decided

well jarrod and i decided and agreed today we want to name our lil gurl Mahna. For anyone who wonders it is pronounced MAaaaaaaahnuh. LOL LARA. well anyway today my mom anna and i had a garage sale and sold a bunch of our junk and then gave the rest to that monger of a thrift store CCA. i am sleeeeeeeepy cuz we only slept about 5 hours. i used to have NO idea why people couldn't live on 3-5 hours of sleep but today i have felt so horrible i can't believe i am in the same body i was 5 years ago, or heck even 6 months ago! i feel her moving in my belly all the time though, and it is so cool, like a secret kind of thing between us. so thats the story for today, more later, adios thanks for reading

last day in Utah

Today is the last day in utah, and i am oh so glad. I loooove being around my sister, though, and I will totally miss her. I just really miss Jarrod. I can't believe I haven't seen him in 5 days! He has been having fun with his family and friends, too, and stayed bizy so that is all good. We hang out like constantly so it is really wacky for us to be apart for this long. Also being in a hotel room w/ franky, anna, mom and dad for so many days it is kind of crowded and u know how u just get cranky w/ people after a few days. anywaysssss hope u are all doing good.

still happy clappy

I am still a happy woman, knowing i am having a girl. I just need to decide on a name. I really like Mahna for the reason of family. It was my beautiful grandma's name who died. She was the most awesome person. But I also like Audrey and I really have an urge to let Jarrod name our daughter. He just wants to let me decide. Well I am in Utah right now visiting Kendra, who graduated from COLLEGE yesterday. She is too accomplished i tell ya! We have had a lotta fun tho. It is fun being on a vacation w/ my family, like olden times. But I miss my huzband a lot, too. It is weird sleeping w/ out him and not seeing my kitties everyday. Luckily his parents have been entertaining him constantly since I left, so he has not been bummed out or bored. Tomorrow is mother's day so happy day to all you Mommy's out there. adios for now, thanks for all the comments!

can't paint your nails while you blog

haha

okay enough of my depressing and angry blogs... this is a super happy one b/c i have been on cloud 9 since yesterday when I found out I am having a GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

i am so so sosososoososoooooooooo happy and i feel so blesssed and soooooooooooo lucky and oh jeez i am scared shitless but i am amazed and in awe and my new favorite color is pink!

I can't believe I GET TO RAISE A GIRL! I feel so lucky!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh

ok anyone else excited??

Y iz it?

Why is it my ex, whom I have not seen in approx. 5 yrs showed up at my doorstep when I am very chubbily pregnant and had no makeup on?

Okay, well Gold's biological "father" showed up Monday, asking to see pictures of Gold. This is the FIRST time in 6 years he has asked to see a picture. I was really nice to him when he came over. In fact, I began to feel quite sorry for him, as he told me about his sad marriage to his "devil wife" as he called her. I was nice, I even felt sorry for him. Tuesday, when he left a message on the answering machine asking if Jarrod wanted to go have a beer, part of me thought "what could it hurt?". Today... the rage kicked in. How dare he show up at my door? He lied to me, cheated on me, made me look like a fool, and then abandoned me and denied his own child. I guess I am just mad today. I just think, why bother with him? why feel sorry? Why have I been waiting for 6 years for him to ask for a picture? I even offered to let him keep some pictures, which he declined because "suzen won't let him". I now think that is a lie, too, and he probably convinced her that Gold is not his kid. Whatever. I do not care. I am so thankful for my life now. Now that I see what I "could have had". I could have been with some jerk who is never happy with what he has and is always looking for something else. Screw that. I am so glad of who I am with and how my life is now. It has taken forever to get here, and if he thought he could walk in and change anything he was sadly mistaken. BAH

tired of being sad over it

so here is a prayer i cut out of the newspaper, its pretty groovacious

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
where there is injury , pardon
where there is doubt, faith
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console

To be understood as to understand

To be loved as to love

For it is in giving that we receive

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.......


