new record?

Okay 16 days since the last blog. Dangggggg. I do check my mail once or twice a day, but it is usually in a five minute increment when I can set Mahna down and I think, what could I possibly write in my blog in just a minute? Or I am holding her on my lap which means I can read mail or blogs but not exactly type or if I do, one handed typing takes forever! Anyway, I am becoming some what of a night owl these days. My free time begins when she goes to sleep around 10:30 or 11:30 at night and i just want to stay up and hang out and maybe have a beer or read or do whatever. Unfortunately everyone else has to go to bed cuz they have jobs which require them to get up at a certain hour. I am lucky in that, even if Mahna wakes me up every two hours, I can stay in bed until 11 a.m. if I want to. This verrrry rarely happens, but it is nice to know I have the freedom if I want to take advantage of it. It makes it not a big deal for me to stay up until the wee hours of the morn, for I know I will get sleep one way or another.
Mahna is just a delight and I feel so lucky to have a baby. I just enjoy having her with me. If I go to the store, if I walk into the laundry room of my house, if I go to my mom's or my grandma's house..... She is my little buddy. I am her protector and I love her so much. Corny? Yea, well it is amazing these things I feel. What did I do before this? Yea, that probably sounds corny too.
I sure do love this time of year. I get to be with my family, including Kendra, for several days in a row. I am okay with not really ever hanging out with any friends. I just really see Jarrod at night for a few hours and see my family a lot. My friends are on email or phone and that is all good. I know three people who are having baby girls in the next few months. One of them is due next month and I can't wait to see her new one, as she is a really special person to me, so of course her kids will be too. And not to mention that now that I have REALLY been exposed to the beauty and amazement of "baby", I am truly addicted and will be awed and in love with almost any baby i see from now on.
I have a new favorite show. Law and Order:SVU. It is mostly about rapes and other heinous sex crimes and them being brought to justice. Sounds out there and sick and that is what I thought when I first heard of it but it is intriguing. Anyway it doesn't matter what I like on TV but there have been two statements on this show tonight that made a lot of sense. The first was that devastating things happen all the time, each day that goes by we are NEVER the same again, and sometimes things are more devastating than other days.
The second was this woman didn't understand why she had been raped, because she thought that since her mother had died a very slow painful death and she had gone through it with her that was the only hard thing she would have to endure in life. It seemed unfair to her that she had then been raped and gone through something even harder... This got me thinking of my own situations in life. I thought placing Gold for adoption was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I had suicidal moments after that period in my life of being pregnant with him and leaving Kansas City after his birth, because I thought "my mission in life is done". I was put on this earth to have a baby for my aunt and uncle. I got to have wild fun as a teenager and that was the end result which benefited them. I assumed to know what God had planned for me and my life. Then as time went by I realized my place in Jarrod's life and his ultimate placement in my heart and being a beam in my back. I realized my family and how amazing they are and how much I totally love them and that there are hard things but you move on past them and everyone grows and adjusts in their own way. I am not the ONLY one in my family to have difficult things. Every single person on EARTH has hard things. I am not "special" in that way. And now I see that there is more in life. Quitting drugs several years ago helped me see the world as a larger place and that there is an abundance of possibility. I have had some really difficult times since Gold was born, in other aspects of life. Hard, hard things have been thrown my way which seemed unfair but fighting through them seems worth it in the end. I wonder if someday I will feel freely to talk about those things as I can talk freely about Gold now? Why is it so hard to talk about what is REALLY hard right now in my life? I don't know. Recently well after I had Mahna I had some really bad days of depression which I associate with post partum blues. But could I just get on my blog and pour my heart out to whomever might read and say I am so depressed that I want to run into a pole with my car? I feel useless and invisible and have nothing but self hatred in my heart and mind. I could NOT say that. I felt weak and was afraid to be judged or that someone would say I am an ungrateful person or try to lock me up as a looney suicidal when I just really needed to TALK and make sense of the things in my mind which did make me feel abnormal. It was confusing to feel so sad yet so so so elated by my beautiful miracle of a daughter who is nothing but joy and wonder. I am so thankful for her and I am thankful now that my mind is going back to "normal" and that I don't have sad angry thoughts closing in on my every thought. I truly empathise with those who have consistant depression on a daily basis and their fight against the waves crashing in. THAT is a strong person who can handle that for years.
Well I suppose that is enough of a rant for now. I am sure I have taken up too much of your time already and I do need to go to sleep now that Jarrod has been in bed a couple hours and Mahna is asleep and I am done wrapping all but ONE present and I am tired=======
So goodnight and thanks for reading. Leave me a happy face comment or something so I know you are a true loyal God send of a person in my life to have read my rant and still checked back on my blog after so much time.
Adios..... more soon, I promise! :)

hold me now......... warm my heart...... stay with me...

I am over the initial shock of giving up work life and money. Well maybe not totally over the money but I have had a marvelous weekend with Mahna. Her pediatrician advised me to quit drinking milk, eating cheese and eggs to see if that might help her not be so cranky. So i have given up my favorite food CHEESE! But I can tell a difference in her after just two days. She is breathing better and her face is not so flaky anymore. Last night I held her while she slept for about 2 hours and again tonight for about an hour before putting her in her bed. I also held her during her nap today and I am probably spoiling her but I just enjoy it so much and so does she. I considered going to church today and it seemed like too much trouble. I hate to say that because I really enjoy hearing what the preacher has to say and getting my thoughts going. But I am not ready to leave Mahna in the hands of strangers or taking her to church with me makes it hard to concentrate. Blah blah blah. I talked to my sistah on the phone today which was cool since we so rarely do talk on the phone. She is such a cool person I really admire her. I also like it that she always asks me if I am "writing" but doesn't get frustrated when I always seem to answer "no". :) I know how important it is to write and my main excuse for not doing it is that someone might read the insanity and confusion I would put onto paper and know what I am really like inside.

jitter

I quit my housecleaning business today. Mahna is so cranky and irregular with her naptimes these days I can't take her with me anymore. A four hour cleaning can take up to six... I just get too frustrated and feel like I am not doing as well of a job as I am getting paid for. The alternative to quitting was to ask my mom to babysit three times a week. Jarrod and I talked about it and really didn't want her to be more of a babysitter than a grandma. I also don't want the time to fly by while Mahna is a baby. If I have the chance to be with her all the time, I should sieze the opportunity. I feel nervous and anxious about quitting. I feel like I lost control of something but I think it is just temporary. I am just nervous about life and changes. I want to be a good mother, wife and all around person. I dunno. I feel depressed cuz I feel out of control. It will pass... That is my update. Mahna is an angel. Fun and adorable. Pure joy in my world. She smiles, laughs and likes to play. It is cool and each new cool thing she does I think wow I can't believe things will keep getting cooler than this!!

howdy

yea its been 4 ever i know......& i am typing onehanded right now for this reason.......i have the privalege of a child who wants mucho time & attention. she is a cutie... she has started batting at toys w/ her hands and making lots of talky noises. she is getting bigger and you can see the features of her face more. i take her to clean 2 of the 3 houses I clean with me. my mom watches her on weds when I clean for evelyn. Tomorrow is evelyns 84th bday and i am cleaning early for her this week cuz of thanksgiving. This week on weds Lynne Kelly and GOLD are coming to visit! I can't believe it and i am so nervous and totally excited. I can't wait to see all of them, as it has been 16 months since I have seen them! Our neighbor gave us their old chimenea last week and it was cracked and we accidently broke it but now it is a cool fire pit so we have fires on our porch every night. people come and go here and there and I usually can't enjoy it much but sometimes when its not too chilly mahna goes out w/ me. well she is needing to go to bed so i better go! thanks for reading after so long of not posting!

SARAH!!!!!!!

Sarah if u read this tell me your blog addy cuz I do not know it! ALso what is your email cuz I want to send u pics of Mahna!

Okay am I being horrid about this bloggaroonie or what! Jeez its been way over a week. Well lets see so I told you Franky got out of jail> I told you my cuzin Adam came to visit. hmmm Oh I stayed the night at my parents 2 saturdays ago. It was wierd but fun cuz me and Anna stayed up til 3 or 4 in the morning watching "saved" and "white oleander". Both cool movies. Then last week I started thinking I might quit cleaning Evelyn's house. I am sort of tired of driving all the way out there and because of gas prices and having to leave Mahna w/ my mom it is starting to not be worth the money. who knows what I will do tho. Halloween was fun. I dressed Mahna as a punkin and I was the punkin fairy. I loked like a butterfly really but oh well. We trik or treated down my parents house and got some candy. Anna and i went and saw "SAW" that day too and that movie is pretty freaky. I was thinking today about good things to say to a new mommy. These are compliments people have given me that meant something to me.

"your swelling has really gone down, you look thinner everytime I see you"

"you can really tell that you spend a lot of time with your baby, she is so happy"

"a calm mommy makes for a calm baby"

"what a lucky baby to be getting the good stuff (breastmilk)!"

Man there was more but I totally forgot cuz I didn't write them down. Oh well. Have a good day!!!!

no phone no phone

I have been getting calls that I have not returned. I don;t mean to be like that I just stay so bizy. Sorry if u have called me and I haven't got back to u yet. My cuzin is in town and we went shopping w/ his wife and two kiddos today. It was fun. It is hard to take Mahna shopping. I had to feed her in the bathroom a couple times. She needed attention pretty much the whole time we were there so I didn't get to look at much. It was still fun tho. Franky got out of jail today. I dont know why but my parents were on their way to pick him up tonight. We thought he wouldn't get out until his court date over a week away. My mom is sick. I hope she doesn't have the flu but I think she does... I cleaned Evelyn's yesterday. It was good to see her. My mom babysat Mahna and I got the cleaning done super fast. I was very hesitant to leave her but then it was sort of okay to be away for a couple hours. I don't want to turn into a complete psycho about not ever being separated from her. Well sorry so boring lately not much interesting to say I guess.

