finally!

I finally figured out how to "outsmart" my computer so I can blog again! I wonder if any one even reads it anymore, haha.

So far this has been one of the best weekends I have had in a long time, and it is only Saturday evening!

Thursday Jana called to say she was coming in town. I have not seen her in so long and she has a 6 wk old baby who I hadn't seen and she hadn't seen Mahna, who is almost 6 months old already! So the plan was for Jarrod and I to go stay at their hotel room Fri night. Then Jarrod gets a call to WORK Sat. morning from 3:30 a.m. til noon for a chunk of change. Dilemma! Do we cancel on our friends or do we lose out on a chance to make $$$? See, I usually go with him on these long drive odd jobs. So we are trying to figure out what to do and Jarrod says well how about if you go see Jana and I will do the route myself. I saw this as very unselfish of him. I must say I had such a great time. I cant even remember the last time I got to hang out with a girl-friend and talk all night. We stayed up til 4:30 am watching movies and talktalktalking. It was a good time. I felt so comfortable with her, her huz and their kiddos and of course Mahna was with me and she was very entertained by my 3 yr old goddaughter Bri. Then they brought me home about the same time Jarrod got home from his route and Jarrod told me to go get whatever I wanted to eat, so I got Wingstop which is super yummy and then Mahna and I come home and take a nap with Jarrod and the kitties... I will say one thing about motherhood. WHen you get a chance to get out and about and have some fun, it is just that much more fun because it is not a regular even to be taken for granted. Today I am thankful for each happy moment I do not deserve.

AND IN CONTINUATION:::::
Q 6 is "if you were a historical figure who would it be?"
I would be Ester......... whew what a job!

Q 7 "if you were a book what would you be?"
hmmmmmm that one I will think about

adios and thanks for reading... comment???

technology is such a hassle

Haha, have you seen those commercials w/ the funny looking guy in the green suit that is doing annoying things and the ad says ' why does technology have to be such a hassle'? Too funny! well my computer at home can not get to the "create new post" on blogger these days! I don't know what the dealio is and I have not made the time to figure it out either! So I am at my parents house posting now. My mommy is in the hospital. She had surgery which was planned and is doing better now. Her blood pressure had dropped low and she had to have three blood transfusions already! She was supposed to get out tomorrow but now I don't think they are going to let her. It is scary to see her laid up in a hospital bed, even though I am very thankful she is doing good and her problem was not life threatening. It is just strange to see HER laying there and needing HER mom to feed her etc. just like she did for me when I was in the hospital. I felt very useless and she was sleeping most of the time cuz of all the meds they gave her. Mahna has been pretty good today and is napping now but I won't let her sleep too long> I started reading a new "get your baby to sleep thru the night" book. This one is so opposite of anything else I have read. It suggests allowing your kids to sleep in bed w/ you until they wean themself into their own bed. And it suggests allowing breastfeeding to continue until the child weans themself whether that is at 6 mo. or 3 yrs. Eek. Sounds scary but I am open to openminded suggestions. Jarrod and I are going to Virginia a week from today. I am excited to visit his brother and sister in law (Freddy and Kristina) and our nephews who we have seen so rarely. I am not looking forward to the plane ride w/ Mahna and all her baby shtuff, but hopefully my prayers for quietness and patience will be answered. At the hospital everyone oohed and aaaahed over her and it is so cute cuz she is now interactive and really puts on a show for those who google over her and sometimes even people who pretend to not see her! haha. Please keep my mom in your prayers as she will be recovering for about 6 weeks from this painful surgery.............. xoxo
p.s The next question on the list is "WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WOULD YOU BE?" Hmmmm I guess I would want to be a........................ Hippo! Then everyone would say look how huge that hippo is, but it's ok cuz I am supposed to be huge. I am a hippo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) How about you? Got any more intriguing and creative answers than me?

well whatdoya know

I would have thought "what makes you angry" would have gotten a lot of comments on that last post! Maybe no one is reading??? Oh well. I will type for myself and for anyone who may come upon a rainy day and decide to read all my back issues. Haha.

