symptoms caused

by this low-calorie, artificial sweetener."



MALFORMED FETUSES IN MICE A REALITY

Another study that caught my attention was done in Japan, by Dr. Yoshihide

Hagiwara and published under the title, The Effects of Foods on the Bones

of Mice. The experiments involved sustaining mice with feed containing

calcium and phosphoric acid in varying ratios. When the amount of

phosphoric acid was increased beyond a certain limit, bone malformation

occurred in the mice. Further increase of phosphoric acid in the food of

pregnant mice yielded 40 malformed fetuses out of 100. the meaning of these

results are self-evident. Too much phosphoric acid can cause birth

defects." Does it happen in humans? Why take a chance!



HOW TO DISSOLVE YOUR TEETH

"Nor am I alone in this conclusion," Haglwara said. "A government warning

was once issued to the manufacturer of a certain world-famous refreshing

soft drink for its suspected effect on the bones of children because of the

large amount of phosphoric acid contained in it. Pour cola over an

extracted baby tooth or a 10-penny nail and see it totally dissolve in a

few days!"



Dr. Clive McCay, working at the Naval Research Institute, placed extracted

human teeth in cola drinks. Within two days, the teeth became very soft,

and the enamel surface lost much of its calcium. Rats, well fed but given

nothing to drink except cola beverages, after six months had their molar

teeth dissolved down to the gum line. When Dr. McCay reported years ago the

rat experiments before the Delaney hearing on chemical in foods, a lawmaker

reminded him that the soft drink industry represented huge economic

investments. He suggested that these alarming findings be soft-pedaled to

avoid disrupting the industry and the economy as a whole. Dr. McCay

countered by stating that the health of the nation's children might be as

important as the welfare of the soft-drink industry." How do you feel about

your children's teeth being damaged?



SOFT BONES OR NO BONES!

My file is full of examples of Americans with soft bones (dissolved, I

believe, by their phosphoric acid consumption) any my heart-felt concern

for fetuses is now a reality - many are being born without face bones, with

missing ribs, with fewer than normal carpal bones, and so forth. Do we

really care? Do we care enough to change our lifestyle? I sincerely hope

so.

If changes are not made by millions soon, Dr. James Beasley's prediction

can be upon us. He said, "If Americans do not change their eating and

drinking habits, within twenty years we will have nutritional

obliteration." I see that as a very viable possibility.



KIDNEY VS COLA: A REAL PROBLEM FOR MANY

Dr. Earl Mantel in his book, "Unsafe At Any Meal" says, "For anyone over

forty, soft drinks can be especially hazardous because the kidneys are less

able to excrete excess phosphorous, causing depletion of vital calcium."

Can a person live without kidneys? No. Is it easy and/or cheap to get a

kidney transplant? No!



METABOLISM CAN BE ALTERED: THAT SPELLS TROUBLE

Heavy soft drink consumption can interfere with your body's metabolization

of iron and diminish nerve-impulse transmission. Sodas may contain - but

are not required to disclose - such ingredients as ethyl alcohol, sodium

alginate (possibly hazardous for pregnant women), brominated vegetable oil

(found harmful to vital organs of animals and considered a health risk to

heavy consumers of beverages containing it) and caffeine.



MORE "REAL" SYMPTOMS

Cola drinks can interact adversely with antacids, possible causing

constipation, calcium loss, hypertension, nausea, vomiting, headaches and

kidney damage. Soft drinks can decrease the antibacterial action of

penicillin and ampicillin.



MORE "SUGAR BLUES"

"The average 12 ounce cola has about 150 calories and over an ounce (9

teaspoons) of refined sugar, a 12 ounce up-cola has 71/2 teaspoons of

sugar." Dr. A. Thrash, M.D., found that 24 teaspoons of sugar in on day

destroys 92% of the body's ability to destroy bacteria.



BLOOD PRESSURE ALTERATION: ON THE HIGH SIDE

Diet sodas that are low in calories are high in sodium. Six ounces of

regular Pepsi cola has 5 mg of sodium; Diet Pepsi has 31 mg (But who only

drinks 6 oz at a time now? - classic Coke Cola has 19 mg sodium. High blood

pressure is very common ailment in our society, I wonder why!

And who shouldn't have high sodium in their diets? My personal answer to

that question, is that the condition which causes a person to have high

blood pressure should be considered a condition where limiting sodium

intake would be helpful. Here are a few of those; certain tumors, kidney

disease, adrenal or thyroid or pituitary gland malfunction, even diabetes

and arteriosclerosis or hardening of the arteries. Soft drinks should be

off limits to persons with these conditions.



A DECEITFUL ADDICTION: CAFFEINE

Caffeine is a member of the same alkaloid group of chemicals as morphine,

nicotine, cocaine, purine and strychnine. These alkaloids all have one

thing in common: they are addictive. Colas are responsible for giving

millions of Americans addicts their daily "fixes". (Forgive my poignant

language - but think about it).

howdy

Well it is March. To me this means that there is about one month left until Jarrod's brother gets out of jail. This means we are getting to the end of living on Poydras street. Soon we will be househunting. I am so anxious to get a place of our own that we actually OWN. I am not anxious for all the paperwork, talking to loan officers or whatever it takes to get a house. As you can see I really have no clue and therefor am afraid of the unknown. Since Jarrod is a courier whose income is sort of strange because taxes are not taken out but mileage is deducted at the end of the year on our tax form, on one piece of paper it looks like he makes money. On another piece it looks like he doesn't. It is more complicated than the average American qualifying for a loan. We want to stay in the area but not the ghetto, so who knows. I just pray that it all works out and doesn't cause too much tension.