DIG IT??????

bah bah blacksheep

I am straight up depressed today because my brother is in trouble. I can think of very little else, and all day I was thinking. I am in Yoga and my brother is in jail. I am doing calculus and my brother is in jail. I am eating at Joe's and my brother is in jail. It just sucks. Straight up.

Anyway for other news in my life, I am up to my ears in school and totally confused about my math. I have a book to read STILL and ugh.... I could gripe more but I know no one wants to hear it.

Well happy day to u all and talk to u soon. adios.

end of semester

Craziness is starting to set in now that the semester is coming to an end. I wonder, will this be my "LAST" semester? I hope and think not. But it is hard to say what life with baby will be like. I am pretty good at juggling a million things but with another human being on my hip? we shall see.

Sarah...... i am sorry i will miss you when u go to utah. I hope u and kendra get to hang out tho and have fun.
Stephy... I do wear a mask sometimes and am always in well ventilated areas. I always wear gloves, though. I do hope u will come to my shower. I don't know when it will be or anything but I would love to have u there! Give me your addy so I can send u an invite.

I have already noticed the way people treat you differently when you are CHUB_A_LUBish but inside i kind of am laughing cuz it is sort of fun and funny sometimes to be chubbier and know that people are looking at me sideways or maybe I am just paranoid. Either way its funny to me because I feel like I know who I am underneath. And for the first time in my life I am starting to think, it is NOT all about how you look. I mean, sure mostly that is what ppl care about, but you know, my husband treats me like a princess and my family and neighbors still talk to me so ya know...

Sad night last night....... Our AIDS kitty died. We knew it would happen someday, but it was still shocking and really sad to say good bye to her. Jarrod is a big time animal lover and was so broken hearted. He was so determined that that cat was going to live and didn't really have Aids....She did live 6 mo. longer than the vet estimated, so I guess that is good. At least she had a home and did not have to be put to sleep and was not miserable when she died. She also didn't spread the disease to more cats before she died. So those are good things... But it was still oh so sad..... I cant even explain how heartbreaking it was, but most of you probably know. The one major thing I dislike about getting older is death. I don't think there is a sadder pain than dealing with death... At least not now.

Okay well goodnight and thanks for reading
xoxo

who knows

I wonder who will still read my blog after two weeks of no bloggy blog. Well hello to anyone who is. I don't know what it is that got into me and made me not want to blog. It just seemed like too much trouble (gasp).

Today oh happy easter day we had a groovacious church service about crucifiction. I was on cloud nine because Jarrod went to church with me and that is such a very rare occurance. We then did another rare thing by going to lunch w/ my grandparents. It was yummy food at Olive Garden. Oh those breadsticks! Well anyone who is curious about the pregnancy thing, it is going fine. I have outgrown every piece of clothing I think, except my 2XL sweatshirt haha. I know I am too chubby but I am enjoying this eating time while I can. I crave cereal a lot, so I eat it when I want to. I know this is my only time in life with an EXCUSE to be chubby. During other times of my life it will be totally looked down upon. And guess what!!!!!! I felt the baby moving last Tuesday! It was so awesome to feel it. It moved for a few minutes straight. I love it! Tonight it moved again. Well, I know it moves all the time, but I could FEEL it again tonight. I tried to show Jarrod, but only I can feel it, you can't feel it with your hand yet. That was sad, cuz I want to share it with him, and I hate that he feels left out right now. But I know soon he will get to feel it. Oh and I am still cleaning houses. In fact I got a new customer. That is cool to be making more money so I don't have to worry so much. it was a big answer to prayer. An almost over night answer, it seemed. My back usually hurts when I am cleaning, but it goes away pretty much after I am done. The only other time I feel uncomfortable is sitting down for over an hour (such as in a theater or car). I am 18 weeks now! I get to find out on Apr 30 if it is a boy or girl. Jarrods mom, my mom and Jarrod will be going with me. Last pregnancy thing, I am still working out at least twice a week pretty good. So that means I will have good muscles under my chubbiness! :) love ya all!!!!!!!! night!

