no phone no phone

I have been getting calls that I have not returned. I don;t mean to be like that I just stay so bizy. Sorry if u have called me and I haven't got back to u yet. My cuzin is in town and we went shopping w/ his wife and two kiddos today. It was fun. It is hard to take Mahna shopping. I had to feed her in the bathroom a couple times. She needed attention pretty much the whole time we were there so I didn't get to look at much. It was still fun tho. Franky got out of jail today. I dont know why but my parents were on their way to pick him up tonight. We thought he wouldn't get out until his court date over a week away. My mom is sick. I hope she doesn't have the flu but I think she does... I cleaned Evelyn's yesterday. It was good to see her. My mom babysat Mahna and I got the cleaning done super fast. I was very hesitant to leave her but then it was sort of okay to be away for a couple hours. I don't want to turn into a complete psycho about not ever being separated from her. Well sorry so boring lately not much interesting to say I guess.

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well

I guess no one cared about my drama. I didn't even get an anonymous judgemental comment. Hee hee.

Well visiting Franky was fun but short. Having Kendra here was really cool and made me wish we could all just move back in my parents house so we could hang out all the time. I am sure my parents would love that. haha.

Mahna is a cutie pie. I just love her to death. She seems to bring joy to everyone's face when she is around.

Jarrod is getting extra work at night and saturdays so we can save up for a house. Only about 6 months or less til Casey gets out of jail. We will probably stay with him a little while after he gets out though.

TACO TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rat a tat tat

I started cleaning houses again this week. The first was Thursday and went pretty well. It took 5 hours instead of 4 because of feeding Mahna, but overall she was pretty good. There is a big flight of stairs at this house which wore me out after a while, but it felt good to be doing some form of exercise. At night tho my c section incision started hurting and I could feel something poking out under the skin so I started freaking out thinking I had hurt myself by going back to cleaning too soon. Well Friday I had a house that was only supposed to take 3 hr but it took four because of feeding Mahna and she was a little crankier. This one really wore me out cuz there are so many floors to mop in it. I was really sore by the time I left there. I called the DR to see if I should be worried and the nurse said that the pokey thing I felt under my skin was the sutures holding my insides together and not to worry it would dissolve ina couple weeks. She also said that if my incision hurts I should slow down, I am doing too much. So okay, I will slow down Saturday thru Weds. when I have another house to clean. No problem. I really like having Mahna with my while I clean a house. I can't really stand to be away from her, it makes me miss her so much. I do have moments though where I am annoyed because I am all into cleaning and I have to stop and go sit and feed her or just hold her for a minute. I try to keep my annoyance in check because I know she will only be a baby such a short while and I will miss her smallness and dependence on me....... Ugh it makes me sad to think of her growing up already!

Well Franky is doing fine in jail. He has a private ]cell so I am glad he can't get beat up. He has court Nov 1st so that is not too too long and he will probably get a year probation. I have only known one person who went on probation and passed it without going back to jail. That is my husband. Everyone else I know has screwed it up. I hope Franky will do good tho.

I kicked one of Jarrod's friends out of our house last night. He is such an idiot. He is literally the stupidest most pitiful person I have ever met. I know that sounds totally cruel and all I can say is you have to meet the guy. He hits his wife occassionally.... that usually makes people not like him right off. The thing is he comes over and he can be decent and tolerable but once in a while he wants to drink a whole bottle of whiskey and that is retarted in itself. I don't know why but he is just a person who can't have a casual beer and play cards or watch sports or just hang out. It is either get fall down literally brain dead drunk or nothing. Jarrod can't stand it either but he likes the sober part of his friend, so he lets him keep coming back. Plus they have been friends since 5th grade. I just think he is selfish and arrogant. Well last night he went to the bathroom and grabbed the towel rack to hold himself up and feel down and broke it and peed on the floor. This is so freaking pitiful am I not right? Maybe a few years ago I would think it was funny but not now. Then Jarrod was in the process of taking him out to his car (so his wife could drive him home) and he knocks over my shelf on the wall with my willow tree figurine with a mom, dad and baby off the wall. It didn't break but an ornament did. I was just too fed up and pissed off so I got off the couch and screamed some profanities at him and told him to get out. Nice huh> here is the real caroline cussing and freaking out. Well I didn't care I just wanted him to leave and he did. Enough drama for ya?