Mahna is six months old now! I can't believe a half year has gone by. I want to cry, but I am having too much fun with her. Her new fave game is throwing things on the floor. My mom informed me I won't think this is so "CUTE" for very much longer. It is all part of her figuring things out though! Gotta go, she is beckoning me. ADIOS!

finally!

I finally figured out how to "outsmart" my computer so I can blog again! I wonder if any one even reads it anymore, haha.

So far this has been one of the best weekends I have had in a long time, and it is only Saturday evening!

Thursday Jana called to say she was coming in town. I have not seen her in so long and she has a 6 wk old baby who I hadn't seen and she hadn't seen Mahna, who is almost 6 months old already! So the plan was for Jarrod and I to go stay at their hotel room Fri night. Then Jarrod gets a call to WORK Sat. morning from 3:30 a.m. til noon for a chunk of change. Dilemma! Do we cancel on our friends or do we lose out on a chance to make $$$? See, I usually go with him on these long drive odd jobs. So we are trying to figure out what to do and Jarrod says well how about if you go see Jana and I will do the route myself. I saw this as very unselfish of him. I must say I had such a great time. I cant even remember the last time I got to hang out with a girl-friend and talk all night. We stayed up til 4:30 am watching movies and talktalktalking. It was a good time. I felt so comfortable with her, her huz and their kiddos and of course Mahna was with me and she was very entertained by my 3 yr old goddaughter Bri. Then they brought me home about the same time Jarrod got home from his route and Jarrod told me to go get whatever I wanted to eat, so I got Wingstop which is super yummy and then Mahna and I come home and take a nap with Jarrod and the kitties... I will say one thing about motherhood. WHen you get a chance to get out and about and have some fun, it is just that much more fun because it is not a regular even to be taken for granted. Today I am thankful for each happy moment I do not deserve.

AND IN CONTINUATION:::::
Q 6 is "if you were a historical figure who would it be?"
I would be Ester......... whew what a job!

Q 7 "if you were a book what would you be?"
hmmmmmm that one I will think about

adios and thanks for reading... comment???

technology is such a hassle

Haha, have you seen those commercials w/ the funny looking guy in the green suit that is doing annoying things and the ad says ' why does technology have to be such a hassle'? Too funny! well my computer at home can not get to the "create new post" on blogger these days! I don't know what the dealio is and I have not made the time to figure it out either! So I am at my parents house posting now. My mommy is in the hospital. She had surgery which was planned and is doing better now. Her blood pressure had dropped low and she had to have three blood transfusions already! She was supposed to get out tomorrow but now I don't think they are going to let her. It is scary to see her laid up in a hospital bed, even though I am very thankful she is doing good and her problem was not life threatening. It is just strange to see HER laying there and needing HER mom to feed her etc. just like she did for me when I was in the hospital. I felt very useless and she was sleeping most of the time cuz of all the meds they gave her. Mahna has been pretty good today and is napping now but I won't let her sleep too long> I started reading a new "get your baby to sleep thru the night" book. This one is so opposite of anything else I have read. It suggests allowing your kids to sleep in bed w/ you until they wean themself into their own bed. And it suggests allowing breastfeeding to continue until the child weans themself whether that is at 6 mo. or 3 yrs. Eek. Sounds scary but I am open to openminded suggestions. Jarrod and I are going to Virginia a week from today. I am excited to visit his brother and sister in law (Freddy and Kristina) and our nephews who we have seen so rarely. I am not looking forward to the plane ride w/ Mahna and all her baby shtuff, but hopefully my prayers for quietness and patience will be answered. At the hospital everyone oohed and aaaahed over her and it is so cute cuz she is now interactive and really puts on a show for those who google over her and sometimes even people who pretend to not see her! haha. Please keep my mom in your prayers as she will be recovering for about 6 weeks from this painful surgery.............. xoxo
p.s The next question on the list is "WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WOULD YOU BE?" Hmmmm I guess I would want to be a........................ Hippo! Then everyone would say look how huge that hippo is, but it's ok cuz I am supposed to be huge. I am a hippo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) How about you? Got any more intriguing and creative answers than me?

well whatdoya know

I would have thought "what makes you angry" would have gotten a lot of comments on that last post! Maybe no one is reading??? Oh well. I will type for myself and for anyone who may come upon a rainy day and decide to read all my back issues. Haha.

Todays question is "What is the best time for me?"

There are so many Best times for me.... I would say one is the time that I get to spend with my mom and grandma. I am so lucky to have good mentors like them. Too lucky to really put into words.

I like the time when I get to stay up all night with Jarrod talking or watching movies. That is what we did at the very beginning of our relationship and it is fun when we rarely get to do it now, because it reminds me we are still the same although so much has changed...

I really enjoy the times when I get myself up early in the morning. Like 6 or 7 a.m. and get a good workout, get the dishes done and take a shower, then am ready for the day when Mahna wakes up. That is a good day, especially the exercise part because it is such a good waker upper and antidepressant for me.

YOUR TURN>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> COMMENT PLEASE

I want the BEST of both worlds.....

That song is in my head. ANywaYz here is question 3. I realize some questions are boring but I want to try to do all of them cuz what the heck! :)

I get angry when........

I see a father hitting his child on tv. (or in person, but that is super rare) When I see a mother angrily jerking her child around. When I see someone verbally abusing a chubby kid. The hurt on all these kids faces makes me see red. I want to jump through the television when I see disciplining out of anger or straight up physical abuse. That is what ANGERS me.

So what is yours?

question two

If I were a color I would be......

Blue. Then I could be whatever my mood lead me to be. Sad.....beautiful.....mysterious......cold....snuggly. I could be navy blue and serious. Pastel blue and needing to be protected. Blueish black makes you take a second look. No matter what when it's blue you can't ignore it.

If you were a color what would you be?

100 journal/essay/story topics

I found a thing from 1981 The ILLINOIS WRITING PROJECT. Here is question ONE and I will answer it and then hope for your answer (or email).