oh happy day

It has been a good weekend! Yesterday Jarrod and I got our income tax money so I got a vacuum (yes I am an obsessive cleaning lady) and he got a lawn mower (now he is a real man!). It was fun shopping for these things even though I can't believe we were excited about a lawn mower and vacuum. Even after being married almost 4 years we still feel like we are playing house sometimes. I kind of hope it always stays this way. Like we go through 2 weeks of eating at the table for dinner every night... then get bored of it and go back to the couch in front of the TV. But while the table lasts I feel so domestic and wifely, like I am doing what I always wanted to. Am I a total retardo? Tonight at my parent's house I sort of came to an understanding with myself, too. I realized that I am not a total loser for not having a college degree yet. It is okay that I am not just like Kendra, as driven and determined, and decisive... I just have different things I am doing and it does not make me less in my parents eyes, and I should not feel jealous of her or feel embarrassed of what I have not yet accomplished. I still have life left, right. Okay well anyway!

Today Jarrod and I got up at 9:30 and went grocery shopping (another play house thing) and then watched TV for a little while and had our neighbor over and his daughter who just turned 18 today and we played Jeapordy (sp?) on the playstation. It was kinda fun. I gave her one of my old hemp necklaces and a raver bracelet and a cupcake and she thought it was like the best present ever. That made me feel good for her that she had a happy piece of day. Later I went to church w/ Ma, and then we went to Ross and she got me some pregnancy pants. They are actually pretty cute, even on a super-chubbo like myself.

OH speaking of chubbbbbbbbo, I found out I can't go on the Atkins diet when I am breastfeeding! AND I can't drink beer! What the heck am I going to do! Ugh.

Well happy week to all of you, hope you can comment for me to make my day happy. I will try to keep up with the blog better. ADIOS!

sumthing pozitive

okay i feel better, hopefully the blues will stay at bay for a while, now that I had one super crappy day. Life is not so bad, really. I am just uncomfortable in my own skin, and I have a hard time dealing with that. All day Tuesday i was praying for something positive to come in my mind, because I literally had only depressing thoughts streaming through. I know that may seem ridiculous to some logical folks. I have so much to be thankful for, I know. But finally that afternoon I realized I had one major thing to be thankful for. I got really lucky with the man that I married. (AWWWWWWWW) He is really sweet to me and gives me constant constant attention, which I am a big craver of. I just have my moments where I am so happy and feel so blessed that I got HIM instead of some of the other alternatives. I think the best part and the SAVING GRACE part of our life together was him choosing me, not the other way around. If I would have picked, I would have picked THE WRONG GUY.

ANywaysssssssss today was a great day. I went to school, and had a fine day, and then went to my parent's house where I hung out w/ anna and franky a while then me and Anna went to sTARBUCKS and sat outside in the lovely sunshine. Then we went to Cindy's to feed her kitties and we played w/ them in her backyard for about an hour and laid in her hammock in the sun..... aaah. THEN we went to Anna's old school and swung on the swings and she showed me her tricks on the monkey bars. It was fun.

Hope everyone is oky doky. Love ya Caroline

hate this

I hate this day, I hate this day, I am so mad and grumpy and want to cry and scream and I hate everyone I come in contact with today, well not really everyone, but it all is making me mad and irritated and depressed and I hate this feeling.