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rat a tat tat

I started cleaning houses again this week. The first was Thursday and went pretty well. It took 5 hours instead of 4 because of feeding Mahna, but overall she was pretty good. There is a big flight of stairs at this house which wore me out after a while, but it felt good to be doing some form of exercise. At night tho my c section incision started hurting and I could feel something poking out under the skin so I started freaking out thinking I had hurt myself by going back to cleaning too soon. Well Friday I had a house that was only supposed to take 3 hr but it took four because of feeding Mahna and she was a little crankier. This one really wore me out cuz there are so many floors to mop in it. I was really sore by the time I left there. I called the DR to see if I should be worried and the nurse said that the pokey thing I felt under my skin was the sutures holding my insides together and not to worry it would dissolve ina couple weeks. She also said that if my incision hurts I should slow down, I am doing too much. So okay, I will slow down Saturday thru Weds. when I have another house to clean. No problem. I really like having Mahna with my while I clean a house. I can't really stand to be away from her, it makes me miss her so much. I do have moments though where I am annoyed because I am all into cleaning and I have to stop and go sit and feed her or just hold her for a minute. I try to keep my annoyance in check because I know she will only be a baby such a short while and I will miss her smallness and dependence on me....... Ugh it makes me sad to think of her growing up already!

Well Franky is doing fine in jail. He has a private ]cell so I am glad he can't get beat up. He has court Nov 1st so that is not too too long and he will probably get a year probation. I have only known one person who went on probation and passed it without going back to jail. That is my husband. Everyone else I know has screwed it up. I hope Franky will do good tho.

I kicked one of Jarrod's friends out of our house last night. He is such an idiot. He is literally the stupidest most pitiful person I have ever met. I know that sounds totally cruel and all I can say is you have to meet the guy. He hits his wife occassionally.... that usually makes people not like him right off. The thing is he comes over and he can be decent and tolerable but once in a while he wants to drink a whole bottle of whiskey and that is retarted in itself. I don't know why but he is just a person who can't have a casual beer and play cards or watch sports or just hang out. It is either get fall down literally brain dead drunk or nothing. Jarrod can't stand it either but he likes the sober part of his friend, so he lets him keep coming back. Plus they have been friends since 5th grade. I just think he is selfish and arrogant. Well last night he went to the bathroom and grabbed the towel rack to hold himself up and feel down and broke it and peed on the floor. This is so freaking pitiful am I not right? Maybe a few years ago I would think it was funny but not now. Then Jarrod was in the process of taking him out to his car (so his wife could drive him home) and he knocks over my shelf on the wall with my willow tree figurine with a mom, dad and baby off the wall. It didn't break but an ornament did. I was just too fed up and pissed off so I got off the couch and screamed some profanities at him and told him to get out. Nice huh> here is the real caroline cussing and freaking out. Well I didn't care I just wanted him to leave and he did. Enough drama for ya?

Today Kendra is here so I am gonna get a shower and go over to my parents for the day. I think we are going to do crafty stuff like scrapbooking, cardmaking, journaling and quilting. I am looking forward to it but I will miss being with Jarrod like I am used to on Saturdays. I am glad Kendra is here tho. I have been looking forward to it all week. Tonight we are probably goign to go visit Franky in jail and then go to my grandma's for dinner. She lives right around the corner from the jail.

I am feeling better by the way. I am short on sleep but that is nothing new. Sinuses are getting better and I still sound like pee wee herman but I don't feel so crappy anymore. Yippee! Thanks for asking, sarah! By the way email me the link to your blog cuz I don't know it anymore!!!!!! Love ya all! Caroline

physically sick and heart sick

I am physically sick because of someone being careless while they were sick. It just makes me even more aware of washing my hands and trying not to spread germs. I am praying for this sickness to leave quickly because on top of having no sleep, having to take sinus medicine is insanity. I want sleep and I want to be able to breathe.

I am heart sick because my brother turned himself in Saturday and is in Denton County jail now. You can see his mugshot thru the "look up your fave criminal" on my side menu. I am just heartbroken seeing his face as a mugshot. He is my little brother, my little sweetie whose face I kissed a million times. Who was our playmate...... Ugh. I am so sad. Sad for his hurt and loneliness and regrets and anger. Sad for not being able to rescue not just him but everyone I love and wish to make everything good for.

debate debate debateq

We just got done watching the debate. It seemed like a lot of the same stuff from the first debate. I enjoy watching it and actually do not get "bored" during the debates but sometimes do sort of zone out during the answers. I did not get to see the second debate but from the first one to this one I found it sort of amusing how they weren't so friendly to eachother as they were at the first one. It was actually more of a "debate" to me, this time.

Today I experienced truly what some stay at home moms must get so frustrated about. First I took Mahna to the DR at 10 a.m. only to wait for an hour to see the DR for 5 minutes. I drove through town with Mahna crying loudly in the back seat, where I could not reach her or calm her. Then I waited at the pharmacy for almost another hour and then left with no medicine because of a mistake with the insurance. Then I spent 90 minutes straight on the phone trying to straighten the situation out, besides changing diapers and feeding and fighting off a wasp in the baby room and cleaning up cat barf. Meanwhile I am dead tired from getting a total of 5 hours of sleep and therefor very cranky. I also have a big stack of dishes and a lot of laundry which I hoped to get done but by the time Jarrod got home I felt like I had not only accomplished nothing today, butwasn't even able to get the medicine for Mahna. It was not DIRE to get it, but still. Just a little frustrating.

On a different note, I had a great birthday. I got so many cool gifts. I was surrounded by my family all day and that was really great. We went to the Hibachi grill and Anna and I ate lots o' sushi, even raw quail eggs. haha. It was coolio. Good day that I didn't want to end. Oh and the coolest part was in the morning when I was laying in bed with Mahna and for a couple hours we just dozed in and out and made faces at eachother. She made my birthday special. My mommy also went to great legnths to make my birthday special by getting me an ice cream cake, balloons and taking me to do stuff all day.

Sorry so scattered, I am sleeeeeeeeeeeepy.
Tomorrow is margarita party day for the OU vs TX game! WOo hoo

Too Early For Water

I don't know about you but I can't drink water too early in the morning, after I awaken. For some reason the one thing that has no real taste or ingredients just tastes gross in the morning. Even after I have brushed my teeth haha. Today I am worried about Jarrod driving in the rain. His tires are bald and I know he will be sliding around on the highway as long as the roads are wet. I wish this rain would let up. I don't want to be losin' my baby daddy. This weekend we went to the FAIR and it was FUN. We ate yummy fair food and saw lots of hoochie mama african americans. It just happened to be the day there were two african american colleges playing at the cotton bowl, so we were the minority. It also took us 1 hr 45 min just to get INTO the fair b/c of traffic. honest, it really was fun tho. Stormy, Lonnie and Cory went with us, my parents watched Mahna, and she did just fine taking a bottle and being a little shweetie. Lucky them, cuz she was cranky head all morning for me. Well next week I am reassuming my role as a professional housekeeper. It has been a lovely break, but I do have the earthly desire for money and the security of it flowing in, not to mention the self worth of helping pay the bills. I do so enjoy being with my babycakes 24 hours a day, though, so I hope to work that with my work. Today I will attempt cleaning my own house to physically prepare myself for returning to my real world. I really wish this rain would quit though. GRRRRRRRRRRR. Tuesday is my burfday. I will be 25~! If I hadn't just had a kiddo and been quite distracted I would plan myself a party to have adult beverages with all the people I enjoy being around. Unfortunately my bday is tomorrow and I haven't planned anything. Haha. Oh well. I will be just as happy having a glass of champagne with my huz. My mommy bought me a new pair of tennis shoes for my bday. I can't wait to get them. They are Ryka, which were on the Oprah show so u know they gotta be sumthin! Seriously they feel really good and I am looking forward to starting exercise again very soon so it is cool to have a brand new pair of shoes. My feet GREW while I was pregnant. I know this is a normal pregnancy thing, but it still trips me out haha. Allrighty well Mahna is sleeping so I better take a little cat nap myself. XOXO Happy Monday.

Olan Mills

Today I was planning to take Mahna to get her picture taken at Olan Mills. Through all the millions of coupons I got from the hospital, there was a package of free pictures from Olan Mills. I figured since it was her one month bday today what a good thing to do. :) Well I lookd up Olan Mills.com and would you believe the closest one is 136 miles away in some town in Oklahoma!!!!!! crazy. Well I guess that gas money would not be worth the free pictures haha.

I can't believe it has been a month already. Now I am scared that time is going by too fast. I am such a spaz about that. I do spend lots of time holding her and playing with her, and since I am not working or goign to skewl right now it is all fun and games except for sleep deprivation, which isn't actually an everyday occurance, thank God.

I am looking forward to this weekend. It is sort of my "pre birthday" weekend. We are going to the state fair on Saturday. I love the Texas state fair. It is so fun to walk around checking out all the people, try to win prizes, and eat lots of yummy food. I probably won't do any RIDES this year, but that doesn't really bother me. I think for my actual birthday, next Tuesday, we are going to go to dinner at Jin Beh w/ my parents. That is a very cool and not too expensive hibachi grill. My mommy gets the privalege of babysitting Mahna this Saturday for the state fair and Jarrod's parents can watch her for my bday dinner.

Okay well she is awake and hungry so I better go! Thanks for reading!

6 days later

Okay, i have to get back in the blog saddle again! At least I made it less than a week. :) So did anyone see the news flash last night about the "danger of blogs and teens"? It was a good point they made. The news station was not knocking journals, just letting parents/ kids know that things written on the web can be permanent and u never know when someone might look up your blog 20 years down the road and hold your opinions and thoughts against you. I think the point they were trying to make was that if you became famous or a political or religious leader, you may not hold the same opinions as an adult as you did as a teen, so dont make them permanent on the internet.

