Why is it my ex, whom I have not seen in approx. 5 yrs showed up at my doorstep when I am very chubbily pregnant and had no makeup on?
Okay, well Gold's biological "father" showed up Monday, asking to see pictures of Gold. This is the FIRST time in 6 years he has asked to see a picture. I was really nice to him when he came over. In fact, I began to feel quite sorry for him, as he told me about his sad marriage to his "devil wife" as he called her. I was nice, I even felt sorry for him. Tuesday, when he left a message on the answering machine asking if Jarrod wanted to go have a beer, part of me thought "what could it hurt?". Today... the rage kicked in. How dare he show up at my door? He lied to me, cheated on me, made me look like a fool, and then abandoned me and denied his own child. I guess I am just mad today. I just think, why bother with him? why feel sorry? Why have I been waiting for 6 years for him to ask for a picture? I even offered to let him keep some pictures, which he declined because "suzen won't let him". I now think that is a lie, too, and he probably convinced her that Gold is not his kid. Whatever. I do not care. I am so thankful for my life now. Now that I see what I "could have had". I could have been with some jerk who is never happy with what he has and is always looking for something else. Screw that. I am so glad of who I am with and how my life is now. It has taken forever to get here, and if he thought he could walk in and change anything he was sadly mistaken. BAH
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Sunday, April 25, 2004
tired of being sad over it
so here is a prayer i cut out of the newspaper, its pretty groovacious
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
where there is injury , pardon
where there is doubt, faith
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.......
DIG IT??????
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
where there is injury , pardon
where there is doubt, faith
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.......
DIG IT??????
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
bah bah blacksheep
I am straight up depressed today because my brother is in trouble. I can think of very little else, and all day I was thinking. I am in Yoga and my brother is in jail. I am doing calculus and my brother is in jail. I am eating at Joe's and my brother is in jail. It just sucks. Straight up.
Anyway for other news in my life, I am up to my ears in school and totally confused about my math. I have a book to read STILL and ugh.... I could gripe more but I know no one wants to hear it.
Well happy day to u all and talk to u soon. adios.
Anyway for other news in my life, I am up to my ears in school and totally confused about my math. I have a book to read STILL and ugh.... I could gripe more but I know no one wants to hear it.
Well happy day to u all and talk to u soon. adios.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
end of semester
Craziness is starting to set in now that the semester is coming to an end. I wonder, will this be my "LAST" semester? I hope and think not. But it is hard to say what life with baby will be like. I am pretty good at juggling a million things but with another human being on my hip? we shall see.
Sarah...... i am sorry i will miss you when u go to utah. I hope u and kendra get to hang out tho and have fun.
Stephy... I do wear a mask sometimes and am always in well ventilated areas. I always wear gloves, though. I do hope u will come to my shower. I don't know when it will be or anything but I would love to have u there! Give me your addy so I can send u an invite.
I have already noticed the way people treat you differently when you are CHUB_A_LUBish but inside i kind of am laughing cuz it is sort of fun and funny sometimes to be chubbier and know that people are looking at me sideways or maybe I am just paranoid. Either way its funny to me because I feel like I know who I am underneath. And for the first time in my life I am starting to think, it is NOT all about how you look. I mean, sure mostly that is what ppl care about, but you know, my husband treats me like a princess and my family and neighbors still talk to me so ya know...
Sad night last night....... Our AIDS kitty died. We knew it would happen someday, but it was still shocking and really sad to say good bye to her. Jarrod is a big time animal lover and was so broken hearted. He was so determined that that cat was going to live and didn't really have Aids....She did live 6 mo. longer than the vet estimated, so I guess that is good. At least she had a home and did not have to be put to sleep and was not miserable when she died. She also didn't spread the disease to more cats before she died. So those are good things... But it was still oh so sad..... I cant even explain how heartbreaking it was, but most of you probably know. The one major thing I dislike about getting older is death. I don't think there is a sadder pain than dealing with death... At least not now.
Okay well goodnight and thanks for reading
xoxo
Sarah...... i am sorry i will miss you when u go to utah. I hope u and kendra get to hang out tho and have fun.
Stephy... I do wear a mask sometimes and am always in well ventilated areas. I always wear gloves, though. I do hope u will come to my shower. I don't know when it will be or anything but I would love to have u there! Give me your addy so I can send u an invite.
