Olan Mills

Today I was planning to take Mahna to get her picture taken at Olan Mills. Through all the millions of coupons I got from the hospital, there was a package of free pictures from Olan Mills. I figured since it was her one month bday today what a good thing to do. :) Well I lookd up Olan Mills.com and would you believe the closest one is 136 miles away in some town in Oklahoma!!!!!! crazy. Well I guess that gas money would not be worth the free pictures haha.

I can't believe it has been a month already. Now I am scared that time is going by too fast. I am such a spaz about that. I do spend lots of time holding her and playing with her, and since I am not working or goign to skewl right now it is all fun and games except for sleep deprivation, which isn't actually an everyday occurance, thank God.

I am looking forward to this weekend. It is sort of my "pre birthday" weekend. We are going to the state fair on Saturday. I love the Texas state fair. It is so fun to walk around checking out all the people, try to win prizes, and eat lots of yummy food. I probably won't do any RIDES this year, but that doesn't really bother me. I think for my actual birthday, next Tuesday, we are going to go to dinner at Jin Beh w/ my parents. That is a very cool and not too expensive hibachi grill. My mommy gets the privalege of babysitting Mahna this Saturday for the state fair and Jarrod's parents can watch her for my bday dinner.

Okay well she is awake and hungry so I better go! Thanks for reading!

6 days later

Okay, i have to get back in the blog saddle again! At least I made it less than a week. :) So did anyone see the news flash last night about the "danger of blogs and teens"? It was a good point they made. The news station was not knocking journals, just letting parents/ kids know that things written on the web can be permanent and u never know when someone might look up your blog 20 years down the road and hold your opinions and thoughts against you. I think the point they were trying to make was that if you became famous or a political or religious leader, you may not hold the same opinions as an adult as you did as a teen, so dont make them permanent on the internet.

Of course I have to give a little Mahna update. She has been sorda fussy lately so when she had her newborn well check today I asked the DR what to do to help her be happier and more comfortable. Apparently babies need a good balance of quiet alone time, and stimulation. So too much holding, passing around, TV, music, noises........ all day long lead to a tired grumpy nighttime baby. So right now I am letting her sit still in her room to get happy for her daddy who won't be home til 8 tonight, cuz he is out makin extra $$$. The DR also said that she is totally healthy and is growing wonderfully! That makes me very happy. I knew she looked chubbier but it is good to hear a DR say she is proud of me for how well I am doing with breastfeeding. Some people may not know how challenging breastfeeding can be at first. I am just glad to be past the first two weeks. I sure love our alone time together. It is a cool thing to know I am making food for her! So wierd!

Okay well that is all for today. Have a good one!

is it really FRIDAY already?

Man time does fly. I feel like I have lost track of days since Mahna has been born. In a way it's like oh she is only two weeks old, but in another way it seems like OH MY GOSH SHE IS ALREADY two weeks old. So anyway........ Yes I am obsessed w/ my babycakes and I don't think of much else besides her and Jarrod. I have been having off and on bouts of "postpartum depression". It is very confusing to feel very sad and have depressing thoughts going through my mind to the point of crying sometimes when I am the happiest woman on earth. It makes no sense at all and I hope it goes away very soon. It not only confuses me but people around me and especially Jarrod, so I am really wanting it to be GONE. It isn't constant, just occassional but DAILY and that sucks. Okay enough whining. As for Mahna Grace she is beautiful and getting more alert by the day, staying awake longer between meals. I think her eyes are getting more focused on things now as she has seemed to notice some of her toys and when she looks at me it seems like she is really looking at me. When we are home alone I enjoy holding her as much as possible. I know that when we go out places I will not hold her at all because everyone wants a piece of this lil bundle. Last night was my gma's bday and she had a housefull of kids, grandkids, great grandkids... she had so much fun. People brought TONS of food and it was yummmmmmmmmmmEEEEEEEEE. Anna didn't get to go cuz she has strep and couldn't be around babies or the other kids for that matter until this morning when her meds took full effect. I felt bad for her but she stayed at our house w/ Jarrod all night and ended up having a lot of fun, so it all worked out. Today is Tom's memorial service at 2:00. Kendra should be here at any time, so I am looking forward to going over to my parents house to hang out w/ my cuz, gma, auntie and sister until Jarrod picks Mahna and I up for the service. Well have a good day and take care! Happy weekend to everyone. CAROLINE

apples and oranges

I am eating an apple and orange for breakfast. I would have opted for the easier version of CEREAL but there's no milk in da fridge. A week from today I should be able to DRIVE again, yippee.