If I were a famous person I would be...

Angelina Jolie because she is super beautiful and naturally skinny (I am shallow) and she is also doing something good with her money and fame for another country. I think she is a great real life mom role model for other women in Hollywood.

So who would you be if you were a famous person?

yipppppppppeeeeeeee

Jana had her baby today! A lil gurl named BROOKLYN who weighed 6 lb 12 oz and was 19 in. long. I realllllly want to go out there this weekend (she lives in San antonio) and see them. I am so excited she got to have another baby. Jana congratulations!!!!!!!!

as for Mahna she had a fun day with her gramma dar and her g.g. (great grandma) while I cleaned a house. Yes, that's right, I cleaned a house. It was fun, too. The house was very dirty and I enjoyed cleaning the hell out of it. Haha. It was nice to accomplish something without interruptions from my babycakes. I tried to relax and enjoy the peaceful thinking time away from her and not just purely miss her adorable little chubby face.

Then I got to go get a suprise manicure. It was cool even though the nail chick was sort of cranky. My nails look super pretty now so that just added happiness to my day.

Mostly I am thankful my friend had a successful C-Section today and that her baby is here and healthy.

NIGHT!

mahna mahna mahna

Well my poor little poopkins had to have her four month shots yesterday! It was worse than the two month ones. It was a heartbreaking look that crossed her face when they poked her with four different needles. I couldn't help but think of people who do horrible things to babies. I kept telling her this is for her own good etc etc parent like things to say, but the ultimate look on her face was how could you do this to me? Anyway she is otherwise doing fine and dandy. The DR said "I can't find a thing wrong with her!" so that makes me happy. She now weighs 12 lb. 12 oz. and is 23 1/2 inches long for those of you who enjoy such tidbits. My friend is having a baby VERRRRRRRRRY soon and I can't wait and I am so happy to have a friend having a kiddo around the same time as I did. It is fun to have someone to talk to about the same silly mommy things I am into right now, because everyone knows that people who don't have kids or whose kids are much older just do not care about diapers and spit up and these such things! :) In case Kendra is reading, I must say that I do wish you would/could have a baby right now, too. That would just be too fuN! WEll she is waking up now so I better go. Shots make babies CRANKY!

rain

It sure is a raiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny day. It looks like early evening but it is 9:30 a.m. Why am I awake already? Haha. It is coming down hard again. I have my front window open. One of my favorite things about this cute lil house we live in is this big window in the living room. It is not a great view or anything but I sit at my coffee table with this laptop and can watch the rain while I type. No clutter of my desk around me. I really gotta tackle that desk. Maybe during one of Mahna's fifteen minute naps. I say that almost sarcastically as she really does only take a couple 15 min naps and then maybe one for an hour but usually will sleep longer if I lay next to her. This means I am not keeping up with my dishes and housecleaning etc etc as much as I would like to be. I am reading Marla Cilley "Sink Reflections" which is about babysteps to a clean and perpetually organized house. It also has a moving guide which I am going to adjust to my own needs to clean out the "game room" in the next few months, maybe just a few minutes a day. Casey gets out of jail in April, and if he got out today he would have nothing but a couch to live on. So I have to get all our clutter out of that game room and I am quite a pack rat. I have a horribly hard time throwing anything away. So There is boxes of junk that we don't use but once I start going through them I think of one reason or another to keep stuff. When Jarrod and I got married I almost filled a one bedroom apt. with MY stuff, while he moved in his two litte totes. We are also planning to buy a house next year maybe around August, so I am trying to psyche myself up for getting new things for the house by getting rid of old shtuff. Of course one of my dillemas is What if someone I know could have USED this and I am just donating it to CCA???? And even off that note I don't know if I will donate to CCA or to a smaller thrift store, so that CCA doesn't become even more of a walmart in the thrift store world.
Mahna rolled over the 30th of Dec. That was one day before she turned 4 months. Now I have only seen her do it maybe two more times in the last 4 days, but she definately figured it out. SHe is figuring lots of things out, like one certain kind of screeeeeeeeeeeeeech sound that makes me come get her from her swing or bed when she gets bored. She is making that sound now, so I will just be happy with what I managed to type up today. ADIOS! (happy new year!)

new record?