Todays question is "What is the best time for me?"

There are so many Best times for me.... I would say one is the time that I get to spend with my mom and grandma. I am so lucky to have good mentors like them. Too lucky to really put into words.

I like the time when I get to stay up all night with Jarrod talking or watching movies. That is what we did at the very beginning of our relationship and it is fun when we rarely get to do it now, because it reminds me we are still the same although so much has changed...

I really enjoy the times when I get myself up early in the morning. Like 6 or 7 a.m. and get a good workout, get the dishes done and take a shower, then am ready for the day when Mahna wakes up. That is a good day, especially the exercise part because it is such a good waker upper and antidepressant for me.

YOUR TURN>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> COMMENT PLEASE

I want the BEST of both worlds.....

That song is in my head. ANywaYz here is question 3. I realize some questions are boring but I want to try to do all of them cuz what the heck! :)

I get angry when........

I see a father hitting his child on tv. (or in person, but that is super rare) When I see a mother angrily jerking her child around. When I see someone verbally abusing a chubby kid. The hurt on all these kids faces makes me see red. I want to jump through the television when I see disciplining out of anger or straight up physical abuse. That is what ANGERS me.

So what is yours?

question two

If I were a color I would be......

Blue. Then I could be whatever my mood lead me to be. Sad.....beautiful.....mysterious......cold....snuggly. I could be navy blue and serious. Pastel blue and needing to be protected. Blueish black makes you take a second look. No matter what when it's blue you can't ignore it.

If you were a color what would you be?

100 journal/essay/story topics

I found a thing from 1981 The ILLINOIS WRITING PROJECT. Here is question ONE and I will answer it and then hope for your answer (or email).

If I were a famous person I would be...

Angelina Jolie because she is super beautiful and naturally skinny (I am shallow) and she is also doing something good with her money and fame for another country. I think she is a great real life mom role model for other women in Hollywood.

So who would you be if you were a famous person?

yipppppppppeeeeeeee

Jana had her baby today! A lil gurl named BROOKLYN who weighed 6 lb 12 oz and was 19 in. long. I realllllly want to go out there this weekend (she lives in San antonio) and see them. I am so excited she got to have another baby. Jana congratulations!!!!!!!!

as for Mahna she had a fun day with her gramma dar and her g.g. (great grandma) while I cleaned a house. Yes, that's right, I cleaned a house. It was fun, too. The house was very dirty and I enjoyed cleaning the hell out of it. Haha. It was nice to accomplish something without interruptions from my babycakes. I tried to relax and enjoy the peaceful thinking time away from her and not just purely miss her adorable little chubby face.

Then I got to go get a suprise manicure. It was cool even though the nail chick was sort of cranky. My nails look super pretty now so that just added happiness to my day.

Mostly I am thankful my friend had a successful C-Section today and that her baby is here and healthy.

NIGHT!

mahna mahna mahna

Well my poor little poopkins had to have her four month shots yesterday! It was worse than the two month ones. It was a heartbreaking look that crossed her face when they poked her with four different needles. I couldn't help but think of people who do horrible things to babies. I kept telling her this is for her own good etc etc parent like things to say, but the ultimate look on her face was how could you do this to me? Anyway she is otherwise doing fine and dandy. The DR said "I can't find a thing wrong with her!" so that makes me happy. She now weighs 12 lb. 12 oz. and is 23 1/2 inches long for those of you who enjoy such tidbits. My friend is having a baby VERRRRRRRRRY soon and I can't wait and I am so happy to have a friend having a kiddo around the same time as I did. It is fun to have someone to talk to about the same silly mommy things I am into right now, because everyone knows that people who don't have kids or whose kids are much older just do not care about diapers and spit up and these such things! :) In case Kendra is reading, I must say that I do wish you would/could have a baby right now, too. That would just be too fuN! WEll she is waking up now so I better go. Shots make babies CRANKY!