Of course I have to give a little Mahna update. She has been sorda fussy lately so when she had her newborn well check today I asked the DR what to do to help her be happier and more comfortable. Apparently babies need a good balance of quiet alone time, and stimulation. So too much holding, passing around, TV, music, noises........ all day long lead to a tired grumpy nighttime baby. So right now I am letting her sit still in her room to get happy for her daddy who won't be home til 8 tonight, cuz he is out makin extra $$$. The DR also said that she is totally healthy and is growing wonderfully! That makes me very happy. I knew she looked chubbier but it is good to hear a DR say she is proud of me for how well I am doing with breastfeeding. Some people may not know how challenging breastfeeding can be at first. I am just glad to be past the first two weeks. I sure love our alone time together. It is a cool thing to know I am making food for her! So wierd!

Okay well that is all for today. Have a good one!

is it really FRIDAY already?

Man time does fly. I feel like I have lost track of days since Mahna has been born. In a way it's like oh she is only two weeks old, but in another way it seems like OH MY GOSH SHE IS ALREADY two weeks old. So anyway........ Yes I am obsessed w/ my babycakes and I don't think of much else besides her and Jarrod. I have been having off and on bouts of "postpartum depression". It is very confusing to feel very sad and have depressing thoughts going through my mind to the point of crying sometimes when I am the happiest woman on earth. It makes no sense at all and I hope it goes away very soon. It not only confuses me but people around me and especially Jarrod, so I am really wanting it to be GONE. It isn't constant, just occassional but DAILY and that sucks. Okay enough whining. As for Mahna Grace she is beautiful and getting more alert by the day, staying awake longer between meals. I think her eyes are getting more focused on things now as she has seemed to notice some of her toys and when she looks at me it seems like she is really looking at me. When we are home alone I enjoy holding her as much as possible. I know that when we go out places I will not hold her at all because everyone wants a piece of this lil bundle. Last night was my gma's bday and she had a housefull of kids, grandkids, great grandkids... she had so much fun. People brought TONS of food and it was yummmmmmmmmmmEEEEEEEEE. Anna didn't get to go cuz she has strep and couldn't be around babies or the other kids for that matter until this morning when her meds took full effect. I felt bad for her but she stayed at our house w/ Jarrod all night and ended up having a lot of fun, so it all worked out. Today is Tom's memorial service at 2:00. Kendra should be here at any time, so I am looking forward to going over to my parents house to hang out w/ my cuz, gma, auntie and sister until Jarrod picks Mahna and I up for the service. Well have a good day and take care! Happy weekend to everyone. CAROLINE

apples and oranges

I am eating an apple and orange for breakfast. I would have opted for the easier version of CEREAL but there's no milk in da fridge. A week from today I should be able to DRIVE again, yippee.

Yesterday my grandpa Tom passed away, on "grandparent's day". :( I am so sad that I can't talk to him anymore, but it has been a while since I could really talk to him anyway. He got to see Mahna, so that is cool. Cancer is so confusing. It is like once a person goes on Hospice, you know they will die, but then it is like well maybe any day now he will wake up and have another chance and I can talk to him again... I feel really sad for my grandma. That was probably her last "companion".....

I also met Franky's room mate, Kace, yesterday. He is the one who wrecked my video camera and doesn't have the $ to fix it. Grr. I am sort of over that, though. It was good to meet him cuz Franky has known him and semi lived w/ him for a little while. Franky insisted that he had to come outside and meet Mahna. Franky loves her so much, it is so cute.

I am looking forward to the few family members who are coming in from Kansas City this weekend. It will be cool to see my aunt and my cuzins and of course KENDRA. :)

Have a good Monday. Mahna and I will be going to the hospital for a PKU whatever that is, today. It is just 'routine' for a two wk old kiddo. I can't believe she will be 2 wks already. Time is flying too fast!

XOXO

Saturday

Well we made our first official family trip to Walmart today. And of course, Mahna screamed most of the time, so that was appropriate. It would have been a perfect walmart trip if we were also beating her going thru the store. haha. Sorry inside joke. Okay well anyway today was groovacious. Mahna let me sleep twice last night for four hours each time and that was great. Then an hour after I got up my parents came over and my dad showed us how to record off his video camera. Mahna was sweet and enjoyable as always. Then Jarrod and I went to Cero's Heroes in Grapevine and got a super tasty sub. We drove to the lake an dhad a little picnic then ended up walking around Walmart. That is where I grocery shop, so I go there often, but Jarrod never comes and today he did so that was cool. Then Jarrod's mom watched Mahna while we went to our friends bday party. It was fun to go out and to be able to drink a beer. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT mostly I just missed mahna the whole time and I didn' t know what to do with myself. It was a wierd feeling. I am so attached to my baby cakes. I am glad that Jarrod's mom got to spend some time w/ her tho. My mom was kind of bummed she didn' tget to bbsit but hopefully she won't hold it against me. :) Well then we came home and Jarrod was in a cleaning mood so we did some cleaning and that was coolio. So anyway I am dead tired now so more later. ADIOS

"when you're down, look at a clown"

Anyone know what movie that quote is from??? Popquiz!!!!!!

well I was thinking of writing a pity party blog because I have the blues going on today. But once long ago someone gave me the treasured advice to make a list of things I am thankful for if I start feeling sorry for myself. (I have also been given the advice to pray for other people when I feel bummed).

So here is my list:

I am thankful for me and Jarrod's baby. I am so thankful that I get to be a mommy, for I know not everyone gets to. I am thankful that my brother wanted to come hang out w/ me today and wants to spend the weekend w/ my family. I am thankful that we live in a house w/ cheap rent and that we might be able to get a house of our own in the next year or so. I am thankful that I had a successful and healthy pregnancy. I am VERY thankful that the pain of my C Section is finally starting to subside. I am thankful that Mahna is healthy and happy and oh so cute. I am thankful my cats have not given us a hard time or got in Mahna's face or anything freaky. I am thankful that both of my sisters fell in love w/ my daughter. I am thankful that things smoothed out w/ us and Jarrod's parents and I am actually sort of thankful that Jarrod did not get that job he was trying for. (is it ok to be sort of thankful?) I am thankful that my grandma made the effort to come spend the day w/ me yesterday despite her circumstances. I am thankful for my husband and his strong sense of family.

Okay well thanks for listening. I must say I feel better now! Glad I didn't mope it out on the blogger. XOXO
Caroline

And I Fear........

One of the bestest Sarah Mclachlan songs ever is "FEAR". Just thought I would say that. I am thinking of my fears today. I am here tonight, momentarily, to journal my fears.

I am afraid for a mosquito to bite my baby. I am afraid to fall asleep feeding her and drop her. I am scared to go back to cleaning houses and still be breastfeeding. I am scared my husband might get cancer someday and die slowly like my Grampa Tom is now. I am scared for time to go by too quickly and Mahna to be grown up too fast. I am scared for my brother to go to jail. I am scared for someone I won't mention by name and their blind addiction. I am afraid for my friend who seems to always be unhappy. I fear for changes in relationships and things that are unknown. I am scared I may never want to finish college now that I have my beautiful Mahna.

The end... or all I could think of for now.

No complaints YET

I guess I am still in La La land. I know, it has only been a week, but it seems like a long time. I am anxious to get HEALED from the surgery and get back on my feet. I love being strapped to my house though, cuz i could just sit and hold her all day long until Jarrod gets home and I will share her a little bit. :) I am just so happy and I am waiting for the bubble to burst. Any day now I just know she is going to turn into a screamer. So far so good, though. Jarrod has been super cool, complimenting me on doing a good job. He is so in love w/ Mahna and I totally enjoy watching him love her. Moosh moosh moosh. :)

Sad things too...... my papa is in the hospital in Amarillo and may have to have a leg amputated. It is so sad, but he is a strong old man and will be okay, I just hate to think of him being lonely out there and contemplating losing a leg.

My other grandpa Tom is bed bound and dying of cancer. He is just skin and bones and when I took Mahna to see him yesterday he didn't recognize us. It is so sad to watch and I know that my grandma's heart must be so broken by losing another man that she loves. I am glad they had 5 years together though. She is a strong woman, too.

Off the wall but there is a stupid commercial that just irritates me so much! It is for sw airlines I think and this little boy is talking to his grandpa and he says "grampy I won the game!" his grandpa says i wish I could have been there and the little boy says, "me too cuz that is what you said at christmas and my birthday and when my baby sister was born and at halloweeen........." Oh my gosh I have heard that dumb commercial so many times and it is so STUPID> UGH quit calling him GRAMPY!!!!!!!! hahahahhahhaha

Have a happy random day! XOXO

all day everyday

My life is like revolved around Mahna all day every day. I hardly remember what day it is or care what time it is except for if it has been the amount of hours it is supposed to be to feed her again. i love this so much. I know it has only been a few days, but it is cool to have a reason and purpose that is just so amazing. I am not tired of staring at her or feeding her or listening to her sounds. I love it that people want to come over all the time to see her and hold her. So many people love her already. I love to see Jarrod staring at her or kissing her. It is enjoyable to change her diapers and hear her noises and put pajamas on her. I want to freeze time and keep her just like she is right now. TOnight Kendra got to come over w/ my mom and Anna and she held her for soo long, it was very cool to see Kendra happy about her too. Each and every person in both our families and our friends who hold her, stare at her and love on her puts a different special feeling in my heart. That is it, I am obsessed. I have become what I once didn't really understand and thought was annoying.

home

It is nice to be home. My mom told me on the drive from the hospital back home that I wouldn't miss the hospital once I was back at home and she is right. I really liked the nurses and enjoyed my stay at the Medical Center of Lewisville, but I am happy to be at home with my kitties and especially Jarrod. He stayed the night every night at the hospital, but it was such a small amount of time compared to how much I was awake there. I just couldn't relax all the way and take my eyes off Mahna. The drive home was a little nerve wracking. I was so scared that someone was going to hit my mom's van. Thank God I only live five minutes from the hospital. My mom has been so awesome, taking care of everything for me constantly. She was at the hospital almost all day everyday with me. I feel like crying when I think about how happy she is and how much time she sacrificed lately. Thank you to everyone who came to visit me at the hospital. It can be a lonely place, and you all made it a good memory. Well I am pretty tired and loopy now so ask me questions if there is stuff u want to know and don't know. Love ya! Caroline

eeeeeeeeeek

I am nervous about tomorrow. I can't believe it is here already. I am excited though, too and I can';t wait to see me and Jarrod's lil baby and to see him hold her. I will be at Lewisville Hospital until Friday afternoon, so if you want to come visit and meet Mahna, come on! :)

shout out

I would just like to give a shout out to Jana and Brent. Thanks for always reading my blog!! It makes me feel very good to know that you care what I have to say! :)