Okay 16 days since the last blog. Dangggggg. I do check my mail once or twice a day, but it is usually in a five minute increment when I can set Mahna down and I think, what could I possibly write in my blog in just a minute? Or I am holding her on my lap which means I can read mail or blogs but not exactly type or if I do, one handed typing takes forever! Anyway, I am becoming some what of a night owl these days. My free time begins when she goes to sleep around 10:30 or 11:30 at night and i just want to stay up and hang out and maybe have a beer or read or do whatever. Unfortunately everyone else has to go to bed cuz they have jobs which require them to get up at a certain hour. I am lucky in that, even if Mahna wakes me up every two hours, I can stay in bed until 11 a.m. if I want to. This verrrry rarely happens, but it is nice to know I have the freedom if I want to take advantage of it. It makes it not a big deal for me to stay up until the wee hours of the morn, for I know I will get sleep one way or another.
Mahna is just a delight and I feel so lucky to have a baby. I just enjoy having her with me. If I go to the store, if I walk into the laundry room of my house, if I go to my mom's or my grandma's house..... She is my little buddy. I am her protector and I love her so much. Corny? Yea, well it is amazing these things I feel. What did I do before this? Yea, that probably sounds corny too.
I sure do love this time of year. I get to be with my family, including Kendra, for several days in a row. I am okay with not really ever hanging out with any friends. I just really see Jarrod at night for a few hours and see my family a lot. My friends are on email or phone and that is all good. I know three people who are having baby girls in the next few months. One of them is due next month and I can't wait to see her new one, as she is a really special person to me, so of course her kids will be too. And not to mention that now that I have REALLY been exposed to the beauty and amazement of "baby", I am truly addicted and will be awed and in love with almost any baby i see from now on.
I have a new favorite show. Law and Order:SVU. It is mostly about rapes and other heinous sex crimes and them being brought to justice. Sounds out there and sick and that is what I thought when I first heard of it but it is intriguing. Anyway it doesn't matter what I like on TV but there have been two statements on this show tonight that made a lot of sense. The first was that devastating things happen all the time, each day that goes by we are NEVER the same again, and sometimes things are more devastating than other days.
The second was this woman didn't understand why she had been raped, because she thought that since her mother had died a very slow painful death and she had gone through it with her that was the only hard thing she would have to endure in life. It seemed unfair to her that she had then been raped and gone through something even harder... This got me thinking of my own situations in life. I thought placing Gold for adoption was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I had suicidal moments after that period in my life of being pregnant with him and leaving Kansas City after his birth, because I thought "my mission in life is done". I was put on this earth to have a baby for my aunt and uncle. I got to have wild fun as a teenager and that was the end result which benefited them. I assumed to know what God had planned for me and my life. Then as time went by I realized my place in Jarrod's life and his ultimate placement in my heart and being a beam in my back. I realized my family and how amazing they are and how much I totally love them and that there are hard things but you move on past them and everyone grows and adjusts in their own way. I am not the ONLY one in my family to have difficult things. Every single person on EARTH has hard things. I am not "special" in that way. And now I see that there is more in life. Quitting drugs several years ago helped me see the world as a larger place and that there is an abundance of possibility. I have had some really difficult times since Gold was born, in other aspects of life. Hard, hard things have been thrown my way which seemed unfair but fighting through them seems worth it in the end. I wonder if someday I will feel freely to talk about those things as I can talk freely about Gold now? Why is it so hard to talk about what is REALLY hard right now in my life? I don't know. Recently well after I had Mahna I had some really bad days of depression which I associate with post partum blues. But could I just get on my blog and pour my heart out to whomever might read and say I am so depressed that I want to run into a pole with my car? I feel useless and invisible and have nothing but self hatred in my heart and mind. I could NOT say that. I felt weak and was afraid to be judged or that someone would say I am an ungrateful person or try to lock me up as a looney suicidal when I just really needed to TALK and make sense of the things in my mind which did make me feel abnormal. It was confusing to feel so sad yet so so so elated by my beautiful miracle of a daughter who is nothing but joy and wonder. I am so thankful for her and I am thankful now that my mind is going back to "normal" and that I don't have sad angry thoughts closing in on my every thought. I truly empathise with those who have consistant depression on a daily basis and their fight against the waves crashing in. THAT is a strong person who can handle that for years.
Well I suppose that is enough of a rant for now. I am sure I have taken up too much of your time already and I do need to go to sleep now that Jarrod has been in bed a couple hours and Mahna is asleep and I am done wrapping all but ONE present and I am tired=======
So goodnight and thanks for reading. Leave me a happy face comment or something so I know you are a true loyal God send of a person in my life to have read my rant and still checked back on my blog after so much time.
Adios..... more soon, I promise! :)

hold me now......... warm my heart...... stay with me...

I am over the initial shock of giving up work life and money. Well maybe not totally over the money but I have had a marvelous weekend with Mahna. Her pediatrician advised me to quit drinking milk, eating cheese and eggs to see if that might help her not be so cranky. So i have given up my favorite food CHEESE! But I can tell a difference in her after just two days. She is breathing better and her face is not so flaky anymore. Last night I held her while she slept for about 2 hours and again tonight for about an hour before putting her in her bed. I also held her during her nap today and I am probably spoiling her but I just enjoy it so much and so does she. I considered going to church today and it seemed like too much trouble. I hate to say that because I really enjoy hearing what the preacher has to say and getting my thoughts going. But I am not ready to leave Mahna in the hands of strangers or taking her to church with me makes it hard to concentrate. Blah blah blah. I talked to my sistah on the phone today which was cool since we so rarely do talk on the phone. She is such a cool person I really admire her. I also like it that she always asks me if I am "writing" but doesn't get frustrated when I always seem to answer "no". :) I know how important it is to write and my main excuse for not doing it is that someone might read the insanity and confusion I would put onto paper and know what I am really like inside.

jitter

I quit my housecleaning business today. Mahna is so cranky and irregular with her naptimes these days I can't take her with me anymore. A four hour cleaning can take up to six... I just get too frustrated and feel like I am not doing as well of a job as I am getting paid for. The alternative to quitting was to ask my mom to babysit three times a week. Jarrod and I talked about it and really didn't want her to be more of a babysitter than a grandma. I also don't want the time to fly by while Mahna is a baby. If I have the chance to be with her all the time, I should sieze the opportunity. I feel nervous and anxious about quitting. I feel like I lost control of something but I think it is just temporary. I am just nervous about life and changes. I want to be a good mother, wife and all around person. I dunno. I feel depressed cuz I feel out of control. It will pass... That is my update. Mahna is an angel. Fun and adorable. Pure joy in my world. She smiles, laughs and likes to play. It is cool and each new cool thing she does I think wow I can't believe things will keep getting cooler than this!!

howdy

yea its been 4 ever i know......& i am typing onehanded right now for this reason.......i have the privalege of a child who wants mucho time & attention. she is a cutie... she has started batting at toys w/ her hands and making lots of talky noises. she is getting bigger and you can see the features of her face more. i take her to clean 2 of the 3 houses I clean with me. my mom watches her on weds when I clean for evelyn. Tomorrow is evelyns 84th bday and i am cleaning early for her this week cuz of thanksgiving. This week on weds Lynne Kelly and GOLD are coming to visit! I can't believe it and i am so nervous and totally excited. I can't wait to see all of them, as it has been 16 months since I have seen them! Our neighbor gave us their old chimenea last week and it was cracked and we accidently broke it but now it is a cool fire pit so we have fires on our porch every night. people come and go here and there and I usually can't enjoy it much but sometimes when its not too chilly mahna goes out w/ me. well she is needing to go to bed so i better go! thanks for reading after so long of not posting!