Yesterday my grandpa Tom passed away, on "grandparent's day". :( I am so sad that I can't talk to him anymore, but it has been a while since I could really talk to him anyway. He got to see Mahna, so that is cool. Cancer is so confusing. It is like once a person goes on Hospice, you know they will die, but then it is like well maybe any day now he will wake up and have another chance and I can talk to him again... I feel really sad for my grandma. That was probably her last "companion".....

I also met Franky's room mate, Kace, yesterday. He is the one who wrecked my video camera and doesn't have the $ to fix it. Grr. I am sort of over that, though. It was good to meet him cuz Franky has known him and semi lived w/ him for a little while. Franky insisted that he had to come outside and meet Mahna. Franky loves her so much, it is so cute.

I am looking forward to the few family members who are coming in from Kansas City this weekend. It will be cool to see my aunt and my cuzins and of course KENDRA. :)

Have a good Monday. Mahna and I will be going to the hospital for a PKU whatever that is, today. It is just 'routine' for a two wk old kiddo. I can't believe she will be 2 wks already. Time is flying too fast!

XOXO

Saturday

Well we made our first official family trip to Walmart today. And of course, Mahna screamed most of the time, so that was appropriate. It would have been a perfect walmart trip if we were also beating her going thru the store. haha. Sorry inside joke. Okay well anyway today was groovacious. Mahna let me sleep twice last night for four hours each time and that was great. Then an hour after I got up my parents came over and my dad showed us how to record off his video camera. Mahna was sweet and enjoyable as always. Then Jarrod and I went to Cero's Heroes in Grapevine and got a super tasty sub. We drove to the lake an dhad a little picnic then ended up walking around Walmart. That is where I grocery shop, so I go there often, but Jarrod never comes and today he did so that was cool. Then Jarrod's mom watched Mahna while we went to our friends bday party. It was fun to go out and to be able to drink a beer. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT mostly I just missed mahna the whole time and I didn' t know what to do with myself. It was a wierd feeling. I am so attached to my baby cakes. I am glad that Jarrod's mom got to spend some time w/ her tho. My mom was kind of bummed she didn' tget to bbsit but hopefully she won't hold it against me. :) Well then we came home and Jarrod was in a cleaning mood so we did some cleaning and that was coolio. So anyway I am dead tired now so more later. ADIOS

"when you're down, look at a clown"

Anyone know what movie that quote is from??? Popquiz!!!!!!

well I was thinking of writing a pity party blog because I have the blues going on today. But once long ago someone gave me the treasured advice to make a list of things I am thankful for if I start feeling sorry for myself. (I have also been given the advice to pray for other people when I feel bummed).

So here is my list:

I am thankful for me and Jarrod's baby. I am so thankful that I get to be a mommy, for I know not everyone gets to. I am thankful that my brother wanted to come hang out w/ me today and wants to spend the weekend w/ my family. I am thankful that we live in a house w/ cheap rent and that we might be able to get a house of our own in the next year or so. I am thankful that I had a successful and healthy pregnancy. I am VERY thankful that the pain of my C Section is finally starting to subside. I am thankful that Mahna is healthy and happy and oh so cute. I am thankful my cats have not given us a hard time or got in Mahna's face or anything freaky. I am thankful that both of my sisters fell in love w/ my daughter. I am thankful that things smoothed out w/ us and Jarrod's parents and I am actually sort of thankful that Jarrod did not get that job he was trying for. (is it ok to be sort of thankful?) I am thankful that my grandma made the effort to come spend the day w/ me yesterday despite her circumstances. I am thankful for my husband and his strong sense of family.

Okay well thanks for listening. I must say I feel better now! Glad I didn't mope it out on the blogger. XOXO
Caroline

And I Fear........

One of the bestest Sarah Mclachlan songs ever is "FEAR". Just thought I would say that. I am thinking of my fears today. I am here tonight, momentarily, to journal my fears.