rain

It sure is a raiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny day. It looks like early evening but it is 9:30 a.m. Why am I awake already? Haha. It is coming down hard again. I have my front window open. One of my favorite things about this cute lil house we live in is this big window in the living room. It is not a great view or anything but I sit at my coffee table with this laptop and can watch the rain while I type. No clutter of my desk around me. I really gotta tackle that desk. Maybe during one of Mahna's fifteen minute naps. I say that almost sarcastically as she really does only take a couple 15 min naps and then maybe one for an hour but usually will sleep longer if I lay next to her. This means I am not keeping up with my dishes and housecleaning etc etc as much as I would like to be. I am reading Marla Cilley "Sink Reflections" which is about babysteps to a clean and perpetually organized house. It also has a moving guide which I am going to adjust to my own needs to clean out the "game room" in the next few months, maybe just a few minutes a day. Casey gets out of jail in April, and if he got out today he would have nothing but a couch to live on. So I have to get all our clutter out of that game room and I am quite a pack rat. I have a horribly hard time throwing anything away. So There is boxes of junk that we don't use but once I start going through them I think of one reason or another to keep stuff. When Jarrod and I got married I almost filled a one bedroom apt. with MY stuff, while he moved in his two litte totes. We are also planning to buy a house next year maybe around August, so I am trying to psyche myself up for getting new things for the house by getting rid of old shtuff. Of course one of my dillemas is What if someone I know could have USED this and I am just donating it to CCA???? And even off that note I don't know if I will donate to CCA or to a smaller thrift store, so that CCA doesn't become even more of a walmart in the thrift store world.
Mahna rolled over the 30th of Dec. That was one day before she turned 4 months. Now I have only seen her do it maybe two more times in the last 4 days, but she definately figured it out. SHe is figuring lots of things out, like one certain kind of screeeeeeeeeeeeeech sound that makes me come get her from her swing or bed when she gets bored. She is making that sound now, so I will just be happy with what I managed to type up today. ADIOS! (happy new year!)

new record?