SARAH!!!!!!!

Sarah if u read this tell me your blog addy cuz I do not know it! ALso what is your email cuz I want to send u pics of Mahna!

Okay am I being horrid about this bloggaroonie or what! Jeez its been way over a week. Well lets see so I told you Franky got out of jail> I told you my cuzin Adam came to visit. hmmm Oh I stayed the night at my parents 2 saturdays ago. It was wierd but fun cuz me and Anna stayed up til 3 or 4 in the morning watching "saved" and "white oleander". Both cool movies. Then last week I started thinking I might quit cleaning Evelyn's house. I am sort of tired of driving all the way out there and because of gas prices and having to leave Mahna w/ my mom it is starting to not be worth the money. who knows what I will do tho. Halloween was fun. I dressed Mahna as a punkin and I was the punkin fairy. I loked like a butterfly really but oh well. We trik or treated down my parents house and got some candy. Anna and i went and saw "SAW" that day too and that movie is pretty freaky. I was thinking today about good things to say to a new mommy. These are compliments people have given me that meant something to me.

"your swelling has really gone down, you look thinner everytime I see you"

"you can really tell that you spend a lot of time with your baby, she is so happy"

"a calm mommy makes for a calm baby"

"what a lucky baby to be getting the good stuff (breastmilk)!"

Man there was more but I totally forgot cuz I didn't write them down. Oh well. Have a good day!!!!

no phone no phone

I have been getting calls that I have not returned. I don;t mean to be like that I just stay so bizy. Sorry if u have called me and I haven't got back to u yet. My cuzin is in town and we went shopping w/ his wife and two kiddos today. It was fun. It is hard to take Mahna shopping. I had to feed her in the bathroom a couple times. She needed attention pretty much the whole time we were there so I didn't get to look at much. It was still fun tho. Franky got out of jail today. I dont know why but my parents were on their way to pick him up tonight. We thought he wouldn't get out until his court date over a week away. My mom is sick. I hope she doesn't have the flu but I think she does... I cleaned Evelyn's yesterday. It was good to see her. My mom babysat Mahna and I got the cleaning done super fast. I was very hesitant to leave her but then it was sort of okay to be away for a couple hours. I don't want to turn into a complete psycho about not ever being separated from her. Well sorry so boring lately not much interesting to say I guess.

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rat a tat tat

I started cleaning houses again this week. The first was Thursday and went pretty well. It took 5 hours instead of 4 because of feeding Mahna, but overall she was pretty good. There is a big flight of stairs at this house which wore me out after a while, but it felt good to be doing some form of exercise. At night tho my c section incision started hurting and I could feel something poking out under the skin so I started freaking out thinking I had hurt myself by going back to cleaning too soon. Well Friday I had a house that was only supposed to take 3 hr but it took four because of feeding Mahna and she was a little crankier. This one really wore me out cuz there are so many floors to mop in it. I was really sore by the time I left there. I called the DR to see if I should be worried and the nurse said that the pokey thing I felt under my skin was the sutures holding my insides together and not to worry it would dissolve ina couple weeks. She also said that if my incision hurts I should slow down, I am doing too much. So okay, I will slow down Saturday thru Weds. when I have another house to clean. No problem. I really like having Mahna with my while I clean a house. I can't really stand to be away from her, it makes me miss her so much. I do have moments though where I am annoyed because I am all into cleaning and I have to stop and go sit and feed her or just hold her for a minute. I try to keep my annoyance in check because I know she will only be a baby such a short while and I will miss her smallness and dependence on me....... Ugh it makes me sad to think of her growing up already!

Well Franky is doing fine in jail. He has a private ]cell so I am glad he can't get beat up. He has court Nov 1st so that is not too too long and he will probably get a year probation. I have only known one person who went on probation and passed it without going back to jail. That is my husband. Everyone else I know has screwed it up. I hope Franky will do good tho.

I kicked one of Jarrod's friends out of our house last night. He is such an idiot. He is literally the stupidest most pitiful person I have ever met. I know that sounds totally cruel and all I can say is you have to meet the guy. He hits his wife occassionally.... that usually makes people not like him right off. The thing is he comes over and he can be decent and tolerable but once in a while he wants to drink a whole bottle of whiskey and that is retarted in itself. I don't know why but he is just a person who can't have a casual beer and play cards or watch sports or just hang out. It is either get fall down literally brain dead drunk or nothing. Jarrod can't stand it either but he likes the sober part of his friend, so he lets him keep coming back. Plus they have been friends since 5th grade. I just think he is selfish and arrogant. Well last night he went to the bathroom and grabbed the towel rack to hold himself up and feel down and broke it and peed on the floor. This is so freaking pitiful am I not right? Maybe a few years ago I would think it was funny but not now. Then Jarrod was in the process of taking him out to his car (so his wife could drive him home) and he knocks over my shelf on the wall with my willow tree figurine with a mom, dad and baby off the wall. It didn't break but an ornament did. I was just too fed up and pissed off so I got off the couch and screamed some profanities at him and told him to get out. Nice huh> here is the real caroline cussing and freaking out. Well I didn't care I just wanted him to leave and he did. Enough drama for ya?

Today Kendra is here so I am gonna get a shower and go over to my parents for the day. I think we are going to do crafty stuff like scrapbooking, cardmaking, journaling and quilting. I am looking forward to it but I will miss being with Jarrod like I am used to on Saturdays. I am glad Kendra is here tho. I have been looking forward to it all week. Tonight we are probably goign to go visit Franky in jail and then go to my grandma's for dinner. She lives right around the corner from the jail.