almost a week

I remembered sort of subtly but slowly that I had shot a cop, on accident, and stole a bunch of money. I still had his keys, which my grandpa advised me to put somewhere that he would find them because nothing is more of a pain than losing a whole set of keys. All I could think of were fingerprints. Then I found the money order for $1000 made out to Deborah someone in my wallet. Boy do I wish I could change that money order to be made out to me, because I am BROKE now. And I need to leave NOW. The money order, I remember is for a donation place of some kind. At the time I stole all that money, I thought I should donate some of it, so as to ease my conscience. But it was so soon after it happened that i never gave her the money order. I want to now, seeing as it is useless to me. I always use sharpies to fill out my money orders, since there is that stuff to take regular ink off them if someone stole it. I can't believe I shot someone. That is too freaky. And his son was there, too. He was older, but still... Now me and this girl have to run and I don't know where we are going to go, but I have to pack up some stuff fast. I put some of my memories in a backpack. I grab two coin purses out of the trunk of my car. I look at all the other misc. stuff back there and think about how later on someone will be going through all this stuff........ I jump in the back of the van with The Girl and we start to leave. I tell her I didn't pack any clothes, we are starting brand new. But in the back of my mind I know that was pretty dumb not to even bring extra underwear. I am scared and regretful. I think of what Jarrod is going to say. I want to hate him and be mad at him and not care that I am leaving, so those are the thoughts I push in my head. I try to figure out ways I could stay and live close enough to still have my life but not have to go to jail. I figure out a way, and then we are on TV, tied up...... with crazy looking wigs on....... the dream is fading out and I wake up.

hmmmmmmmm

Today's topic will be; "not all people are out to get something from you"

some examples of this in my life are mostly my family members... and I do feel privaleged for that because not all people are lucky enough to have family members who do not "expect something in return" if you know what I mean. Unfortunately my husband has a family like this, although they try not to be like that. Anyway.... I am thankful for my fam and his, for different reasons. I also have a neighbor who is not rich, does not "have" a lot, but is constantly trying to give me and Jarrod something. And he knows that we love him to death (and hate his guts at times) and honestly gives us these little gifts or acts of kindness without expectations. Think about how rare this is. I am constantly suspicious of people because usually if they are doing something nice they want something back, or need you for something later on....... Christians or NOT. Of course Christians are easier to trust if you really believe they are Christians because at least you know they probably have a conscience. Another person that comes to mind and is the main reason for this Blog, is my friend Cynthia who I talked to last night for the first time in MONTHS. I must say she is one of very few women that I feel comfortable to talk openly with, and this is a good thing> I was really almost bubbly that she called me last night, although I could pick up the phone at any time and call her, but do I? No. I hate THE PHONE. But that is another tale for another day. I am just here to babble on today about a few pieces of lovliness picked out of my ever-moving world.

Now a big phat complaint, and a warning to anyone thinking of becoming pregnant............ MY BACK HURTS!

XOXO
Happy Friday
caroline the cleaning lady

more dreams

Last night another crazy dream. My dad was in my grandma's old house, fixing up an old computer for me, in the bathroom. I went in to see what he was up to. I had been in trouble all day, for being late to work, skipping school, etc etc. So he fixed a computer for me to keep, and gave me $50 to spend on whatever I wanted to...

This is a strange dream, because I only remember once my dad handing me cash to spend and that was when I was 7 mo. pregnant w/ Gold living in Kansas City with no money and no job, but lots of family love! He gave me $50 then and it meant a lot to me. I also have been wishing for money lately, the night before last I dreamed of shoe shopping at Journeys. I probably dreamed about my grandma's house because I saw her last night. I think I dreamed of the computer b/c when I saw my brother yesterday he was playing Sims on the upstairs "closet" computer.

As for yesterday's blog, thanks SO much to those who took time to read it and comment! U ROCK~~~~~~~~~