Today has been a pretty cool day over all. Here i am blogging at 1:45 in the morning and I am not tired yet. I enjoy staying up all hours of the night when I have the freedom to do so. I am sure I won't like it so much when it is a have to situation. Who knows though. I have no clue what it will be like bringing Mahna home. Jarrod put the bassinet together tonight and it is in our room now. It is so hard to imagine there will actually be a little tiny person in there in another week. I only have Sunday, Monday and part of Tuesday and this pregnancy is over, man. That is such a freaky thing. I knew eventually this day would come, but holy cow, is it really only a couple days now??? Jarrod and I rearranged our room today so the bassinet would fit next to my side of the bed. We had to rearrange every single piece of furniture drastically to get this to work, but it was fun. Jarrod is super good at decorating. He is very mathematical and precise about things being centered, etc. Then we super cleaned the whole house for almost two hours. I am so glad to have a clean house. It sure did hurt though. I actually sat down and cried, but then again I am a big baby so that is no suprise. Then we went to dinner w/ Jarrod's parents, grandparents, Tivany, Warren, Freddy, Kristina and kiddos. Freddy and Kristina came out for the baby's birth. I am so glad they are here, I totally enjoy Kristina's company and it had been almost a year since we had seen our nephews. So it's nothin' but fun times for the next few days. Except for the part of getting my gut cut open. That I am a little nervous about but well I will save that for another day.

Happy Sunday!!!!

Oh happy day!

Today turned out to be a really good day. My mom forced me out of the house to get a manicure and pedicure. That is soo relaxing. I really did not want to go, but I made myself anyway. The lady who does it is so sweet and cute and funny and it was just cool as always to spend time with my mom. I think being pregnant has made me so much more attached to her. She is so giving, but I do worry sometimes she is giving so much of herself and she needs to keep a little for her. Then we shared a zesty turkey panido from Jack in the Crack. That was soooo yummy. I highly suggest everyone trying one! MMMMMMMM and we went to the Saturn dealership cuz Jarrod wanted to know the price of the Saturn version of an SUV (he is determined for me to be an SUV driver.....) which is called "VUE" and are about $20,000 new. WOA lots o money even tho most SUV's are more than that. Then we went to Denton to visit my Grandma who is such a delightful person to be around although she is caring for my dying grandpa 24 hours a day. It is so sad watching him slowly suffer and forget everyone and not be in reality anymore. It is so depressing. I am really amazed how well my grandma is doing. She is so sweet, I am so lucky to have such a sweet granny poo. Anyway MOOSH MOOSH. Then Jarrod and I had dinner w/ our friends Cindy and Tom at Abuelo's *YUUUUUM*. It was such a nice dinner. Great conversation and they are just really cool people to be around. She made me feel good saying she was anxious for me to clean her house again. Their first reaction when we walked in.... "you are humungous!"..... and I am! haha. Tonight after we got home I got to talk to my semi long distance friend, Jana, and my very long distance friend Kimmy. It was cool to talk to both of them, so that was a good ending of a day that turned out so much better than it started out. Night night for now.........

someone call the waaaahmbulance

Seen the movie the KID? I love that chubby little boy he is so adorable! He reminds me sorda of my brother when he was little. It is so sad that other kids are so mean to chubby kids cuz they don't get it that chubby kids are the cutest ones!!! Anyway I am feeling very waaaaaaaaah today. I am hot. I am dizzy, I am nauseous. I am so nervous about being a mom. I am so guilty for being a jerk to Jarrod. I feel like I weigh 500 pounds. I am so tired and grumpy and just want to go back to sleep but I have plans today and it is supposed to be fun so I need to suck it up. I want to know how do people make it through pregnancy when they have a kid already??? Seems impossible. Well Have a good day....... I wish I had more interesting stuff to say. XOXO

effects of pregnancy

For those of you who want to have a baby or are about to, let me tell you about the ninth month of this beautiful experience. The baby is so large that even if you are a chubby girl like me u can see the baby moving around in your stomach. The movements are so large it is really neat and makes you so curious about seeing the baby for the first time soon. Now for the bad stuff. Have you ever had heartburn? It is horrid feeling. The belly gets to be bigger than a basketball, I would say and it is also hard like a basketball, so it is not just like being fat and squishy, you can't move around it. It is hard to shave your legs after a certain point. Painting your own toenails is pretty much out. Sleeping is not comfort anymore. I sleep with five pillows and I still barely get a few hours some nights, because no matter what my back has piercing pains. My hips hurt, my arms fall asleep easily. When I turn from side to side my stomach contracts, as in the whole thing gets rock hard and hurts to the point you can just lay there and wait for a few seconds til it goes away. As of today I have 9 days until my scheduled C Section. I am not too scared yet. I am anxious to get a normal type body back, and I am anxious to take care of a baby. I am scared of how things will change in me and Jarrod's relationship, but I am praying for the best. I am looking forward to exercising again in a few weeks. The more I have read about what can happen after vaginal birth, the more that I am glad I am having a surgical birth. I am not upset at all about not "experiencing childbirth". I think I will be a good mom anyway, no matter how my child comes into the world. So here I go on the countdown..........

ugh

I am depresed. Jarrod did not get "the job". They are supposedly using someone within the company to fill the position now. That is after two weeks of stringing us along and interviewing him four times! I am sort of mad at a lot of people. Why not list them out? Jarrod's uncle and boss would not give him a half day off to try the job out like they wanted him to. So it is his fault partly in my opinion. Or it is probably just not meant to be but I am bummed out about it nonetheless. Then I am at my mom's house all day and I am helping Franky make phone calls about court etc. He skipped his possession of marijuana court date so we were trying to find out what he should do now. Well he HAS to go to jail. There is no way around it. So I am sad for him and worried about him and irritated he didn't listen to my parents earlier and do something about it. Then Jarrod's dad wants us to co-sign on an electric bill. We said no which got Jarrod a huge guilt trip. I just don't understand how someone can ask their CHILD for money. We would be reliable for a full year if we cosigned. And Jarrod's dad was so NOT understanding when Jarrod said no. And it wasn't just NO, it was after a few days of agonizing over it. We just have to watch out for ourself sometimes. Ugh.... Also I went to the DR yesterday and my blood pressure was up some and I am swollen, but not too bad. So they hooked me up w/ machines to monitor the baby and took my blood which the nurse sucked at taking blood and I almost passed out. Anyway I didn't get to find out the results yet but I am just moody and depressed. I am probably fine. I only have two weeks (from today) til the C Section anyway. I am just disappointed about the job mostly. I was so hoping that we could have insurance and Jarrod could have an opportunity to move forward. I know I have to trust God and remember that he has his reasons for everything. Today just sucks!!!

nut N honey

Not much going on it seems like. Nothing I have thought to journal about. I am about ready to pop this alien baby out of my belly. My back hurts and I am uncomfy constantly. I told my mom thank God only 18 days til I am out of this bad mood. She said JUST WAIT! Haha. So I am nervous about breastfeeding and waking up and taking care of another human being. My friend told me her baby almost drown the other day when she turned around for five seconds. Her baby is almost 3 yrs old. She is also a very attentive mom so it shows that anything can happen. SCARY. Tonight is Jarrod's keg party. Hopefully we get enough diapers for the first month. If not oh well I am just glad Jarrod will be getting some attention for once since I know he is so excited about Mahna and has been put on the back burner for a few months now and everything is about his pregnant wife and soon to be born baby. We still don't know for sure if he will get the new job. He has had an interview w/ three different people so far. They have all but scared him to death over how "stressful and difficult" the job is. I don't know if they want him to run away or what! The main discussion that still hasn't happened is PAY, which hopefully will happen Tuesday or Weds. They are going to have him come in for a couple hours and just watch what they do and sort of try it himself, so he can see if he can handle it. I really just want him to be happy and maybe a little more challenged. I do know there is a line between being challenged and being absolutely stressed out. I feel like my old job got to me too much and changed how I was toward family and husband and myself. So I don't want him to have to cross that line......... even for us to have health insurance. I am enjoying us getting along awesomely and everything being so smooth. I am scared to death of baby coming and our relationship changing. I am also scared of a job taking over his brain and changing us. I guess I should have titled this blog "scared of change" haha. Well happy weekend! Thanks to those of you who read and also those who comment! XOXO Caroline

'bout time for an update uh huh uh huh

I always leave ya hangin don't I? Sorry. I honestly tried to blog yesterday but the blogger website wouldn't work for me. OOh hold on the mail just came. Oh well nothing exciting. Yes, I am bored! I slept until 10:30 today. There were many awake times in between when I went to bed, too, though.

Jarrod's job interview went great. They basically offered him the job. Pay still hasn't been discussed, and they want him to come work a half a day to see how he likes it first. So it looks like his "diaper/keg party" next Friday night will also be a possible celebration of the new job. I am so excited. I am also paranoid for something bad to happen.

I went to the DR on Tuesday and scheduled my c section for AUGUST 31st. That way she won't be sharing her bday w/ any family members, and she will be able to start kindegarten when she is five instead of six, if she is ready. The doctor says that after 37 weeks the baby is full term, so at that point I will be 38 1/2 weeks. As of right now I am so sick of the heat and it is only Aug. 5. I also feel most of the time as if I can not breathe for her lil' booty pushing on my diaphragm. It is wierd when I came home from the DR I expected to be really excited, but I felt really depressed all day instead. I guess maybe knowing the end is coming and I won't get to feel her moving inside my belly anymore. Cutting the umbilical cord is like releasing her into the world without being able to protect her anymore...