I am feeling better by the way. I am short on sleep but that is nothing new. Sinuses are getting better and I still sound like pee wee herman but I don't feel so crappy anymore. Yippee! Thanks for asking, sarah! By the way email me the link to your blog cuz I don't know it anymore!!!!!! Love ya all! Caroline

physically sick and heart sick

I am physically sick because of someone being careless while they were sick. It just makes me even more aware of washing my hands and trying not to spread germs. I am praying for this sickness to leave quickly because on top of having no sleep, having to take sinus medicine is insanity. I want sleep and I want to be able to breathe.

I am heart sick because my brother turned himself in Saturday and is in Denton County jail now. You can see his mugshot thru the "look up your fave criminal" on my side menu. I am just heartbroken seeing his face as a mugshot. He is my little brother, my little sweetie whose face I kissed a million times. Who was our playmate...... Ugh. I am so sad. Sad for his hurt and loneliness and regrets and anger. Sad for not being able to rescue not just him but everyone I love and wish to make everything good for.

debate debate debateq

We just got done watching the debate. It seemed like a lot of the same stuff from the first debate. I enjoy watching it and actually do not get "bored" during the debates but sometimes do sort of zone out during the answers. I did not get to see the second debate but from the first one to this one I found it sort of amusing how they weren't so friendly to eachother as they were at the first one. It was actually more of a "debate" to me, this time.

Today I experienced truly what some stay at home moms must get so frustrated about. First I took Mahna to the DR at 10 a.m. only to wait for an hour to see the DR for 5 minutes. I drove through town with Mahna crying loudly in the back seat, where I could not reach her or calm her. Then I waited at the pharmacy for almost another hour and then left with no medicine because of a mistake with the insurance. Then I spent 90 minutes straight on the phone trying to straighten the situation out, besides changing diapers and feeding and fighting off a wasp in the baby room and cleaning up cat barf. Meanwhile I am dead tired from getting a total of 5 hours of sleep and therefor very cranky. I also have a big stack of dishes and a lot of laundry which I hoped to get done but by the time Jarrod got home I felt like I had not only accomplished nothing today, butwasn't even able to get the medicine for Mahna. It was not DIRE to get it, but still. Just a little frustrating.

On a different note, I had a great birthday. I got so many cool gifts. I was surrounded by my family all day and that was really great. We went to the Hibachi grill and Anna and I ate lots o' sushi, even raw quail eggs. haha. It was coolio. Good day that I didn't want to end. Oh and the coolest part was in the morning when I was laying in bed with Mahna and for a couple hours we just dozed in and out and made faces at eachother. She made my birthday special. My mommy also went to great legnths to make my birthday special by getting me an ice cream cake, balloons and taking me to do stuff all day.

Sorry so scattered, I am sleeeeeeeeeeeepy.
Tomorrow is margarita party day for the OU vs TX game! WOo hoo

Too Early For Water

I don't know about you but I can't drink water too early in the morning, after I awaken. For some reason the one thing that has no real taste or ingredients just tastes gross in the morning. Even after I have brushed my teeth haha. Today I am worried about Jarrod driving in the rain. His tires are bald and I know he will be sliding around on the highway as long as the roads are wet. I wish this rain would let up. I don't want to be losin' my baby daddy. This weekend we went to the FAIR and it was FUN. We ate yummy fair food and saw lots of hoochie mama african americans. It just happened to be the day there were two african american colleges playing at the cotton bowl, so we were the minority. It also took us 1 hr 45 min just to get INTO the fair b/c of traffic. honest, it really was fun tho. Stormy, Lonnie and Cory went with us, my parents watched Mahna, and she did just fine taking a bottle and being a little shweetie. Lucky them, cuz she was cranky head all morning for me. Well next week I am reassuming my role as a professional housekeeper. It has been a lovely break, but I do have the earthly desire for money and the security of it flowing in, not to mention the self worth of helping pay the bills. I do so enjoy being with my babycakes 24 hours a day, though, so I hope to work that with my work. Today I will attempt cleaning my own house to physically prepare myself for returning to my real world. I really wish this rain would quit though. GRRRRRRRRRRR. Tuesday is my burfday. I will be 25~! If I hadn't just had a kiddo and been quite distracted I would plan myself a party to have adult beverages with all the people I enjoy being around. Unfortunately my bday is tomorrow and I haven't planned anything. Haha. Oh well. I will be just as happy having a glass of champagne with my huz. My mommy bought me a new pair of tennis shoes for my bday. I can't wait to get them. They are Ryka, which were on the Oprah show so u know they gotta be sumthin! Seriously they feel really good and I am looking forward to starting exercise again very soon so it is cool to have a brand new pair of shoes. My feet GREW while I was pregnant. I know this is a normal pregnancy thing, but it still trips me out haha. Allrighty well Mahna is sleeping so I better take a little cat nap myself. XOXO Happy Monday.

Olan Mills

Today I was planning to take Mahna to get her picture taken at Olan Mills. Through all the millions of coupons I got from the hospital, there was a package of free pictures from Olan Mills. I figured since it was her one month bday today what a good thing to do. :) Well I lookd up Olan Mills.com and would you believe the closest one is 136 miles away in some town in Oklahoma!!!!!! crazy. Well I guess that gas money would not be worth the free pictures haha.

I can't believe it has been a month already. Now I am scared that time is going by too fast. I am such a spaz about that. I do spend lots of time holding her and playing with her, and since I am not working or goign to skewl right now it is all fun and games except for sleep deprivation, which isn't actually an everyday occurance, thank God.