I am afraid for a mosquito to bite my baby. I am afraid to fall asleep feeding her and drop her. I am scared to go back to cleaning houses and still be breastfeeding. I am scared my husband might get cancer someday and die slowly like my Grampa Tom is now. I am scared for time to go by too quickly and Mahna to be grown up too fast. I am scared for my brother to go to jail. I am scared for someone I won't mention by name and their blind addiction. I am afraid for my friend who seems to always be unhappy. I fear for changes in relationships and things that are unknown. I am scared I may never want to finish college now that I have my beautiful Mahna.

The end... or all I could think of for now.

No complaints YET

I guess I am still in La La land. I know, it has only been a week, but it seems like a long time. I am anxious to get HEALED from the surgery and get back on my feet. I love being strapped to my house though, cuz i could just sit and hold her all day long until Jarrod gets home and I will share her a little bit. :) I am just so happy and I am waiting for the bubble to burst. Any day now I just know she is going to turn into a screamer. So far so good, though. Jarrod has been super cool, complimenting me on doing a good job. He is so in love w/ Mahna and I totally enjoy watching him love her. Moosh moosh moosh. :)

Sad things too...... my papa is in the hospital in Amarillo and may have to have a leg amputated. It is so sad, but he is a strong old man and will be okay, I just hate to think of him being lonely out there and contemplating losing a leg.

My other grandpa Tom is bed bound and dying of cancer. He is just skin and bones and when I took Mahna to see him yesterday he didn't recognize us. It is so sad to watch and I know that my grandma's heart must be so broken by losing another man that she loves. I am glad they had 5 years together though. She is a strong woman, too.

Off the wall but there is a stupid commercial that just irritates me so much! It is for sw airlines I think and this little boy is talking to his grandpa and he says "grampy I won the game!" his grandpa says i wish I could have been there and the little boy says, "me too cuz that is what you said at christmas and my birthday and when my baby sister was born and at halloweeen........." Oh my gosh I have heard that dumb commercial so many times and it is so STUPID> UGH quit calling him GRAMPY!!!!!!!! hahahahhahhaha

Have a happy random day! XOXO

all day everyday

My life is like revolved around Mahna all day every day. I hardly remember what day it is or care what time it is except for if it has been the amount of hours it is supposed to be to feed her again. i love this so much. I know it has only been a few days, but it is cool to have a reason and purpose that is just so amazing. I am not tired of staring at her or feeding her or listening to her sounds. I love it that people want to come over all the time to see her and hold her. So many people love her already. I love to see Jarrod staring at her or kissing her. It is enjoyable to change her diapers and hear her noises and put pajamas on her. I want to freeze time and keep her just like she is right now. TOnight Kendra got to come over w/ my mom and Anna and she held her for soo long, it was very cool to see Kendra happy about her too. Each and every person in both our families and our friends who hold her, stare at her and love on her puts a different special feeling in my heart. That is it, I am obsessed. I have become what I once didn't really understand and thought was annoying.

home

It is nice to be home. My mom told me on the drive from the hospital back home that I wouldn't miss the hospital once I was back at home and she is right. I really liked the nurses and enjoyed my stay at the Medical Center of Lewisville, but I am happy to be at home with my kitties and especially Jarrod. He stayed the night every night at the hospital, but it was such a small amount of time compared to how much I was awake there. I just couldn't relax all the way and take my eyes off Mahna. The drive home was a little nerve wracking. I was so scared that someone was going to hit my mom's van. Thank God I only live five minutes from the hospital. My mom has been so awesome, taking care of everything for me constantly. She was at the hospital almost all day everyday with me. I feel like crying when I think about how happy she is and how much time she sacrificed lately. Thank you to everyone who came to visit me at the hospital. It can be a lonely place, and you all made it a good memory. Well I am pretty tired and loopy now so ask me questions if there is stuff u want to know and don't know. Love ya! Caroline

eeeeeeeeeek

I am nervous about tomorrow. I can't believe it is here already. I am excited though, too and I can';t wait to see me and Jarrod's lil baby and to see him hold her. I will be at Lewisville Hospital until Friday afternoon, so if you want to come visit and meet Mahna, come on! :)

shout out

I would just like to give a shout out to Jana and Brent. Thanks for always reading my blog!! It makes me feel very good to know that you care what I have to say! :)