I have already noticed the way people treat you differently when you are CHUB_A_LUBish but inside i kind of am laughing cuz it is sort of fun and funny sometimes to be chubbier and know that people are looking at me sideways or maybe I am just paranoid. Either way its funny to me because I feel like I know who I am underneath. And for the first time in my life I am starting to think, it is NOT all about how you look. I mean, sure mostly that is what ppl care about, but you know, my husband treats me like a princess and my family and neighbors still talk to me so ya know...
Sad night last night....... Our AIDS kitty died. We knew it would happen someday, but it was still shocking and really sad to say good bye to her. Jarrod is a big time animal lover and was so broken hearted. He was so determined that that cat was going to live and didn't really have Aids....She did live 6 mo. longer than the vet estimated, so I guess that is good. At least she had a home and did not have to be put to sleep and was not miserable when she died. She also didn't spread the disease to more cats before she died. So those are good things... But it was still oh so sad..... I cant even explain how heartbreaking it was, but most of you probably know. The one major thing I dislike about getting older is death. I don't think there is a sadder pain than dealing with death... At least not now.
Okay well goodnight and thanks for reading
xoxo
Sunday, April 11, 2004
who knows
I wonder who will still read my blog after two weeks of no bloggy blog. Well hello to anyone who is. I don't know what it is that got into me and made me not want to blog. It just seemed like too much trouble (gasp).
Today oh happy easter day we had a groovacious church service about crucifiction. I was on cloud nine because Jarrod went to church with me and that is such a very rare occurance. We then did another rare thing by going to lunch w/ my grandparents. It was yummy food at Olive Garden. Oh those breadsticks! Well anyone who is curious about the pregnancy thing, it is going fine. I have outgrown every piece of clothing I think, except my 2XL sweatshirt haha. I know I am too chubby but I am enjoying this eating time while I can. I crave cereal a lot, so I eat it when I want to. I know this is my only time in life with an EXCUSE to be chubby. During other times of my life it will be totally looked down upon. And guess what!!!!!! I felt the baby moving last Tuesday! It was so awesome to feel it. It moved for a few minutes straight. I love it! Tonight it moved again. Well, I know it moves all the time, but I could FEEL it again tonight. I tried to show Jarrod, but only I can feel it, you can't feel it with your hand yet. That was sad, cuz I want to share it with him, and I hate that he feels left out right now. But I know soon he will get to feel it. Oh and I am still cleaning houses. In fact I got a new customer. That is cool to be making more money so I don't have to worry so much. it was a big answer to prayer. An almost over night answer, it seemed. My back usually hurts when I am cleaning, but it goes away pretty much after I am done. The only other time I feel uncomfortable is sitting down for over an hour (such as in a theater or car). I am 18 weeks now! I get to find out on Apr 30 if it is a boy or girl. Jarrods mom, my mom and Jarrod will be going with me. Last pregnancy thing, I am still working out at least twice a week pretty good. So that means I will have good muscles under my chubbiness! :) love ya all!!!!!!!! night!
Today oh happy easter day we had a groovacious church service about crucifiction. I was on cloud nine because Jarrod went to church with me and that is such a very rare occurance. We then did another rare thing by going to lunch w/ my grandparents. It was yummy food at Olive Garden. Oh those breadsticks! Well anyone who is curious about the pregnancy thing, it is going fine. I have outgrown every piece of clothing I think, except my 2XL sweatshirt haha. I know I am too chubby but I am enjoying this eating time while I can. I crave cereal a lot, so I eat it when I want to. I know this is my only time in life with an EXCUSE to be chubby. During other times of my life it will be totally looked down upon. And guess what!!!!!! I felt the baby moving last Tuesday! It was so awesome to feel it. It moved for a few minutes straight. I love it! Tonight it moved again. Well, I know it moves all the time, but I could FEEL it again tonight. I tried to show Jarrod, but only I can feel it, you can't feel it with your hand yet. That was sad, cuz I want to share it with him, and I hate that he feels left out right now. But I know soon he will get to feel it. Oh and I am still cleaning houses. In fact I got a new customer. That is cool to be making more money so I don't have to worry so much. it was a big answer to prayer. An almost over night answer, it seemed. My back usually hurts when I am cleaning, but it goes away pretty much after I am done. The only other time I feel uncomfortable is sitting down for over an hour (such as in a theater or car). I am 18 weeks now! I get to find out on Apr 30 if it is a boy or girl. Jarrods mom, my mom and Jarrod will be going with me. Last pregnancy thing, I am still working out at least twice a week pretty good. So that means I will have good muscles under my chubbiness! :) love ya all!!!!!!!! night!
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