I am looking forward to this weekend. It is sort of my "pre birthday" weekend. We are going to the state fair on Saturday. I love the Texas state fair. It is so fun to walk around checking out all the people, try to win prizes, and eat lots of yummy food. I probably won't do any RIDES this year, but that doesn't really bother me. I think for my actual birthday, next Tuesday, we are going to go to dinner at Jin Beh w/ my parents. That is a very cool and not too expensive hibachi grill. My mommy gets the privalege of babysitting Mahna this Saturday for the state fair and Jarrod's parents can watch her for my bday dinner.

Okay well she is awake and hungry so I better go! Thanks for reading!

6 days later

Okay, i have to get back in the blog saddle again! At least I made it less than a week. :) So did anyone see the news flash last night about the "danger of blogs and teens"? It was a good point they made. The news station was not knocking journals, just letting parents/ kids know that things written on the web can be permanent and u never know when someone might look up your blog 20 years down the road and hold your opinions and thoughts against you. I think the point they were trying to make was that if you became famous or a political or religious leader, you may not hold the same opinions as an adult as you did as a teen, so dont make them permanent on the internet.

Of course I have to give a little Mahna update. She has been sorda fussy lately so when she had her newborn well check today I asked the DR what to do to help her be happier and more comfortable. Apparently babies need a good balance of quiet alone time, and stimulation. So too much holding, passing around, TV, music, noises........ all day long lead to a tired grumpy nighttime baby. So right now I am letting her sit still in her room to get happy for her daddy who won't be home til 8 tonight, cuz he is out makin extra $$$. The DR also said that she is totally healthy and is growing wonderfully! That makes me very happy. I knew she looked chubbier but it is good to hear a DR say she is proud of me for how well I am doing with breastfeeding. Some people may not know how challenging breastfeeding can be at first. I am just glad to be past the first two weeks. I sure love our alone time together. It is a cool thing to know I am making food for her! So wierd!

Okay well that is all for today. Have a good one!

is it really FRIDAY already?

Man time does fly. I feel like I have lost track of days since Mahna has been born. In a way it's like oh she is only two weeks old, but in another way it seems like OH MY GOSH SHE IS ALREADY two weeks old. So anyway........ Yes I am obsessed w/ my babycakes and I don't think of much else besides her and Jarrod. I have been having off and on bouts of "postpartum depression". It is very confusing to feel very sad and have depressing thoughts going through my mind to the point of crying sometimes when I am the happiest woman on earth. It makes no sense at all and I hope it goes away very soon. It not only confuses me but people around me and especially Jarrod, so I am really wanting it to be GONE. It isn't constant, just occassional but DAILY and that sucks. Okay enough whining. As for Mahna Grace she is beautiful and getting more alert by the day, staying awake longer between meals. I think her eyes are getting more focused on things now as she has seemed to notice some of her toys and when she looks at me it seems like she is really looking at me. When we are home alone I enjoy holding her as much as possible. I know that when we go out places I will not hold her at all because everyone wants a piece of this lil bundle. Last night was my gma's bday and she had a housefull of kids, grandkids, great grandkids... she had so much fun. People brought TONS of food and it was yummmmmmmmmmmEEEEEEEEE. Anna didn't get to go cuz she has strep and couldn't be around babies or the other kids for that matter until this morning when her meds took full effect. I felt bad for her but she stayed at our house w/ Jarrod all night and ended up having a lot of fun, so it all worked out. Today is Tom's memorial service at 2:00. Kendra should be here at any time, so I am looking forward to going over to my parents house to hang out w/ my cuz, gma, auntie and sister until Jarrod picks Mahna and I up for the service. Well have a good day and take care! Happy weekend to everyone. CAROLINE

apples and oranges

I am eating an apple and orange for breakfast. I would have opted for the easier version of CEREAL but there's no milk in da fridge. A week from today I should be able to DRIVE again, yippee.

Yesterday my grandpa Tom passed away, on "grandparent's day". :( I am so sad that I can't talk to him anymore, but it has been a while since I could really talk to him anyway. He got to see Mahna, so that is cool. Cancer is so confusing. It is like once a person goes on Hospice, you know they will die, but then it is like well maybe any day now he will wake up and have another chance and I can talk to him again... I feel really sad for my grandma. That was probably her last "companion".....

I also met Franky's room mate, Kace, yesterday. He is the one who wrecked my video camera and doesn't have the $ to fix it. Grr. I am sort of over that, though. It was good to meet him cuz Franky has known him and semi lived w/ him for a little while. Franky insisted that he had to come outside and meet Mahna. Franky loves her so much, it is so cute.

I am looking forward to the few family members who are coming in from Kansas City this weekend. It will be cool to see my aunt and my cuzins and of course KENDRA. :)

Have a good Monday. Mahna and I will be going to the hospital for a PKU whatever that is, today. It is just 'routine' for a two wk old kiddo. I can't believe she will be 2 wks already. Time is flying too fast!

XOXO

Saturday

Well we made our first official family trip to Walmart today. And of course, Mahna screamed most of the time, so that was appropriate. It would have been a perfect walmart trip if we were also beating her going thru the store. haha. Sorry inside joke. Okay well anyway today was groovacious. Mahna let me sleep twice last night for four hours each time and that was great. Then an hour after I got up my parents came over and my dad showed us how to record off his video camera. Mahna was sweet and enjoyable as always. Then Jarrod and I went to Cero's Heroes in Grapevine and got a super tasty sub. We drove to the lake an dhad a little picnic then ended up walking around Walmart. That is where I grocery shop, so I go there often, but Jarrod never comes and today he did so that was cool. Then Jarrod's mom watched Mahna while we went to our friends bday party. It was fun to go out and to be able to drink a beer. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT mostly I just missed mahna the whole time and I didn' t know what to do with myself. It was a wierd feeling. I am so attached to my baby cakes. I am glad that Jarrod's mom got to spend some time w/ her tho. My mom was kind of bummed she didn' tget to bbsit but hopefully she won't hold it against me. :) Well then we came home and Jarrod was in a cleaning mood so we did some cleaning and that was coolio. So anyway I am dead tired now so more later. ADIOS

"when you're down, look at a clown"

Anyone know what movie that quote is from??? Popquiz!!!!!!

well I was thinking of writing a pity party blog because I have the blues going on today. But once long ago someone gave me the treasured advice to make a list of things I am thankful for if I start feeling sorry for myself. (I have also been given the advice to pray for other people when I feel bummed).