On happier notes: Kendra and John arrived in Austin yesterday successfully! My mom was with them, and my dad and Anna went to meet them with a few pieces of furniture and the oh-so-important SHOWER CURTAIN. (anyone ever moved in a place and forgot they would need a SHOWER CURTAIN? haha... bet you have!) SO I am anxious to hear how things are going w/ them. If all goes as planned there will be a "welcome to Texas party" for Kendra and John next Sunday at my parents house. So there are two invites in this BLOG entry. To Jarrod's Diaper Keg Party next Fri night at our house(bring a pkg of diapers, drink some tasty beer!) and the welcome to Teyhaus par-T on Sunday afternoon at my parent's house.

Have a great day!!!!!!!
Caroline

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers...

No, I am not singing this Garth Brooks song tonight. Today I am so excited because Jarrod had an interview with a new company. He may be getting a job where he does not drive anymore. He would be a dispatcher for a different courier company, and a boss over 27 people. The job will take 6 months of training just to learn it! He will get paid vacation and insurance, which he has never had with a job. It would be such an awesome opportunity for him and for us. I am so anxious for him to get it, I can hardly stand it. And it isn't even about money. It is about him having a job where he feels needed and probably would not dread going every day. I so want him to be happy with what he "does" and he has been talking for so long about having a job where he just drives to work and parks his truck instead of driving his truck 180-200 miles a day and spending $125 a week on gasoline. He has been wanting a "normal job" and I think has always believed he would not get one until he gets his GED and goes to college or something, although he still hadn't figured out 'what he wanted to do'. He has been in the courier bizness 5 1/2 years now, so he really knows a lot about it and the company he is with now is not moving him up or around in any good ways. I just am so excited and hopeful. I am probably getting my hopes up too much, which is always bad, but I can't stop it now, it is too late. He had his first interview today and they want him to come for two more interviews. The next one is on Tuesday, so I will be praying like crazy until then and appreciate anyone else doing the same.

Thngs 2 Lk Frwrd 2 & Thngs 2 B nrvs about

I am looking forward to seeing my neices all day today, but I am nervous that they will drive me nuts. I am so much moodier the last couple days than I have been lately. That is NOT a good thing. I feel myself getting irritable about the dumbest stuff and I am like ok chill out Caroline there is nothing to be mad about. I am also looking forward to having dinner w/ Jackie tonight. I see her maybe 2-3 times a year and always enjoy our conversations. I am nervous I won't be friends w/ people anymore who dont have kids cuz they will think it is annoying that I have a kid. :( I am looking forward to the baby being born, but I am sad I won't be pregnant anymore. I have over a month to enjoy it and appreciate all the things I will enjoy about having my body to myself again (sort of). I am getting lots of advice lately about the realities of life w/ baby, and life w/ toddler etc. It is keeping me in check I think, because I really have been all ga ga loopy excited about her coming and I know I am gonna get slapped in the face. It will actually be good to have people to say "I told you so".

after all that hoo haw

After all my hooing and hawing about wanting to have a natural birth, I am actually wanting a C Section now.

I will let that sink in to anyone who even cares in case u want to feel disappointed in my taking the easier way out, or if u want to sit back and say I told you so! haha

My decision is based on several things. One is that I already have a scar on my belly from Gold. So why scar anything else? I can also schedule this, which means everyone I want to be there should be and Jarrod can make sure he is off work. I won't have to go through numerous hours of labor and waiting........... and neither will my family. In about 5 minutes I will have a baby in my arms, who is hopefully healthy and has a nice round head. No fears of ruptured uterus, emergency hysterectome (sp?) or cords wrapped around the neck. These sound like good things to me. The only thing that doesn't sound good is being heavily drugged after my baby cakes is born. But I suppose that will mean it is Jarrod's time with the baby, and that is okay. I feel good about this decision.

Have a great FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Caroline

just to make sure

Today I had a DR appt. and my mom wanted to go w/ me to see if she could talk the doctor into another ultrasound. I thought YA RIGHT. Last time I went, I asked him if I could have another one and he said "not unless something goes wrong". Well all my mom had to do was mention that we wanted one and he said okay. I almost fell off the table! So he did it himself and showed us all the bones and heart and placenta and abdomen. Everything looks find and healthy. And it is a GIRL! :) YIPPEEEEEEEEEE I am so glad that it is still a girl. I know that sounds funny but you never know what they can miss on an ultrasound and my first one was at 21 wks, so it could have just not showed that it was a boy yet. It is a good thing cuz she has a whole closet full of pink pajamas. :) We have about a million PJ's and like 2 regular outfits, haha. Oh well my mom said babies wear pajamas all the time anyway. I am so looking forward to her getting here. I even can't wait to change her diapers.

So, sorry about the legnth of time it has been since I blogged last. I have had things to say but just haven't taken time to type them. My brother came home Friday. My mom went and picked him up in Denton. He seems pretty happy to be home and is looking better so I think he is okay for as okay as he can be. I am still worried about him but it is good to know where he is and I see him almost everyday. I think Anna is happy for him to be home, too.

Mahna's baby shower was on Sunday. It was awesome! I had so much fun having so many friends and family members in the room. I missed the people who couldn't come... like my sister, Kendra and Jarrod's mom and my friends Jackie and Kimmy. The cake was so yummy and the snacks were good. I got so much cute stuff it was unbelievable. A few people went in to buy the stroller/car seat which is SUCH a huge relief. Everything was so cool and it was so great to see some people that I hardly ever see.

Have a good day!!!!!!! Caroline

Finding Franky

Things that are on my mind: my brother. I am worried about him. I dreamt about him and it was not good. No one has heard from him in days and he isn't even trying to come home. I know he is into some stuff that is dangerous, but probably lots of fun. I am sure he is just out there having a good time, doing what he wants to do. I have been there... It is just scary because I worry that he will be the one out of a hundred that falls out. Drugs are one thing, but then there is all the people who hate gays. If he flaunts his drama in front of some angry redneck or whoever, there is a good chance of getting beat up. Hopefully his friends he is with now are people who have his back and are just good suport for him for whatever he needs right now. It is just sad without him around. I know it is bothering my mom and dad. I wouldn't know what to do if I was them. He is 18 now... Who knows. I don't.

dreamz

I had a wacky disturbing dream last night. Not one that I want to re-live by writing it, so I am just teasing you here. I just wanted to share that I had a wacky dream. It was actually this morning after Jarrod's alarm went off. Usually after he leaves at about 6:45 or 7 a.m., I go back to bed til 8, 9 or on really pitiful days 10. Today , no, I am staying up cuz that dream was wacked out.

I feel like I have forgotten to blog something lately but I dunno what it is. hmmmmmm

well anyway Donnie came over last night and brought his friend Brandon who happens to be a computer lover. So he made my lil laptop faster and he also got my macintosh switched back over to modem instead of DSL. I really have such a small knowledge of computers man! Anyway so I am excited b/c although my Mac isn't totally ready to go now, I can at least download pics on it now and hopefully send some to anyone interested. Pics of what? I don't know! haha.

Oh ya also this weekend, Jarrod put up a shelf in the baby closet, did I already say that? And he fixed the dryer, well at least temporarily but it made me temporarily happy, haha. Usually it won't work for 2-3 days and this time it wouldn t do crap for two weeks!

My poor poor Scout (kitty) has to get his shots today and get some medicine. He is not going to like me come the end of this day!

Yesterday Anna helped me clean a house which was oh so joyous. Haha. I am really glad I have her to help me, I know I already said that, but seriously. Yesterday she didn't even want paid, she just wanted me to help her do her chores. I won't say it was EASY (physically) but it saved me some $ and made her chores go by fast, plus my mom got a professionally cleaned bathroom haha. :)

Well I am so looking forward to my shower Sunday. I can't wait to see all of you that come! Let's eat cake! :) MMMMMMMMM

sunny sunday

Well, I did it again, I slept in too late to go to church. I do it every week and get mad at myself every time. I totally enjoy going to church, yet I still don't make it part of my regularly scheduled programs. I keep thinking "maybe when the baby comes....." but how the heck could getting another person up and ready make things easier??? NO CLUE!

Yesterday Jarrod put up a shelf and clothes bar in the baby closet. I am so happy! We went to Home Depot to get the junk and like 1 hour later it was DONE. So that is awesome and I am so proud of him for just getting it done instead of putting the stuff in there for another day.

I also talked to a long lost friend (Sherry) yesterday. She got the shower invite and is coming so that is really cool, and I am glad it got us back in touch again after almost a year. She had some sad news, though. Her ex-boyfriend and her baby's daddy, died in February of an overdose. Her kiddo is about 3 1/2 yrs old I guess. Now he has no dad, not that his dad was much of a dad in the first place. She said the hardest part is that it is "permanent". So sad..... Makes me worry about my brother. Sometimes I think he is one of the careless druggies. I believe there are careless, lifelong druggies and more careful, temporary druggies. I have a wacky perspective on most things in life, but I truly believe this one. I just really hope that I am wrong about Franky.

So today I guess we might go to the horse races. Tonight my parents and Anna get back from Kanasas City and I will get to see some pictures of Gold! YIPPEE> I haven't seen pics of him in almost a year. So that will be cool, and thank God Anna is back cuz I totally need her help cleaning houses and I might have FOUR this week! YIKES.

Have a great day!!!!!!

YIPPEEE

The last couple days I have been sort of bummed out because I found out Kendra and Jarrod's mom can't come to the baby shower. Cindy also told me only a couple people have RSVP'd, so I have just been sad, because I want everyone to be there and I want to tell all of them how much they mean to me. So Nikki, my dear friend from Kansas City since I was like 12 years old called me yesterday and said she is renting a car to drive out here for the shower! So that makes me really happy. It will be fun to have a girl-friend here for a couple days anyway, cuz I never have anyone (of my friends) over here.

Well last night I worked on clearing out the baby room a lot. I still have some more to do and I made a list of everything that I need to do still. I will feel so much better once that room is done. I guess that is part of "nesting" because it is not direly important, but it FEELS important. I just don't have energy lately to work in there more than an hour. And unfortunately I can't finish the sewing projects w/ out my mom (crib bumper, glider cover and curtains) and she is out of town. Sniff sniff.