MuzAc MemOriez

I woke up thinking about music and my own personal awakening to it. I remember being 8 or 9 years old, living in Aurora Colorado, and listening to the radio for long periods of time after school, waiting for my favorite songs to come on the radio so I could record them on blank tapes. Did anyone else do this? I am guessing that not everyone does, because I asked Anna to make me a tape for Christmas and she didn't know how. Then again, I was a kid in the age of tapes, not CD's. I remember my "papa" bought me a boom box I guess when Iwas about that age and that boom box (does anyone else know what I am talking about when I say boom box) was my best friend until it died and I got one of those stereos w/ the record player/CD player/ Two tape deck and separate speakers, probably around 8th grade. Papa might have bought that for me,too, he used to spoil me at Sam's club. :) I remember the first tape I owned, at at 8/9 was "Tiffany". I can't remember now how I first heard of Tiffany, but I listened to her over and over. Anyone remember "I think we're alone now"? Okay well me and my "friend" Megan, used to make up choreography dances at recess. All the boys loved to watch her and usually made fun of me. But I won't get into that. When me and Kendra would visit our cuzins in Kansas City (Adam and Ryan) we would listen to Tiffany and other stuff too, I just can't remember it now. We would jump on their trampoline I remember that, it was fun. Fast forward to 7th grade, I remember listening to "Z-ROCK" when I went to bed every night> We lived in Belton, MO by then, and I shared a bedroom with Franky temporarily. My dad didn't appreciate the sounds of Guns N roses and Metallica coming through the walls late at night so he gave me headphones to use. They were the BIG headphones like they use in recording studios (I think he had them since the 70's) and I couldn't lay on the side of my head with them. But I listened to Z ROCK religiously on an A.M. radio station, until they got taken off the air. I heard they were in Dallas for a while, too, and had the same cultish following. At this time in my life I grew very fond of Metallica and Guns N Roses, this was when the BLACK album was out and the Use your Illusion albums. I got my Metallica tape confiscated repeatedly by my dad, who read the lyrics and saw things against God in them. He put the tape in his sock drawer every time he took it away, and I would go take it back. I lived for that music, the words seemed to explain to me how I felt. My parents did not understand who I was turning into, wearing black, makeup, and that early 90's high bangs look... but I won't go into that, either. SO next I was in a house in Belton, with my own bedroom in the basement listening to Guns N Roses "Don't Cry" and "November Rain" and "Coma" over and over... By this time I was friends with Nikki and Kimmy and was getting in trouble with my parents constantly...... I had also made great friends with my neighbor, Brett, who was a grade above me. We used to sneak out at night a lot to smoke cigarrettes and walk around the dark suburbs. He gave me a Motley Crue CD with "Home Sweet Home" on it, which he stole from the guy who lived next door, that we picked on a lot. Fast forward a couple years..... summertime at the lake of the ozarks, Kendra, me, Adam and Ryan listening to "Scorpions" over and over......... "Send me an angel" is the song that sticks out in my mind the most. Listening to that tape on the dock, while tanning with baby oil on our skin, in the top of the shed, while carving our names in the wood and sneaking cigarrettes. I also remember listening to Metallica "One" at the lake with Nikki up in the camper trailer we sometimes made our temporary bedroom... I remember Kimmy introducing me to Garth Brooks, who I did grow to enjoy over time... My parents sent me and Nikki on a youth group trip when we were in 8th or 9th grade and we listened to Nine Inch Nails and tried to get a tattoo at a place near the dorms we were staying in. Nine inch nails was a long time obsession that sent me into "loving" Marilyn Manson, which I was very INTO when I moved to Texas in the middle of my 10th grade year. I would look forward to coming home from school just so I could listen to that CD over and over again... There were lots more, but I do not want to lose any readers who might still be here with me... I am not sure what the point of this blog is, except memories that overwhelmed me so I wrote them down. I could go on for another hour, but maybe I will just do a continuation. I have horrible memory loss, so to me, remembering this much makes me really happy.

So my question to you? Do you remember the first music you were passionate about? Do you have a fave CD you listen to now, for days or weeks, then move on to something new?

Thanks for reading! XOXO

howdy again

Okay, I have been slackin on the blogerooni. I always think of things to write about then by the time I get to my computer they are poof gone.

Being pregnant comes along with strange dreams that I REMEMBEr every single night. It is so strange. Last night I dreamt of going to the hospital in labor but I hadn't taken birthing classes yet. I was absolutely TERRIFIED like havng an anxiety attack in my dream over having to give birth. It was crazy. Then the baby was born and it was a boy and they handed it to me and I was all goo goo and then they said oh we haven't brought your baby in yet, that is Deborah's baby boy, yours is a girl. Who is Deborah??? Anyway, so they bring this little girl, who has a developed face of a 3 yr old but is the size of a premie, and can TALK. Last baby dream I had the baby PURRED like a cat, so I guess my brain is slowly catching on here, I don't know. It was wacky though. The baby kept saying I don't want a diaper change, I want some different clothes, I do not want to take a nap, stuff like that. haha.