So here is my list:

I am thankful for me and Jarrod's baby. I am so thankful that I get to be a mommy, for I know not everyone gets to. I am thankful that my brother wanted to come hang out w/ me today and wants to spend the weekend w/ my family. I am thankful that we live in a house w/ cheap rent and that we might be able to get a house of our own in the next year or so. I am thankful that I had a successful and healthy pregnancy. I am VERY thankful that the pain of my C Section is finally starting to subside. I am thankful that Mahna is healthy and happy and oh so cute. I am thankful my cats have not given us a hard time or got in Mahna's face or anything freaky. I am thankful that both of my sisters fell in love w/ my daughter. I am thankful that things smoothed out w/ us and Jarrod's parents and I am actually sort of thankful that Jarrod did not get that job he was trying for. (is it ok to be sort of thankful?) I am thankful that my grandma made the effort to come spend the day w/ me yesterday despite her circumstances. I am thankful for my husband and his strong sense of family.

Okay well thanks for listening. I must say I feel better now! Glad I didn't mope it out on the blogger. XOXO
Caroline

And I Fear........

One of the bestest Sarah Mclachlan songs ever is "FEAR". Just thought I would say that. I am thinking of my fears today. I am here tonight, momentarily, to journal my fears.

I am afraid for a mosquito to bite my baby. I am afraid to fall asleep feeding her and drop her. I am scared to go back to cleaning houses and still be breastfeeding. I am scared my husband might get cancer someday and die slowly like my Grampa Tom is now. I am scared for time to go by too quickly and Mahna to be grown up too fast. I am scared for my brother to go to jail. I am scared for someone I won't mention by name and their blind addiction. I am afraid for my friend who seems to always be unhappy. I fear for changes in relationships and things that are unknown. I am scared I may never want to finish college now that I have my beautiful Mahna.

The end... or all I could think of for now.

No complaints YET

I guess I am still in La La land. I know, it has only been a week, but it seems like a long time. I am anxious to get HEALED from the surgery and get back on my feet. I love being strapped to my house though, cuz i could just sit and hold her all day long until Jarrod gets home and I will share her a little bit. :) I am just so happy and I am waiting for the bubble to burst. Any day now I just know she is going to turn into a screamer. So far so good, though. Jarrod has been super cool, complimenting me on doing a good job. He is so in love w/ Mahna and I totally enjoy watching him love her. Moosh moosh moosh. :)

Sad things too...... my papa is in the hospital in Amarillo and may have to have a leg amputated. It is so sad, but he is a strong old man and will be okay, I just hate to think of him being lonely out there and contemplating losing a leg.

My other grandpa Tom is bed bound and dying of cancer. He is just skin and bones and when I took Mahna to see him yesterday he didn't recognize us. It is so sad to watch and I know that my grandma's heart must be so broken by losing another man that she loves. I am glad they had 5 years together though. She is a strong woman, too.

Off the wall but there is a stupid commercial that just irritates me so much! It is for sw airlines I think and this little boy is talking to his grandpa and he says "grampy I won the game!" his grandpa says i wish I could have been there and the little boy says, "me too cuz that is what you said at christmas and my birthday and when my baby sister was born and at halloweeen........." Oh my gosh I have heard that dumb commercial so many times and it is so STUPID> UGH quit calling him GRAMPY!!!!!!!! hahahahhahhaha

Have a happy random day! XOXO

all day everyday

My life is like revolved around Mahna all day every day. I hardly remember what day it is or care what time it is except for if it has been the amount of hours it is supposed to be to feed her again. i love this so much. I know it has only been a few days, but it is cool to have a reason and purpose that is just so amazing. I am not tired of staring at her or feeding her or listening to her sounds. I love it that people want to come over all the time to see her and hold her. So many people love her already. I love to see Jarrod staring at her or kissing her. It is enjoyable to change her diapers and hear her noises and put pajamas on her. I want to freeze time and keep her just like she is right now. TOnight Kendra got to come over w/ my mom and Anna and she held her for soo long, it was very cool to see Kendra happy about her too. Each and every person in both our families and our friends who hold her, stare at her and love on her puts a different special feeling in my heart. That is it, I am obsessed. I have become what I once didn't really understand and thought was annoying.

home

It is nice to be home. My mom told me on the drive from the hospital back home that I wouldn't miss the hospital once I was back at home and she is right. I really liked the nurses and enjoyed my stay at the Medical Center of Lewisville, but I am happy to be at home with my kitties and especially Jarrod. He stayed the night every night at the hospital, but it was such a small amount of time compared to how much I was awake there. I just couldn't relax all the way and take my eyes off Mahna. The drive home was a little nerve wracking. I was so scared that someone was going to hit my mom's van. Thank God I only live five minutes from the hospital. My mom has been so awesome, taking care of everything for me constantly. She was at the hospital almost all day everyday with me. I feel like crying when I think about how happy she is and how much time she sacrificed lately. Thank you to everyone who came to visit me at the hospital. It can be a lonely place, and you all made it a good memory. Well I am pretty tired and loopy now so ask me questions if there is stuff u want to know and don't know. Love ya! Caroline