Well have a good Saturday!!!!!!! Caroline

Laundr-o-mat and baby stories

Yesterday I had the dreaded task of going to the laundrymat, how ever you spell that. There is one real close to my house so it is not that big of a deal to drive there, but I live in a very hispanic neighborhood and area, so the dryers are always taken up and everyone around me is speaking a language I don't know. One thing I always realize when I go, though, is that hispanic people seem to be the happiest people. They usually have 50 kids running around and yet the women are just talking and laughing away while they do 10 loads of laundry, in a super hot room. Yesterday was no different. I got lucky because there was only one other lady there, so I got to split all my stuff between almost all the dryers and it went by pretty fast. She was so nice, though. I bet she was 80 years old or more, and she was trying to speak english to me, which made me feel like crap for not knowing any espaniol. She gave me her cart and I was thinking how some people can be really rude to big huge pregnant ladies and some people who deserve to be pampered (older ppl) try to take care of huge pregnant ladies. Anyway it was sweet of her to give up her cart, cuz it really does kill my back to carry a basket of wet clothes from my car into the laundrymat. I have a dryer at my house, you see. It is just MOODY! I don't know if it is the electrical wiring in this house or my dryer. I really NEED to check into it more, but do I ever? NO, I just go to the laundrymat when it quits working for a week, or in this case, two weeks. Anyway I guess I better do something about it SOON, since I can't let baby clothes go as long as I can let me and Jarrod's clothes go, haha.

oh as for my title, about baby stories, I am such a junkie for shows on baby stories, like when they are born, how the pregnancy goes, etc etc. I am not a TV person, but I do watch about an hour a day now catching up on all the possibilities of what could go wrong, trying to judge how painful it is goign to be to give birth naturally. Trying to decide if I should have an epidural or be brave super woman.

Ok well enough boring you for today, adios for now!

hap_eeeeeeeeee and thankful

I am happy today b/c I went to the doctor and he said everything is going GREAT, and baby has turned head down. That makes me really happy. I am so thankful that everything is going smoothly. My blood pressure is great, no excessive swelling (just chubbiness haha) and the baby is active and her heart rate is speeding along. I know there is a chance she could turn back around but I am happy knowing she is head down for now.

Well I was supposed to clean a house today but she doesn't want me to come until NEXT monday, darnet. Oh well. It's just money. And Evelyn isn't back in town, either, so it looks like I am off work til Friday. Next week cleaning will probably pick back up. Lucky for me Anna is willing to help me! We can rock through a house, I tell ya!

This past wknd we had so much fun. We went to Galveston, which Anna had not been there before, and the weather was awesome. It felt SO good floating around in the ocean! She learned to boogie board. We stayed at the Flagship hotel which is built right over the water. The view was AWESOME but the hotel was raunchy. I didn't care, I was there for a good shower and the ocean! :)

Thanks for reading! LOVE YA!

the point IS

The point of this journal IS that I type little bits o' my life so if I forget to tell ppl certain things they can just read them on my journal. That way I don't have to tell 10 ppl the same thing in 10 separate emails. It is a time saver, okay! :)

So la de da today I drove my dadeo to the airport and then I got to borrow his convertable, which I had the top down of course. It is such a smoooooth riding car and the weather was so awesome this morning it felt great! Then I went and cleaned a house which was very tiring. I am glad I didn't work out this morning, too, or I would REALLY be sore right now. Tonight I am picking up Anna again, so I will have her to help me clean tomorrow. YEA! Last night I babysat my neices (sp?), Casey's kids who live w/ Jarrod's parents. We watched some cartoons w/ Jarrod for a little bit and played Crazy 8's then we went and got snowcones at my favorite snowcone stand in the Kroger parking lot. Tina (5 yr old) talking the snowcone guy's head off the whole 30 min we were there. It was cute that he was actually listening to her and he is so nice. It is obvious he likes snowcone bizness cuz of the kids. Then we wanted to kill some more time before coming back home cuz Jarrod was watching BASEBALL and my house is not so fun for kids, so we went to Kroger and looked at all the grocery toys and the hula hoops and bounced basketballs. We only spent $1 there and that was on the little merry go round ride things out front. I can't believe grocery stores still have those things! haha. So that killed another 40 minutes then we went back to my house for coloring picture time and they decided they wanted to take showers at MY House cuz I have good smelling soap. That made me feel good and I figured I was helping out Jarrod's mom by washing their hair and all that junk. There is no vent in our bathroom tho, so it was SO hot in there by the time we were done. Jarrod told me I was doing a good job practicing being a mommy. Hmmmm, am I ready for this, REALLY???

Well that is all for now. Tonight I get Anna, tomorrow I clean and hopefully go swimming at Cindy's, Saturday, pool party or the horse races, and Sunday and Monday we will be in Galveston! WOO HOO! Thanks for reading my blog, leave a note saying HI!

CAROLINE

Tooooooooooooooooosday

Howdy readers. Today is a rainy rainy day..... I feel bad for people who have pools and time off work. But ya know, then again it can be fun to have time at home doing housework or watching movies or cooking, eating, writing... reading. Yesterday I went and got Anna and we rented Candyman and 50 First Dates. Both are very good movies. Candyman was made in 1992, but it is still super scary and I do not think it is corny. I saw it when I was about 13 or 14 for the first time and it scared the jeepers outta me so I showed it to Anna who claims to not get scared at any movie. U will have to ask her yourself what she thought! :) So we are just hanging out watching movies and we wrote a couple letters to people, took showers and did a couple dishes. Oh and we had some yummy orange cinnamon rolls for breakfast.

My parents are on vacation in Colorado and having a fun time so far w/ their friends and riding motorcycles. I hope they will relax this week and not worry about stuff too much for once. Everyone needs a break here and there. Watching 50 First dates makes me want to go to Cancun again. I think I would enjoy it MORE this time. I mean I want to wait til after the baby is born of course, but I just think I would enjoy it more than I did two years ago. REASON is that we went w/ some friends a couple years ago and I was pretty insecure and jealous of a girl who was w/ us and it sort of messed up the trip. I think Jarrod and I are more secure in our relationship now and that I am not so afraid that he is goign to turn into cheating Jeremy all of a sudden. Caroline's deep fears, revealed! haha Anyway that is all for now talk to u soon. Leave a comment saying HI, unlike Stephy I am not secure enuf to say I don't need them! :)

happy pancake day

Today Jarrod and I get to go have pancakes at his mama's house. MMMM MMMM MMM. I have been craving pancakes for about two weeks now. Last wknd we attempted to make waffles in our wedding gift waffle iron, which we found out doesn't work. We only used it one other time but I guess it was defective or got messed up in the 2-3 times it has been packed and moved.

Yesterday Jarrod went to visit his brother Casey, in jail, in Tennessee Colony Texas. That is about 2.5 hrs away from Lewisville. By the way, anyone who didn't know, and cares, we found out his brother is getting out of jail in April. We have been living in his house while he was incarcerated, so that he didn't lose the one possession that he has while locked up. It has been fun, and still is, but we want our own house now. Fancy that!

While Jarrod was visiting Casey, I went and updated our registry at Target and Babies R Us. It was pouring rain all day, which made things a little more complicated, but it was ok. I had to update our registry cuz the official baby shower announcements have been sent out! I am so excited about the shower. Baby showers always have the best CAKE! :) ANyway I can't believe that registering was actually painful. After walking through two stores my hips and back hurt so bad, I came home and laid down.

When I was laying down, I watched part of Bruce ALMIGHTY. Seen it? That was a good movie. That is where I got the idea for middle name "Grace" for our lil baby. We haven't totally decided on that yet, but I heard that name and I thought of what Grace "is" and how much of it I have recieved...... And Mahna is part of that grace I have received. I am so lucky to be allowed to have another baby, this time w/ a guy I love so much and never want to be apart from. Everytime I go to the DR. he tells me I am such a LUCKY GIRL (his words) and I know he means cuz I am healthy and things are going well, but I know why I am really lucky.
XOXO HAVE A GOOD DAY! CAROLINE

beautisomous

Oh I love the new look of my blog so much, do you? I owe a huge thanks to my friend Cynthia from CMOORE web designs who did such an awesome job and is so fast and accurate! U ROCK!!!!!!! So I hope anyone out there who has a business which needs a website or just wants their blog to look cooler will check out my side bar to see how to get hooked up with her. I think it looks so pretty and it is all of what I would have done if I had the knowledge of web design! Thank you thank you thank you!

Well to anyone whose been reading. I got my results from the diabetes test and they were NORMAL!!!!!!! YEA! I am so glad! I had been watching all this stuff on discovery channel about things that can happen to your baby if you get that. Ugh, that channel is wonderful and horrid all at once!

Today was a good day, I cleaned a house, then got to visit w/ a friend for a while, said goodby to my parents who are leaving town for a bit and wrote a lil note for Kendra's graduation announcements. Now I need to vacuum and do some dishes at my own house. FUN!

Hope u all have a fun Friday!!! XOXO

sleepy again

Yep sleep should be out of my vocabulary from now on i guess. I wake up all night uncomfy and according to my friend it is my body getting me ready to get up every couple hours w/ my babycakes. Well this morning I am up early cuz I have to go take the 3 hr glucose diabetes test since I failed the 1 hr one last week. I have been waking up with puffy eyes every day, hopefully just from not sleeping well, but it freaks me out a little cuz that was the sure sign of toxemia last time.

Anyway last night we found a picture of Jarrod's best friend Jonathon who killed himself in 1998 on the internet. Jarrod never had a picture of him so that was really cool to find it. We found it on the denton county website cuz he had been arrested, so it is a mugshot but jarrod was still happy to get a picture. I would be really sad if i had lost a friend and never got a picture of them...