Today has been a pretty cool day over all. Here i am blogging at 1:45 in the morning and I am not tired yet. I enjoy staying up all hours of the night when I have the freedom to do so. I am sure I won't like it so much when it is a have to situation. Who knows though. I have no clue what it will be like bringing Mahna home. Jarrod put the bassinet together tonight and it is in our room now. It is so hard to imagine there will actually be a little tiny person in there in another week. I only have Sunday, Monday and part of Tuesday and this pregnancy is over, man. That is such a freaky thing. I knew eventually this day would come, but holy cow, is it really only a couple days now??? Jarrod and I rearranged our room today so the bassinet would fit next to my side of the bed. We had to rearrange every single piece of furniture drastically to get this to work, but it was fun. Jarrod is super good at decorating. He is very mathematical and precise about things being centered, etc. Then we super cleaned the whole house for almost two hours. I am so glad to have a clean house. It sure did hurt though. I actually sat down and cried, but then again I am a big baby so that is no suprise. Then we went to dinner w/ Jarrod's parents, grandparents, Tivany, Warren, Freddy, Kristina and kiddos. Freddy and Kristina came out for the baby's birth. I am so glad they are here, I totally enjoy Kristina's company and it had been almost a year since we had seen our nephews. So it's nothin' but fun times for the next few days. Except for the part of getting my gut cut open. That I am a little nervous about but well I will save that for another day.

Happy Sunday!!!!

Oh happy day!

Today turned out to be a really good day. My mom forced me out of the house to get a manicure and pedicure. That is soo relaxing. I really did not want to go, but I made myself anyway. The lady who does it is so sweet and cute and funny and it was just cool as always to spend time with my mom. I think being pregnant has made me so much more attached to her. She is so giving, but I do worry sometimes she is giving so much of herself and she needs to keep a little for her. Then we shared a zesty turkey panido from Jack in the Crack. That was soooo yummy. I highly suggest everyone trying one! MMMMMMMM and we went to the Saturn dealership cuz Jarrod wanted to know the price of the Saturn version of an SUV (he is determined for me to be an SUV driver.....) which is called "VUE" and are about $20,000 new. WOA lots o money even tho most SUV's are more than that. Then we went to Denton to visit my Grandma who is such a delightful person to be around although she is caring for my dying grandpa 24 hours a day. It is so sad watching him slowly suffer and forget everyone and not be in reality anymore. It is so depressing. I am really amazed how well my grandma is doing. She is so sweet, I am so lucky to have such a sweet granny poo. Anyway MOOSH MOOSH. Then Jarrod and I had dinner w/ our friends Cindy and Tom at Abuelo's *YUUUUUM*. It was such a nice dinner. Great conversation and they are just really cool people to be around. She made me feel good saying she was anxious for me to clean her house again. Their first reaction when we walked in.... "you are humungous!"..... and I am! haha. Tonight after we got home I got to talk to my semi long distance friend, Jana, and my very long distance friend Kimmy. It was cool to talk to both of them, so that was a good ending of a day that turned out so much better than it started out. Night night for now.........

someone call the waaaahmbulance

Seen the movie the KID? I love that chubby little boy he is so adorable! He reminds me sorda of my brother when he was little. It is so sad that other kids are so mean to chubby kids cuz they don't get it that chubby kids are the cutest ones!!! Anyway I am feeling very waaaaaaaaah today. I am hot. I am dizzy, I am nauseous. I am so nervous about being a mom. I am so guilty for being a jerk to Jarrod. I feel like I weigh 500 pounds. I am so tired and grumpy and just want to go back to sleep but I have plans today and it is supposed to be fun so I need to suck it up. I want to know how do people make it through pregnancy when they have a kid already??? Seems impossible. Well Have a good day....... I wish I had more interesting stuff to say. XOXO

