Tired of Coughing

Ugh, sick for a few days now and why does it seem like it is getting worse and not better? I hate coughing!!!!!!! Can anyone get me some decent cough medicine????? :) Poor Mahna has the bad cough too. I really don't think humidifiers help worth a crap. Some people seem to be firm believers in them, but I just haven't seen any help out of it. And because of her young age and small size she can't really take any USEFUL medicines.

I am working on my Christmas shopping. Jarrod is forbidding me of spending much money, but I really want to buy everyone EVERYTHING. I don't know if this is a "gift" or if it is a mental problem? haha.

Mommy got me the Willow Tree Nativity scene and it is on top of our TV and it looks purdy. I really love Christmas time and all the music and just general good feeling. Of course I say this now, but then every year at this time I find myself drinking or feeling depressed out of my mind and both times I have gotten pregnant were at this time of the year. Not trying to say that getting pregnant has been a BAD thing just sometimes things happen out of depression leading to recklessnes... WHEW too much honesty, better sign off.

over it

Ok I am over it. No more pity party for me. I am over it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! :) Hope everyone is enjoying the fellowship of family togetherness. Family get togethers are my all time favorite thing. I never would have thought when I was 13 that I would say that now. BUT seriously I love my siblings they are so much fun and my grandma is one of my best friends and my parents are awesome and my mom is like a best friend. I like all of us being in one place. I used to like it when all my aunts uncles grandparents etc cousins etc would go to lake of the ozarks in the summertime, too. It just feels good to have so many blood relatives together. Now there are a few relatives I don't look so forward to seeing, but the general feeling is still the same. Things just changed some in our family after Mimi died in the car accident.

I also got a sweet phone call from Nikki today and from my cuzin Cynthia, which was cool!

Anywaysssssssssssssss. Foods good and family wine and football are good. TOODLES FOR NOW

depression

For those of you who didn't see my last post from a day or two ago, I put some pics of Mahna in her halloween costume and a pic of her and Gold from October. Some people may look right past that pic and not realize it is Mahna sitting there with her hand on her 1/2 brother's knee. It is one of my favorite pictures ever, just one of those moments that magically got captured.

This leads me into my depression subject. I spent the morning crying and having a pity party for caroline because Gold is not coming for Thanksgiving. I find out two days before hand. This just sucks and I am just sad.

BUT I have to pull myself out of this sadness. If I live with a dark cloud in my mind, I will go mad. There is nothing worse than trying to make it through a day, singing here and there to brighten the mood, but slowly in creeps this fog. A few moments later I am listening to Metallica and wishing I could close my eyes while I drive. Hopefully this is just a one day thing. I LOGICALLY know and understand that I have soooooooo much to be thankful for. I have NOTHING to be sad about. Life could be so much worse, so many things are such huge blessings in my life. I am so lucky for my whole life my family my daughter my parents my husband............. Things have turned out so awesome for me and it is horrible to feel sorry for myself EVER! I have a 1/2 belief in chemical misfires in the brain I guess, I think more than anything I want to not think of that possibility becakuse denial is much easier than acceptance or facing possible truth.........................................................................................

pics

here u go

They come in more than THREES

Bad things, well I am now living proof they come in more than 3's. It is funny because a few weeks ago Jarrod got a ticket. I told him he better watch out because there were two more bad things on the way. A few days later I got a ticket. A day or so after that I screwed up my bank account and got overdrafts. A few days ago I screwed up my account again. Today I got another ticket. (n0t to mention all the bad luck things that have happened in between) So basically I am having a black cloud over my head month. It is becoming very hard not to feel sorry for myself. The thing is that I feel sorry for myself because I am acting like such an idiot! I am not even on drugs!!!!!!!!! I just keep making mistake after mistake. And then I am telling my family/friends these things and thinking "why am I telling them? why do I want them (and now all of you) to know what an idiot I am being?" I do not argue with police officers but the one who pulled me over today was a sly one. He tried to say that I was going 8 miles faster than I was. Then when I asked to see his radar he lowered it four miles and tried to play nice. When I called him on it again he got defensive about how if I took it to court it would be my "civilian word against his 10 yrs of experience and 80 hours of training". I was speeding and did deserve a ticket. But not for 18 over.......only for TEN over. I thought it was 45 and I was going 50. It was actually 40 and he 'said' I was going 18 over. I am not that young u beefcake head. Oh well. Anyone remember the song by Garbage......."STUPID GIRL"? It's been my theme song off and on for years.

My sister, the nanny

I am guiltily blogging right now because Anna is watching Mahna in the next room. She must feel like I "dump" Mahna on her every time we are together. I was rather envious this weekend when at my friend Jana's house in San Antonio. Her 9 month old is content to play on the floor by herself. She crawls around and smiles constantly. I feel guilty for being jealous but I can never just leave Mahna playing on the floor and walk off to do what I need to get done. Then again........ Brook is Jana's second baby so maybe that is the difference. I have trained Mahna, unintentionally, to need me or someone constantly with her. It is good in some ways. I like to think positively that this forces me to not take for granted her short little childhood and to savor the memories.

We had an awesome weekend.......... I thought we wouldn't ever get there, so much drama happend before we left. I realized at 9:30 pm the night before that I had only 16 dollars in my bank account. I had overdrawn it while Nikki was in town and had NO idea. SO I call Kendra to say don't bother coming to watch Frank if u don't want to so they turned around and went back. Meanwhile Jana and Chris call us a million times talking us into coming anyway and they would pay for gas. It was a back and forth ordeal alllllll night.

I would embellish more but Mahna is on my lap now and I can't type....................

oky doky

i promise to post pictures soon. i have so many! i will narrow it down to the recent past.

don't know how my family would feel about me posting my thoughts on franky drama.

I will let u in on a little of my own drama............ soon