Okay 16 days since the last blog. Dangggggg. I do check my mail once or twice a day, but it is usually in a five minute increment when I can set Mahna down and I think, what could I possibly write in my blog in just a minute? Or I am holding her on my lap which means I can read mail or blogs but not exactly type or if I do, one handed typing takes forever! Anyway, I am becoming some what of a night owl these days. My free time begins when she goes to sleep around 10:30 or 11:30 at night and i just want to stay up and hang out and maybe have a beer or read or do whatever. Unfortunately everyone else has to go to bed cuz they have jobs which require them to get up at a certain hour. I am lucky in that, even if Mahna wakes me up every two hours, I can stay in bed until 11 a.m. if I want to. This verrrry rarely happens, but it is nice to know I have the freedom if I want to take advantage of it. It makes it not a big deal for me to stay up until the wee hours of the morn, for I know I will get sleep one way or another.
Mahna is just a delight and I feel so lucky to have a baby. I just enjoy having her with me. If I go to the store, if I walk into the laundry room of my house, if I go to my mom's or my grandma's house..... She is my little buddy. I am her protector and I love her so much. Corny? Yea, well it is amazing these things I feel. What did I do before this? Yea, that probably sounds corny too.
I sure do love this time of year. I get to be with my family, including Kendra, for several days in a row. I am okay with not really ever hanging out with any friends. I just really see Jarrod at night for a few hours and see my family a lot. My friends are on email or phone and that is all good. I know three people who are having baby girls in the next few months. One of them is due next month and I can't wait to see her new one, as she is a really special person to me, so of course her kids will be too. And not to mention that now that I have REALLY been exposed to the beauty and amazement of "baby", I am truly addicted and will be awed and in love with almost any baby i see from now on.
I have a new favorite show. Law and Order:SVU. It is mostly about rapes and other heinous sex crimes and them being brought to justice. Sounds out there and sick and that is what I thought when I first heard of it but it is intriguing. Anyway it doesn't matter what I like on TV but there have been two statements on this show tonight that made a lot of sense. The first was that devastating things happen all the time, each day that goes by we are NEVER the same again, and sometimes things are more devastating than other days.
The second was this woman didn't understand why she had been raped, because she thought that since her mother had died a very slow painful death and she had gone through it with her that was the only hard thing she would have to endure in life. It seemed unfair to her that she had then been raped and gone through something even harder... This got me thinking of my own situations in life. I thought placing Gold for adoption was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I had suicidal moments after that period in my life of being pregnant with him and leaving Kansas City after his birth, because I thought "my mission in life is done". I was put on this earth to have a baby for my aunt and uncle. I got to have wild fun as a teenager and that was the end result which benefited them. I assumed to know what God had planned for me and my life. Then as time went by I realized my place in Jarrod's life and his ultimate placement in my heart and being a beam in my back. I realized my family and how amazing they are and how much I totally love them and that there are hard things but you move on past them and everyone grows and adjusts in their own way. I am not the ONLY one in my family to have difficult things. Every single person on EARTH has hard things. I am not "special" in that way. And now I see that there is more in life. Quitting drugs several years ago helped me see the world as a larger place and that there is an abundance of possibility. I have had some really difficult times since Gold was born, in other aspects of life. Hard, hard things have been thrown my way which seemed unfair but fighting through them seems worth it in the end. I wonder if someday I will feel freely to talk about those things as I can talk freely about Gold now? Why is it so hard to talk about what is REALLY hard right now in my life? I don't know. Recently well after I had Mahna I had some really bad days of depression which I associate with post partum blues. But could I just get on my blog and pour my heart out to whomever might read and say I am so depressed that I want to run into a pole with my car? I feel useless and invisible and have nothing but self hatred in my heart and mind. I could NOT say that. I felt weak and was afraid to be judged or that someone would say I am an ungrateful person or try to lock me up as a looney suicidal when I just really needed to TALK and make sense of the things in my mind which did make me feel abnormal. It was confusing to feel so sad yet so so so elated by my beautiful miracle of a daughter who is nothing but joy and wonder. I am so thankful for her and I am thankful now that my mind is going back to "normal" and that I don't have sad angry thoughts closing in on my every thought. I truly empathise with those who have consistant depression on a daily basis and their fight against the waves crashing in. THAT is a strong person who can handle that for years.
Well I suppose that is enough of a rant for now. I am sure I have taken up too much of your time already and I do need to go to sleep now that Jarrod has been in bed a couple hours and Mahna is asleep and I am done wrapping all but ONE present and I am tired=======
So goodnight and thanks for reading. Leave me a happy face comment or something so I know you are a true loyal God send of a person in my life to have read my rant and still checked back on my blog after so much time.
Adios..... more soon, I promise! :)

hold me now......... warm my heart...... stay with me...

I am over the initial shock of giving up work life and money. Well maybe not totally over the money but I have had a marvelous weekend with Mahna. Her pediatrician advised me to quit drinking milk, eating cheese and eggs to see if that might help her not be so cranky. So i have given up my favorite food CHEESE! But I can tell a difference in her after just two days. She is breathing better and her face is not so flaky anymore. Last night I held her while she slept for about 2 hours and again tonight for about an hour before putting her in her bed. I also held her during her nap today and I am probably spoiling her but I just enjoy it so much and so does she. I considered going to church today and it seemed like too much trouble. I hate to say that because I really enjoy hearing what the preacher has to say and getting my thoughts going. But I am not ready to leave Mahna in the hands of strangers or taking her to church with me makes it hard to concentrate. Blah blah blah. I talked to my sistah on the phone today which was cool since we so rarely do talk on the phone. She is such a cool person I really admire her. I also like it that she always asks me if I am "writing" but doesn't get frustrated when I always seem to answer "no". :) I know how important it is to write and my main excuse for not doing it is that someone might read the insanity and confusion I would put onto paper and know what I am really like inside.