effects of pregnancy

For those of you who want to have a baby or are about to, let me tell you about the ninth month of this beautiful experience. The baby is so large that even if you are a chubby girl like me u can see the baby moving around in your stomach. The movements are so large it is really neat and makes you so curious about seeing the baby for the first time soon. Now for the bad stuff. Have you ever had heartburn? It is horrid feeling. The belly gets to be bigger than a basketball, I would say and it is also hard like a basketball, so it is not just like being fat and squishy, you can't move around it. It is hard to shave your legs after a certain point. Painting your own toenails is pretty much out. Sleeping is not comfort anymore. I sleep with five pillows and I still barely get a few hours some nights, because no matter what my back has piercing pains. My hips hurt, my arms fall asleep easily. When I turn from side to side my stomach contracts, as in the whole thing gets rock hard and hurts to the point you can just lay there and wait for a few seconds til it goes away. As of today I have 9 days until my scheduled C Section. I am not too scared yet. I am anxious to get a normal type body back, and I am anxious to take care of a baby. I am scared of how things will change in me and Jarrod's relationship, but I am praying for the best. I am looking forward to exercising again in a few weeks. The more I have read about what can happen after vaginal birth, the more that I am glad I am having a surgical birth. I am not upset at all about not "experiencing childbirth". I think I will be a good mom anyway, no matter how my child comes into the world. So here I go on the countdown..........

ugh

I am depresed. Jarrod did not get "the job". They are supposedly using someone within the company to fill the position now. That is after two weeks of stringing us along and interviewing him four times! I am sort of mad at a lot of people. Why not list them out? Jarrod's uncle and boss would not give him a half day off to try the job out like they wanted him to. So it is his fault partly in my opinion. Or it is probably just not meant to be but I am bummed out about it nonetheless. Then I am at my mom's house all day and I am helping Franky make phone calls about court etc. He skipped his possession of marijuana court date so we were trying to find out what he should do now. Well he HAS to go to jail. There is no way around it. So I am sad for him and worried about him and irritated he didn't listen to my parents earlier and do something about it. Then Jarrod's dad wants us to co-sign on an electric bill. We said no which got Jarrod a huge guilt trip. I just don't understand how someone can ask their CHILD for money. We would be reliable for a full year if we cosigned. And Jarrod's dad was so NOT understanding when Jarrod said no. And it wasn't just NO, it was after a few days of agonizing over it. We just have to watch out for ourself sometimes. Ugh.... Also I went to the DR yesterday and my blood pressure was up some and I am swollen, but not too bad. So they hooked me up w/ machines to monitor the baby and took my blood which the nurse sucked at taking blood and I almost passed out. Anyway I didn't get to find out the results yet but I am just moody and depressed. I am probably fine. I only have two weeks (from today) til the C Section anyway. I am just disappointed about the job mostly. I was so hoping that we could have insurance and Jarrod could have an opportunity to move forward. I know I have to trust God and remember that he has his reasons for everything. Today just sucks!!!

nut N honey

Not much going on it seems like. Nothing I have thought to journal about. I am about ready to pop this alien baby out of my belly. My back hurts and I am uncomfy constantly. I told my mom thank God only 18 days til I am out of this bad mood. She said JUST WAIT! Haha. So I am nervous about breastfeeding and waking up and taking care of another human being. My friend told me her baby almost drown the other day when she turned around for five seconds. Her baby is almost 3 yrs old. She is also a very attentive mom so it shows that anything can happen. SCARY. Tonight is Jarrod's keg party. Hopefully we get enough diapers for the first month. If not oh well I am just glad Jarrod will be getting some attention for once since I know he is so excited about Mahna and has been put on the back burner for a few months now and everything is about his pregnant wife and soon to be born baby. We still don't know for sure if he will get the new job. He has had an interview w/ three different people so far. They have all but scared him to death over how "stressful and difficult" the job is. I don't know if they want him to run away or what! The main discussion that still hasn't happened is PAY, which hopefully will happen Tuesday or Weds. They are going to have him come in for a couple hours and just watch what they do and sort of try it himself, so he can see if he can handle it. I really just want him to be happy and maybe a little more challenged. I do know there is a line between being challenged and being absolutely stressed out. I feel like my old job got to me too much and changed how I was toward family and husband and myself. So I don't want him to have to cross that line......... even for us to have health insurance. I am enjoying us getting along awesomely and everything being so smooth. I am scared to death of baby coming and our relationship changing. I am also scared of a job taking over his brain and changing us. I guess I should have titled this blog "scared of change" haha. Well happy weekend! Thanks to those of you who read and also those who comment! XOXO Caroline

'bout time for an update uh huh uh huh

I always leave ya hangin don't I? Sorry. I honestly tried to blog yesterday but the blogger website wouldn't work for me. OOh hold on the mail just came. Oh well nothing exciting. Yes, I am bored! I slept until 10:30 today. There were many awake times in between when I went to bed, too, though.