I also had a dream about my friend Nica last night. Well I don't know if we are friends anymore but once upon a time we were when we workedd
together at Vertis. Anyway her husband died a few months ago and I have never got to talk to her since it happened. So i had a dream I talked to her last night. It was really real feeling. I also dreamed that I saw someone else I knew who was pregnant and she was the same size as me but she was about to have her baby any day. So that was my insecurity of being a huge blob coming out. Haha.

Well have a great day, thanks for reading!!!!!!!!

anniversary

Yesterday was Jarrod and my 4th anniversary. Our anniversary so far has always been a "major" event of the year. We have always planned our vacation around it and made it a special time. This year we couldn't really go on a trip. I can't be in the car very long, we didn't have much money saved, etc etc. Mostly the reason is that I am pregnant. So anyway this year we hadn't even really talked about what we were going to do. I even thought the day before, that he was going to forget it altogether. Well he didn't. He told me first thing in the morning "happy anniversary" and we planned to cook dinner together when he got home. We very very rarely cook dinner, it is usually something quick or takeout. So anyway he grilled some really good steaks and put cheese on them like they do at Old San Francisco Steak house and he grilled corn, set the table, etc etc. He got me a really sweet card that just had a couple lines written on it but they mean so much to me. It was just a really great night. It took us about 3 hours to finish dinner, but we were having a good time the whole time. I told him it was probably the best anniversary yet. It is not about how much money you spend or where you can say you went, it is about showing the other person this day matters to you.

Today...... I cleaned a house and was wincing from the pain in my back about half the time I was there, and fantasizing about taking a leave of absense from housecleaning. I do this all the time. Plan a date for quitting temporarily. Then I think about the MONEY and what will I do if I am not cleaning a few times a week...... And can't I just push myself a little further... I know, some of u might be thinking I am doing something bad but maybe some of you also understand. I say some, like there are a million ppl who read this or something haha.

I also went to the DR today for my glucose test which took an hour. I don't know the results for 3 days. I am not too worried about it since I didn't have diabetes w/ Gold, but even if I do have it it will be GOOD if I can't eat sugar, then I won't gain so much weight haha.

OK well enuf of all that. ta ta for now

SLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Lately, I just want to SLEEP. It seems like the only time I am comfortable is when I sleep. I wonder what I will be saying in 2-3 months when I am really about to bust! Today I have 1 very messy house to clean and a 1/4 of a house to finish cleaning. I also have to pick my brother up at a bus stop in Lewisville. He went to Kansas City last week to pick up his graduation present.... a nasty old trashy subaru, and on the way out of town the hood flew up and busted the windshield to pieces. Besides that little detour the car was a piece of junk anyway so my dad decided to just bring him home instead of waiting to fix it or something like that. I wonder if he had a fun adventure on a bus trip from Kansas City. It is normally about an 8 hr drive, so I am guessing it was like 12 on a bus? When I was 18 I would have thought that was pretty fun. Who knows w/ Franky tho cuz he is kind of snobby about being dirty and around certain people. We shall see!

Yesterday ended up being a great day. Anna, Jarrod, mom, dad, G-ma and Tom all came swimming at Cindy's house w/ me. We grilled food and all just had a good time in the sun. Then one of Jarrod's friends had to stay the night last night. He is not one of my favorite people, but I was nice to him anyway. Jarrod and I agreed that he should only stay one night b/c of the circumstances etc, but now I am thinking well we could help him out a little more..... let him stay longer, give him a ride to work tomorrow.. i dunno. i don't know what is the right thing to do. Well anyway I better get going I am running late already.
ADIOS!!!!!!! HAPPY MONDAY!

tit for tat

haha i just titled this that, cuz what the heck does that mean!!! haha. well it has been a week since my last confession... i mean blog, but for the lack of comments I fear I have lost all my readers anyway. :( So lately i have been feeling pretty sick. Nauseous stuff and heat flashes. I am PREGNANT here not going thru menopause! It seems funny to me at 27 weeks I would start getting morning sickness, but I do feel nauseous pretty much every morning. My back hurts a lot more, maybe cuz I have gained so much weight already. I continue to work out and clean houses, though, because I know it must be GOOD for me to keep moving and not be on the couch the next three months. It is very tempting though. Yesterday I had a bad luck day. My friend's pool is messed up because of ME turning off a lever I thought was no big deal. She is in Europe and left me in charge of her house. Warning: Don't leave me in charge of your house. Then a lawn person almost ran over me in his truck yesterday. That just made me FURIOUS cuz I am a mood swing waiting to happen and well I had the right of way!!! Then my back hurt too bad to clean my OWN house after cleaning someone else's so I laid down on the couch and didn't wake up for almost two
hours which made me mad at myself b/c I hate giving Jarrod a dirty house for the weekend when he comes home from work. Then the dryer quit working AGAIN, I broke our light fixture over the sink. Taco Bueno screwed up Jarrods part of our dinner order so I had to drive BACK there. My car overheated on the way back to Taco Bueno and I had to be rescued. Hope fully it is nothing big, but we'll SEE. Oh and for the final thing I broke off a lightbulb in our ceiling fan.

Other than that...... well today HAS to be a better day right.

tiz a groovacious day

Yea, I am not really doing the deep meaningful blogs lately eh? (or was i ever?) well weds I cleaned for Evelyn. She slept most of the time I was there. She sleeps a lot lately. Other than that she always seems so alert and happy. I never really think of her as old until I get annoyed w/ going over there and then stop and think how this is a limited time offer I have going with this awesome lady. I've got the fear of death in me (while I am pregnant of all things). Today I spent a few hours at my grandma and Tom's house. I really think of Tom as my grandpa. I have known him a little over five years I guess, but I seem to know him more than I knew my real grandpa who died when I was 16. Anyway he has cancer and it is just getting worse. Monday he is having surgery again. The doctor said the surgery would improve the quality of the rest of the life he has left. That is depressing talk. It especially makes me sad to hear my grandma talk about "when Tom is not here anymore". They are so in love. They have all these common interests, like crocheting and sitting on the porch during nice weather. My graN-e poo never seems to feel pressured to be a better wifey etc etc. It is just cute. NEWAY it was cool to be around them, but it makes me so sad to think he won't live that long. So I guess this is a plea for prayer. A lot of ppl probably don't even know him, but what if all the blogger readers pray for him, won't he have a better chance for a miracle of overcoming cancer??? Ugh. On a happy note, we had Don Pablos fajitas w/ my parents tonight...mmmmmmm! That was fun. I felt lucky and happy to see my grandparents and parents in one day. Now I am off to watch Friday night TV w/ my huz. Happy Friday everybody!!!

oooooooh BAAAAAAAAby

wow, that must have been my longest slack off of the blog yet! thanks to anyone who cares to still check my blog! i really do like this blog thing, but I don't take the time to do it lately. Must be pregnant moodiness! haha. so hello out there. there is a good storm going on outside right now. Lotsa lightning and rain. The rain smells GOOD. Jarrod and I sat outside for a while tonight watching the storm. he watches every single one, when he is home. I have trouble sitting still, so it makes me glad to be w/ him.... he makes me do things I wouldn't by myself. Today I cleaned the house in Highland Village. Ugh. It is so hard, wears me out bigtime. I came home and soaked in the bath. To any other pregos out there that really does help w/ back pain. Trust me I know about the back pain. Well I was happy to find out one of my friends is pregnant. She will be about 4 mo. behind me, so that will be pretty cool. I am also housesitting right now for some ppl w/ a pool. That is awesome. Their backyard is like a resort! They also have five adorable cats. Hmmmmmm what else. I dunno for now, maybe more tomorrow.

decided

well jarrod and i decided and agreed today we want to name our lil gurl Mahna. For anyone who wonders it is pronounced MAaaaaaaahnuh. LOL LARA. well anyway today my mom anna and i had a garage sale and sold a bunch of our junk and then gave the rest to that monger of a thrift store CCA. i am sleeeeeeeepy cuz we only slept about 5 hours. i used to have NO idea why people couldn't live on 3-5 hours of sleep but today i have felt so horrible i can't believe i am in the same body i was 5 years ago, or heck even 6 months ago! i feel her moving in my belly all the time though, and it is so cool, like a secret kind of thing between us. so thats the story for today, more later, adios thanks for reading

last day in Utah

Today is the last day in utah, and i am oh so glad. I loooove being around my sister, though, and I will totally miss her. I just really miss Jarrod. I can't believe I haven't seen him in 5 days! He has been having fun with his family and friends, too, and stayed bizy so that is all good. We hang out like constantly so it is really wacky for us to be apart for this long. Also being in a hotel room w/ franky, anna, mom and dad for so many days it is kind of crowded and u know how u just get cranky w/ people after a few days. anywaysssss hope u are all doing good.

still happy clappy

I am still a happy woman, knowing i am having a girl. I just need to decide on a name. I really like Mahna for the reason of family. It was my beautiful grandma's name who died. She was the most awesome person. But I also like Audrey and I really have an urge to let Jarrod name our daughter. He just wants to let me decide. Well I am in Utah right now visiting Kendra, who graduated from COLLEGE yesterday. She is too accomplished i tell ya! We have had a lotta fun tho. It is fun being on a vacation w/ my family, like olden times. But I miss my huzband a lot, too. It is weird sleeping w/ out him and not seeing my kitties everyday. Luckily his parents have been entertaining him constantly since I left, so he has not been bummed out or bored. Tomorrow is mother's day so happy day to all you Mommy's out there. adios for now, thanks for all the comments!

can't paint your nails while you blog

haha

okay enough of my depressing and angry blogs... this is a super happy one b/c i have been on cloud 9 since yesterday when I found out I am having a GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

i am so so sosososoososoooooooooo happy and i feel so blesssed and soooooooooooo lucky and oh jeez i am scared shitless but i am amazed and in awe and my new favorite color is pink!

I can't believe I GET TO RAISE A GIRL! I feel so lucky!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh

ok anyone else excited??

Y iz it?

Why is it my ex, whom I have not seen in approx. 5 yrs showed up at my doorstep when I am very chubbily pregnant and had no makeup on?

