new record?

Okay 16 days since the last blog. Dangggggg. I do check my mail once or twice a day, but it is usually in a five minute increment when I can set Mahna down and I think, what could I possibly write in my blog in just a minute? Or I am holding her on my lap which means I can read mail or blogs but not exactly type or if I do, one handed typing takes forever! Anyway, I am becoming some what of a night owl these days. My free time begins when she goes to sleep around 10:30 or 11:30 at night and i just want to stay up and hang out and maybe have a beer or read or do whatever. Unfortunately everyone else has to go to bed cuz they have jobs which require them to get up at a certain hour. I am lucky in that, even if Mahna wakes me up every two hours, I can stay in bed until 11 a.m. if I want to. This verrrry rarely happens, but it is nice to know I have the freedom if I want to take advantage of it. It makes it not a big deal for me to stay up until the wee hours of the morn, for I know I will get sleep one way or another.
Mahna is just a delight and I feel so lucky to have a baby. I just enjoy having her with me. If I go to the store, if I walk into the laundry room of my house, if I go to my mom's or my grandma's house..... She is my little buddy. I am her protector and I love her so much. Corny? Yea, well it is amazing these things I feel. What did I do before this? Yea, that probably sounds corny too.
I sure do love this time of year. I get to be with my family, including Kendra, for several days in a row. I am okay with not really ever hanging out with any friends. I just really see Jarrod at night for a few hours and see my family a lot. My friends are on email or phone and that is all good. I know three people who are having baby girls in the next few months. One of them is due next month and I can't wait to see her new one, as she is a really special person to me, so of course her kids will be too. And not to mention that now that I have REALLY been exposed to the beauty and amazement of "baby", I am truly addicted and will be awed and in love with almost any baby i see from now on.
I have a new favorite show. Law and Order:SVU. It is mostly about rapes and other heinous sex crimes and them being brought to justice. Sounds out there and sick and that is what I thought when I first heard of it but it is intriguing. Anyway it doesn't matter what I like on TV but there have been two statements on this show tonight that made a lot of sense. The first was that devastating things happen all the time, each day that goes by we are NEVER the same again, and sometimes things are more devastating than other days.
The second was this woman didn't understand why she had been raped, because she thought that since her mother had died a very slow painful death and she had gone through it with her that was the only hard thing she would have to endure in life. It seemed unfair to her that she had then been raped and gone through something even harder... This got me thinking of my own situations in life. I thought placing Gold for adoption was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I had suicidal moments after that period in my life of being pregnant with him and leaving Kansas City after his birth, because I thought "my mission in life is done". I was put on this earth to have a baby for my aunt and uncle. I got to have wild fun as a teenager and that was the end result which benefited them. I assumed to know what God had planned for me and my life. Then as time went by I realized my place in Jarrod's life and his ultimate placement in my heart and being a beam in my back. I realized my family and how amazing they are and how much I totally love them and that there are hard things but you move on past them and everyone grows and adjusts in their own way. I am not the ONLY one in my family to have difficult things. Every single person on EARTH has hard things. I am not "special" in that way. And now I see that there is more in life. Quitting drugs several years ago helped me see the world as a larger place and that there is an abundance of possibility. I have had some really difficult times since Gold was born, in other aspects of life. Hard, hard things have been thrown my way which seemed unfair but fighting through them seems worth it in the end. I wonder if someday I will feel freely to talk about those things as I can talk freely about Gold now? Why is it so hard to talk about what is REALLY hard right now in my life? I don't know. Recently well after I had Mahna I had some really bad days of depression which I associate with post partum blues. But could I just get on my blog and pour my heart out to whomever might read and say I am so depressed that I want to run into a pole with my car? I feel useless and invisible and have nothing but self hatred in my heart and mind. I could NOT say that. I felt weak and was afraid to be judged or that someone would say I am an ungrateful person or try to lock me up as a looney suicidal when I just really needed to TALK and make sense of the things in my mind which did make me feel abnormal. It was confusing to feel so sad yet so so so elated by my beautiful miracle of a daughter who is nothing but joy and wonder. I am so thankful for her and I am thankful now that my mind is going back to "normal" and that I don't have sad angry thoughts closing in on my every thought. I truly empathise with those who have consistant depression on a daily basis and their fight against the waves crashing in. THAT is a strong person who can handle that for years.
Well I suppose that is enough of a rant for now. I am sure I have taken up too much of your time already and I do need to go to sleep now that Jarrod has been in bed a couple hours and Mahna is asleep and I am done wrapping all but ONE present and I am tired=======
So goodnight and thanks for reading. Leave me a happy face comment or something so I know you are a true loyal God send of a person in my life to have read my rant and still checked back on my blog after so much time.
Adios..... more soon, I promise! :)

hold me now......... warm my heart...... stay with me...

I am over the initial shock of giving up work life and money. Well maybe not totally over the money but I have had a marvelous weekend with Mahna. Her pediatrician advised me to quit drinking milk, eating cheese and eggs to see if that might help her not be so cranky. So i have given up my favorite food CHEESE! But I can tell a difference in her after just two days. She is breathing better and her face is not so flaky anymore. Last night I held her while she slept for about 2 hours and again tonight for about an hour before putting her in her bed. I also held her during her nap today and I am probably spoiling her but I just enjoy it so much and so does she. I considered going to church today and it seemed like too much trouble. I hate to say that because I really enjoy hearing what the preacher has to say and getting my thoughts going. But I am not ready to leave Mahna in the hands of strangers or taking her to church with me makes it hard to concentrate. Blah blah blah. I talked to my sistah on the phone today which was cool since we so rarely do talk on the phone. She is such a cool person I really admire her. I also like it that she always asks me if I am "writing" but doesn't get frustrated when I always seem to answer "no". :) I know how important it is to write and my main excuse for not doing it is that someone might read the insanity and confusion I would put onto paper and know what I am really like inside.

jitter

I quit my housecleaning business today. Mahna is so cranky and irregular with her naptimes these days I can't take her with me anymore. A four hour cleaning can take up to six... I just get too frustrated and feel like I am not doing as well of a job as I am getting paid for. The alternative to quitting was to ask my mom to babysit three times a week. Jarrod and I talked about it and really didn't want her to be more of a babysitter than a grandma. I also don't want the time to fly by while Mahna is a baby. If I have the chance to be with her all the time, I should sieze the opportunity. I feel nervous and anxious about quitting. I feel like I lost control of something but I think it is just temporary. I am just nervous about life and changes. I want to be a good mother, wife and all around person. I dunno. I feel depressed cuz I feel out of control. It will pass... That is my update. Mahna is an angel. Fun and adorable. Pure joy in my world. She smiles, laughs and likes to play. It is cool and each new cool thing she does I think wow I can't believe things will keep getting cooler than this!!