jitter

I quit my housecleaning business today. Mahna is so cranky and irregular with her naptimes these days I can't take her with me anymore. A four hour cleaning can take up to six... I just get too frustrated and feel like I am not doing as well of a job as I am getting paid for. The alternative to quitting was to ask my mom to babysit three times a week. Jarrod and I talked about it and really didn't want her to be more of a babysitter than a grandma. I also don't want the time to fly by while Mahna is a baby. If I have the chance to be with her all the time, I should sieze the opportunity. I feel nervous and anxious about quitting. I feel like I lost control of something but I think it is just temporary. I am just nervous about life and changes. I want to be a good mother, wife and all around person. I dunno. I feel depressed cuz I feel out of control. It will pass... That is my update. Mahna is an angel. Fun and adorable. Pure joy in my world. She smiles, laughs and likes to play. It is cool and each new cool thing she does I think wow I can't believe things will keep getting cooler than this!!

howdy

yea its been 4 ever i know......& i am typing onehanded right now for this reason.......i have the privalege of a child who wants mucho time & attention. she is a cutie... she has started batting at toys w/ her hands and making lots of talky noises. she is getting bigger and you can see the features of her face more. i take her to clean 2 of the 3 houses I clean with me. my mom watches her on weds when I clean for evelyn. Tomorrow is evelyns 84th bday and i am cleaning early for her this week cuz of thanksgiving. This week on weds Lynne Kelly and GOLD are coming to visit! I can't believe it and i am so nervous and totally excited. I can't wait to see all of them, as it has been 16 months since I have seen them! Our neighbor gave us their old chimenea last week and it was cracked and we accidently broke it but now it is a cool fire pit so we have fires on our porch every night. people come and go here and there and I usually can't enjoy it much but sometimes when its not too chilly mahna goes out w/ me. well she is needing to go to bed so i better go! thanks for reading after so long of not posting!

SARAH!!!!!!!

Sarah if u read this tell me your blog addy cuz I do not know it! ALso what is your email cuz I want to send u pics of Mahna!

Okay am I being horrid about this bloggaroonie or what! Jeez its been way over a week. Well lets see so I told you Franky got out of jail> I told you my cuzin Adam came to visit. hmmm Oh I stayed the night at my parents 2 saturdays ago. It was wierd but fun cuz me and Anna stayed up til 3 or 4 in the morning watching "saved" and "white oleander". Both cool movies. Then last week I started thinking I might quit cleaning Evelyn's house. I am sort of tired of driving all the way out there and because of gas prices and having to leave Mahna w/ my mom it is starting to not be worth the money. who knows what I will do tho. Halloween was fun. I dressed Mahna as a punkin and I was the punkin fairy. I loked like a butterfly really but oh well. We trik or treated down my parents house and got some candy. Anna and i went and saw "SAW" that day too and that movie is pretty freaky. I was thinking today about good things to say to a new mommy. These are compliments people have given me that meant something to me.

"your swelling has really gone down, you look thinner everytime I see you"

"you can really tell that you spend a lot of time with your baby, she is so happy"

"a calm mommy makes for a calm baby"

"what a lucky baby to be getting the good stuff (breastmilk)!"

Man there was more but I totally forgot cuz I didn't write them down. Oh well. Have a good day!!!!

no phone no phone

I have been getting calls that I have not returned. I don;t mean to be like that I just stay so bizy. Sorry if u have called me and I haven't got back to u yet. My cuzin is in town and we went shopping w/ his wife and two kiddos today. It was fun. It is hard to take Mahna shopping. I had to feed her in the bathroom a couple times. She needed attention pretty much the whole time we were there so I didn't get to look at much. It was still fun tho. Franky got out of jail today. I dont know why but my parents were on their way to pick him up tonight. We thought he wouldn't get out until his court date over a week away. My mom is sick. I hope she doesn't have the flu but I think she does... I cleaned Evelyn's yesterday. It was good to see her. My mom babysat Mahna and I got the cleaning done super fast. I was very hesitant to leave her but then it was sort of okay to be away for a couple hours. I don't want to turn into a complete psycho about not ever being separated from her. Well sorry so boring lately not much interesting to say I guess.