Well Happy Saturday to anyone who reads blogs on Saturdays!

xoxo

howdy again

Okay, I have been slackin on the blogerooni. I always think of things to write about then by the time I get to my computer they are poof gone.

Being pregnant comes along with strange dreams that I REMEMBEr every single night. It is so strange. Last night I dreamt of going to the hospital in labor but I hadn't taken birthing classes yet. I was absolutely TERRIFIED like havng an anxiety attack in my dream over having to give birth. It was crazy. Then the baby was born and it was a boy and they handed it to me and I was all goo goo and then they said oh we haven't brought your baby in yet, that is Deborah's baby boy, yours is a girl. Who is Deborah??? Anyway, so they bring this little girl, who has a developed face of a 3 yr old but is the size of a premie, and can TALK. Last baby dream I had the baby PURRED like a cat, so I guess my brain is slowly catching on here, I don't know. It was wacky though. The baby kept saying I don't want a diaper change, I want some different clothes, I do not want to take a nap, stuff like that. haha.

Well Happy Saturday to anyone who reads blogs on Saturdays!

xoxo

update

Today I had my first dr. appt. It was not as exciting as I expected. i don't know what the heck I was expecting, though. I guess I need to realize that the doctor is dealing w/ a lot of pregnant women each day, and I am not some amazing miracle! :) Oh well! Anyway I got to see the baby and the heart was beating, so that is good. I know that (might) sound wierd but I was seriously kind of scared, ya know! Anyway I found out I am only 11 weeks. So I am due Sept. 13. My grandma will be excited since her bday is Sept 16! :) haha. I am feeling nervous and faced with a lot of reality today. I am about to go workout. That will make me feel better, then I am off to study study study and take a math test. JOY

Happy Monday! CAROLINE

hooray for Friday.

Today is my "alternate" Friday, where I only have one house to clean. These are the days that I love! Yesterday cleaning Evelyn's house I got SO tired. I just wanted to pass out while I was VACUUMING! This is crazy, I am only about 3 mo. pregnant, and I feel so tired and worn out. I have gone back to my healthier eating habits. I was off of them for about a week, and I felt REALLY crappy then. I am down to only exercising twice a week, and I need to do more but the bed just feels a lot better in themorning these days!

Well I did my insurance paperwork, and decided on Dr. Franklin, and a hospital. jarrod and I had pretty much already ruled out an at home birth, and Lewisville hospital is like 2 minutes from our house, so technically I could probably walk there. haha. I think it will be better this way, hospitals feel safe. And last pregnancy, I had a midwife whom I loved, BUT then when I got sick with Toxemia she couldn't do ANYTHING for me and I was introduced to a whole new doctor who did my surgery, after care, everything. So I dunno. I hope this will all be okay. I got an appointment on MONDAY!!!!! I am so excited that I booked the 7:40 a.m. appointment! haha! so much for sleeping in on monday! I am also scared that they will not be able to hear the heartbeat or something awful like that. Ugh...... That is a horrid feeling. I am such a worrywart, I just can't help it. As for being pregnant, well I don't feel much different except tired and sometimes getting cramps if I get out of bed or off the couch too quick.

Yesterday I was on my feet for 12 hours straight. I was so exhausted by bedtime, I cleaned Evelyns house, came home, made enchiladas (which takes HOURS!!!!!!!! and then cleaned my house then jarrods' parents got here I served them, played w/ my neices, did more dishes, cleaned up my nieces mess, tried to help Jarrod fix the dryer (does anyone know someone who fixes dryers???) and we finally went to bed. Does that count as one workout for the week? :)

Thanks for all the comments people! I love ya!
CAROLINE