Jarrod's job interview went great. They basically offered him the job. Pay still hasn't been discussed, and they want him to come work a half a day to see how he likes it first. So it looks like his "diaper/keg party" next Friday night will also be a possible celebration of the new job. I am so excited. I am also paranoid for something bad to happen.

I went to the DR on Tuesday and scheduled my c section for AUGUST 31st. That way she won't be sharing her bday w/ any family members, and she will be able to start kindegarten when she is five instead of six, if she is ready. The doctor says that after 37 weeks the baby is full term, so at that point I will be 38 1/2 weeks. As of right now I am so sick of the heat and it is only Aug. 5. I also feel most of the time as if I can not breathe for her lil' booty pushing on my diaphragm. It is wierd when I came home from the DR I expected to be really excited, but I felt really depressed all day instead. I guess maybe knowing the end is coming and I won't get to feel her moving inside my belly anymore. Cutting the umbilical cord is like releasing her into the world without being able to protect her anymore...

On happier notes: Kendra and John arrived in Austin yesterday successfully! My mom was with them, and my dad and Anna went to meet them with a few pieces of furniture and the oh-so-important SHOWER CURTAIN. (anyone ever moved in a place and forgot they would need a SHOWER CURTAIN? haha... bet you have!) SO I am anxious to hear how things are going w/ them. If all goes as planned there will be a "welcome to Texas party" for Kendra and John next Sunday at my parents house. So there are two invites in this BLOG entry. To Jarrod's Diaper Keg Party next Fri night at our house(bring a pkg of diapers, drink some tasty beer!) and the welcome to Teyhaus par-T on Sunday afternoon at my parent's house.

Have a great day!!!!!!!
Caroline

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers...

No, I am not singing this Garth Brooks song tonight. Today I am so excited because Jarrod had an interview with a new company. He may be getting a job where he does not drive anymore. He would be a dispatcher for a different courier company, and a boss over 27 people. The job will take 6 months of training just to learn it! He will get paid vacation and insurance, which he has never had with a job. It would be such an awesome opportunity for him and for us. I am so anxious for him to get it, I can hardly stand it. And it isn't even about money. It is about him having a job where he feels needed and probably would not dread going every day. I so want him to be happy with what he "does" and he has been talking for so long about having a job where he just drives to work and parks his truck instead of driving his truck 180-200 miles a day and spending $125 a week on gasoline. He has been wanting a "normal job" and I think has always believed he would not get one until he gets his GED and goes to college or something, although he still hadn't figured out 'what he wanted to do'. He has been in the courier bizness 5 1/2 years now, so he really knows a lot about it and the company he is with now is not moving him up or around in any good ways. I just am so excited and hopeful. I am probably getting my hopes up too much, which is always bad, but I can't stop it now, it is too late. He had his first interview today and they want him to come for two more interviews. The next one is on Tuesday, so I will be praying like crazy until then and appreciate anyone else doing the same.

Thngs 2 Lk Frwrd 2 & Thngs 2 B nrvs about

I am looking forward to seeing my neices all day today, but I am nervous that they will drive me nuts. I am so much moodier the last couple days than I have been lately. That is NOT a good thing. I feel myself getting irritable about the dumbest stuff and I am like ok chill out Caroline there is nothing to be mad about. I am also looking forward to having dinner w/ Jackie tonight. I see her maybe 2-3 times a year and always enjoy our conversations. I am nervous I won't be friends w/ people anymore who dont have kids cuz they will think it is annoying that I have a kid. :( I am looking forward to the baby being born, but I am sad I won't be pregnant anymore. I have over a month to enjoy it and appreciate all the things I will enjoy about having my body to myself again (sort of). I am getting lots of advice lately about the realities of life w/ baby, and life w/ toddler etc. It is keeping me in check I think, because I really have been all ga ga loopy excited about her coming and I know I am gonna get slapped in the face. It will actually be good to have people to say "I told you so".