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rat a tat tat

I started cleaning houses again this week. The first was Thursday and went pretty well. It took 5 hours instead of 4 because of feeding Mahna, but overall she was pretty good. There is a big flight of stairs at this house which wore me out after a while, but it felt good to be doing some form of exercise. At night tho my c section incision started hurting and I could feel something poking out under the skin so I started freaking out thinking I had hurt myself by going back to cleaning too soon. Well Friday I had a house that was only supposed to take 3 hr but it took four because of feeding Mahna and she was a little crankier. This one really wore me out cuz there are so many floors to mop in it. I was really sore by the time I left there. I called the DR to see if I should be worried and the nurse said that the pokey thing I felt under my skin was the sutures holding my insides together and not to worry it would dissolve ina couple weeks. She also said that if my incision hurts I should slow down, I am doing too much. So okay, I will slow down Saturday thru Weds. when I have another house to clean. No problem. I really like having Mahna with my while I clean a house. I can't really stand to be away from her, it makes me miss her so much. I do have moments though where I am annoyed because I am all into cleaning and I have to stop and go sit and feed her or just hold her for a minute. I try to keep my annoyance in check because I know she will only be a baby such a short while and I will miss her smallness and dependence on me....... Ugh it makes me sad to think of her growing up already!

Well Franky is doing fine in jail. He has a private ]cell so I am glad he can't get beat up. He has court Nov 1st so that is not too too long and he will probably get a year probation. I have only known one person who went on probation and passed it without going back to jail. That is my husband. Everyone else I know has screwed it up. I hope Franky will do good tho.

I kicked one of Jarrod's friends out of our house last night. He is such an idiot. He is literally the stupidest most pitiful person I have ever met. I know that sounds totally cruel and all I can say is you have to meet the guy. He hits his wife occassionally.... that usually makes people not like him right off. The thing is he comes over and he can be decent and tolerable but once in a while he wants to drink a whole bottle of whiskey and that is retarted in itself. I don't know why but he is just a person who can't have a casual beer and play cards or watch sports or just hang out. It is either get fall down literally brain dead drunk or nothing. Jarrod can't stand it either but he likes the sober part of his friend, so he lets him keep coming back. Plus they have been friends since 5th grade. I just think he is selfish and arrogant. Well last night he went to the bathroom and grabbed the towel rack to hold himself up and feel down and broke it and peed on the floor. This is so freaking pitiful am I not right? Maybe a few years ago I would think it was funny but not now. Then Jarrod was in the process of taking him out to his car (so his wife could drive him home) and he knocks over my shelf on the wall with my willow tree figurine with a mom, dad and baby off the wall. It didn't break but an ornament did. I was just too fed up and pissed off so I got off the couch and screamed some profanities at him and told him to get out. Nice huh> here is the real caroline cussing and freaking out. Well I didn't care I just wanted him to leave and he did. Enough drama for ya?

Today Kendra is here so I am gonna get a shower and go over to my parents for the day. I think we are going to do crafty stuff like scrapbooking, cardmaking, journaling and quilting. I am looking forward to it but I will miss being with Jarrod like I am used to on Saturdays. I am glad Kendra is here tho. I have been looking forward to it all week. Tonight we are probably goign to go visit Franky in jail and then go to my grandma's for dinner. She lives right around the corner from the jail.

I am feeling better by the way. I am short on sleep but that is nothing new. Sinuses are getting better and I still sound like pee wee herman but I don't feel so crappy anymore. Yippee! Thanks for asking, sarah! By the way email me the link to your blog cuz I don't know it anymore!!!!!! Love ya all! Caroline

physically sick and heart sick

I am physically sick because of someone being careless while they were sick. It just makes me even more aware of washing my hands and trying not to spread germs. I am praying for this sickness to leave quickly because on top of having no sleep, having to take sinus medicine is insanity. I want sleep and I want to be able to breathe.

I am heart sick because my brother turned himself in Saturday and is in Denton County jail now. You can see his mugshot thru the "look up your fave criminal" on my side menu. I am just heartbroken seeing his face as a mugshot. He is my little brother, my little sweetie whose face I kissed a million times. Who was our playmate...... Ugh. I am so sad. Sad for his hurt and loneliness and regrets and anger. Sad for not being able to rescue not just him but everyone I love and wish to make everything good for.