Okay, well Gold's biological "father" showed up Monday, asking to see pictures of Gold. This is the FIRST time in 6 years he has asked to see a picture. I was really nice to him when he came over. In fact, I began to feel quite sorry for him, as he told me about his sad marriage to his "devil wife" as he called her. I was nice, I even felt sorry for him. Tuesday, when he left a message on the answering machine asking if Jarrod wanted to go have a beer, part of me thought "what could it hurt?". Today... the rage kicked in. How dare he show up at my door? He lied to me, cheated on me, made me look like a fool, and then abandoned me and denied his own child. I guess I am just mad today. I just think, why bother with him? why feel sorry? Why have I been waiting for 6 years for him to ask for a picture? I even offered to let him keep some pictures, which he declined because "suzen won't let him". I now think that is a lie, too, and he probably convinced her that Gold is not his kid. Whatever. I do not care. I am so thankful for my life now. Now that I see what I "could have had". I could have been with some jerk who is never happy with what he has and is always looking for something else. Screw that. I am so glad of who I am with and how my life is now. It has taken forever to get here, and if he thought he could walk in and change anything he was sadly mistaken. BAH

tired of being sad over it

so here is a prayer i cut out of the newspaper, its pretty groovacious

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
where there is injury , pardon
where there is doubt, faith
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console

To be understood as to understand

To be loved as to love

For it is in giving that we receive

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.......


DIG IT??????

bah bah blacksheep

I am straight up depressed today because my brother is in trouble. I can think of very little else, and all day I was thinking. I am in Yoga and my brother is in jail. I am doing calculus and my brother is in jail. I am eating at Joe's and my brother is in jail. It just sucks. Straight up.

Anyway for other news in my life, I am up to my ears in school and totally confused about my math. I have a book to read STILL and ugh.... I could gripe more but I know no one wants to hear it.

Well happy day to u all and talk to u soon. adios.

end of semester

Craziness is starting to set in now that the semester is coming to an end. I wonder, will this be my "LAST" semester? I hope and think not. But it is hard to say what life with baby will be like. I am pretty good at juggling a million things but with another human being on my hip? we shall see.

Sarah...... i am sorry i will miss you when u go to utah. I hope u and kendra get to hang out tho and have fun.
Stephy... I do wear a mask sometimes and am always in well ventilated areas. I always wear gloves, though. I do hope u will come to my shower. I don't know when it will be or anything but I would love to have u there! Give me your addy so I can send u an invite.

I have already noticed the way people treat you differently when you are CHUB_A_LUBish but inside i kind of am laughing cuz it is sort of fun and funny sometimes to be chubbier and know that people are looking at me sideways or maybe I am just paranoid. Either way its funny to me because I feel like I know who I am underneath. And for the first time in my life I am starting to think, it is NOT all about how you look. I mean, sure mostly that is what ppl care about, but you know, my husband treats me like a princess and my family and neighbors still talk to me so ya know...

Sad night last night....... Our AIDS kitty died. We knew it would happen someday, but it was still shocking and really sad to say good bye to her. Jarrod is a big time animal lover and was so broken hearted. He was so determined that that cat was going to live and didn't really have Aids....She did live 6 mo. longer than the vet estimated, so I guess that is good. At least she had a home and did not have to be put to sleep and was not miserable when she died. She also didn't spread the disease to more cats before she died. So those are good things... But it was still oh so sad..... I cant even explain how heartbreaking it was, but most of you probably know. The one major thing I dislike about getting older is death. I don't think there is a sadder pain than dealing with death... At least not now.

Okay well goodnight and thanks for reading
xoxo

who knows

I wonder who will still read my blog after two weeks of no bloggy blog. Well hello to anyone who is. I don't know what it is that got into me and made me not want to blog. It just seemed like too much trouble (gasp).

Today oh happy easter day we had a groovacious church service about crucifiction. I was on cloud nine because Jarrod went to church with me and that is such a very rare occurance. We then did another rare thing by going to lunch w/ my grandparents. It was yummy food at Olive Garden. Oh those breadsticks! Well anyone who is curious about the pregnancy thing, it is going fine. I have outgrown every piece of clothing I think, except my 2XL sweatshirt haha. I know I am too chubby but I am enjoying this eating time while I can. I crave cereal a lot, so I eat it when I want to. I know this is my only time in life with an EXCUSE to be chubby. During other times of my life it will be totally looked down upon. And guess what!!!!!! I felt the baby moving last Tuesday! It was so awesome to feel it. It moved for a few minutes straight. I love it! Tonight it moved again. Well, I know it moves all the time, but I could FEEL it again tonight. I tried to show Jarrod, but only I can feel it, you can't feel it with your hand yet. That was sad, cuz I want to share it with him, and I hate that he feels left out right now. But I know soon he will get to feel it. Oh and I am still cleaning houses. In fact I got a new customer. That is cool to be making more money so I don't have to worry so much. it was a big answer to prayer. An almost over night answer, it seemed. My back usually hurts when I am cleaning, but it goes away pretty much after I am done. The only other time I feel uncomfortable is sitting down for over an hour (such as in a theater or car). I am 18 weeks now! I get to find out on Apr 30 if it is a boy or girl. Jarrods mom, my mom and Jarrod will be going with me. Last pregnancy thing, I am still working out at least twice a week pretty good. So that means I will have good muscles under my chubbiness! :) love ya all!!!!!!!! night!

oh happy day

It has been a good weekend! Yesterday Jarrod and I got our income tax money so I got a vacuum (yes I am an obsessive cleaning lady) and he got a lawn mower (now he is a real man!). It was fun shopping for these things even though I can't believe we were excited about a lawn mower and vacuum. Even after being married almost 4 years we still feel like we are playing house sometimes. I kind of hope it always stays this way. Like we go through 2 weeks of eating at the table for dinner every night... then get bored of it and go back to the couch in front of the TV. But while the table lasts I feel so domestic and wifely, like I am doing what I always wanted to. Am I a total retardo? Tonight at my parent's house I sort of came to an understanding with myself, too. I realized that I am not a total loser for not having a college degree yet. It is okay that I am not just like Kendra, as driven and determined, and decisive... I just have different things I am doing and it does not make me less in my parents eyes, and I should not feel jealous of her or feel embarrassed of what I have not yet accomplished. I still have life left, right. Okay well anyway!

Today Jarrod and I got up at 9:30 and went grocery shopping (another play house thing) and then watched TV for a little while and had our neighbor over and his daughter who just turned 18 today and we played Jeapordy (sp?) on the playstation. It was kinda fun. I gave her one of my old hemp necklaces and a raver bracelet and a cupcake and she thought it was like the best present ever. That made me feel good for her that she had a happy piece of day. Later I went to church w/ Ma, and then we went to Ross and she got me some pregnancy pants. They are actually pretty cute, even on a super-chubbo like myself.

OH speaking of chubbbbbbbbo, I found out I can't go on the Atkins diet when I am breastfeeding! AND I can't drink beer! What the heck am I going to do! Ugh.

Well happy week to all of you, hope you can comment for me to make my day happy. I will try to keep up with the blog better. ADIOS!

sumthing pozitive

okay i feel better, hopefully the blues will stay at bay for a while, now that I had one super crappy day. Life is not so bad, really. I am just uncomfortable in my own skin, and I have a hard time dealing with that. All day Tuesday i was praying for something positive to come in my mind, because I literally had only depressing thoughts streaming through. I know that may seem ridiculous to some logical folks. I have so much to be thankful for, I know. But finally that afternoon I realized I had one major thing to be thankful for. I got really lucky with the man that I married. (AWWWWWWWW) He is really sweet to me and gives me constant constant attention, which I am a big craver of. I just have my moments where I am so happy and feel so blessed that I got HIM instead of some of the other alternatives. I think the best part and the SAVING GRACE part of our life together was him choosing me, not the other way around. If I would have picked, I would have picked THE WRONG GUY.

ANywaysssssssss today was a great day. I went to school, and had a fine day, and then went to my parent's house where I hung out w/ anna and franky a while then me and Anna went to sTARBUCKS and sat outside in the lovely sunshine. Then we went to Cindy's to feed her kitties and we played w/ them in her backyard for about an hour and laid in her hammock in the sun..... aaah. THEN we went to Anna's old school and swung on the swings and she showed me her tricks on the monkey bars. It was fun.

Hope everyone is oky doky. Love ya Caroline

hate this

I hate this day, I hate this day, I am so mad and grumpy and want to cry and scream and I hate everyone I come in contact with today, well not really everyone, but it all is making me mad and irritated and depressed and I hate this feeling.

almost a week

I remembered sort of subtly but slowly that I had shot a cop, on accident, and stole a bunch of money. I still had his keys, which my grandpa advised me to put somewhere that he would find them because nothing is more of a pain than losing a whole set of keys. All I could think of were fingerprints. Then I found the money order for $1000 made out to Deborah someone in my wallet. Boy do I wish I could change that money order to be made out to me, because I am BROKE now. And I need to leave NOW. The money order, I remember is for a donation place of some kind. At the time I stole all that money, I thought I should donate some of it, so as to ease my conscience. But it was so soon after it happened that i never gave her the money order. I want to now, seeing as it is useless to me. I always use sharpies to fill out my money orders, since there is that stuff to take regular ink off them if someone stole it. I can't believe I shot someone. That is too freaky. And his son was there, too. He was older, but still... Now me and this girl have to run and I don't know where we are going to go, but I have to pack up some stuff fast. I put some of my memories in a backpack. I grab two coin purses out of the trunk of my car. I look at all the other misc. stuff back there and think about how later on someone will be going through all this stuff........ I jump in the back of the van with The Girl and we start to leave. I tell her I didn't pack any clothes, we are starting brand new. But in the back of my mind I know that was pretty dumb not to even bring extra underwear. I am scared and regretful. I think of what Jarrod is going to say. I want to hate him and be mad at him and not care that I am leaving, so those are the thoughts I push in my head. I try to figure out ways I could stay and live close enough to still have my life but not have to go to jail. I figure out a way, and then we are on TV, tied up...... with crazy looking wigs on....... the dream is fading out and I wake up.