Today Kendra is here so I am gonna get a shower and go over to my parents for the day. I think we are going to do crafty stuff like scrapbooking, cardmaking, journaling and quilting. I am looking forward to it but I will miss being with Jarrod like I am used to on Saturdays. I am glad Kendra is here tho. I have been looking forward to it all week. Tonight we are probably goign to go visit Franky in jail and then go to my grandma's for dinner. She lives right around the corner from the jail.

I am feeling better by the way. I am short on sleep but that is nothing new. Sinuses are getting better and I still sound like pee wee herman but I don't feel so crappy anymore. Yippee! Thanks for asking, sarah! By the way email me the link to your blog cuz I don't know it anymore!!!!!! Love ya all! Caroline

physically sick and heart sick

I am physically sick because of someone being careless while they were sick. It just makes me even more aware of washing my hands and trying not to spread germs. I am praying for this sickness to leave quickly because on top of having no sleep, having to take sinus medicine is insanity. I want sleep and I want to be able to breathe.

I am heart sick because my brother turned himself in Saturday and is in Denton County jail now. You can see his mugshot thru the "look up your fave criminal" on my side menu. I am just heartbroken seeing his face as a mugshot. He is my little brother, my little sweetie whose face I kissed a million times. Who was our playmate...... Ugh. I am so sad. Sad for his hurt and loneliness and regrets and anger. Sad for not being able to rescue not just him but everyone I love and wish to make everything good for.

debate debate debateq

We just got done watching the debate. It seemed like a lot of the same stuff from the first debate. I enjoy watching it and actually do not get "bored" during the debates but sometimes do sort of zone out during the answers. I did not get to see the second debate but from the first one to this one I found it sort of amusing how they weren't so friendly to eachother as they were at the first one. It was actually more of a "debate" to me, this time.

Today I experienced truly what some stay at home moms must get so frustrated about. First I took Mahna to the DR at 10 a.m. only to wait for an hour to see the DR for 5 minutes. I drove through town with Mahna crying loudly in the back seat, where I could not reach her or calm her. Then I waited at the pharmacy for almost another hour and then left with no medicine because of a mistake with the insurance. Then I spent 90 minutes straight on the phone trying to straighten the situation out, besides changing diapers and feeding and fighting off a wasp in the baby room and cleaning up cat barf. Meanwhile I am dead tired from getting a total of 5 hours of sleep and therefor very cranky. I also have a big stack of dishes and a lot of laundry which I hoped to get done but by the time Jarrod got home I felt like I had not only accomplished nothing today, butwasn't even able to get the medicine for Mahna. It was not DIRE to get it, but still. Just a little frustrating.

On a different note, I had a great birthday. I got so many cool gifts. I was surrounded by my family all day and that was really great. We went to the Hibachi grill and Anna and I ate lots o' sushi, even raw quail eggs. haha. It was coolio. Good day that I didn't want to end. Oh and the coolest part was in the morning when I was laying in bed with Mahna and for a couple hours we just dozed in and out and made faces at eachother. She made my birthday special. My mommy also went to great legnths to make my birthday special by getting me an ice cream cake, balloons and taking me to do stuff all day.

Sorry so scattered, I am sleeeeeeeeeeeepy.
Tomorrow is margarita party day for the OU vs TX game! WOo hoo

Too Early For Water

I don't know about you but I can't drink water too early in the morning, after I awaken. For some reason the one thing that has no real taste or ingredients just tastes gross in the morning. Even after I have brushed my teeth haha. Today I am worried about Jarrod driving in the rain. His tires are bald and I know he will be sliding around on the highway as long as the roads are wet. I wish this rain would let up. I don't want to be losin' my baby daddy. This weekend we went to the FAIR and it was FUN. We ate yummy fair food and saw lots of hoochie mama african americans. It just happened to be the day there were two african american colleges playing at the cotton bowl, so we were the minority. It also took us 1 hr 45 min just to get INTO the fair b/c of traffic. honest, it really was fun tho. Stormy, Lonnie and Cory went with us, my parents watched Mahna, and she did just fine taking a bottle and being a little shweetie. Lucky them, cuz she was cranky head all morning for me. Well next week I am reassuming my role as a professional housekeeper. It has been a lovely break, but I do have the earthly desire for money and the security of it flowing in, not to mention the self worth of helping pay the bills. I do so enjoy being with my babycakes 24 hours a day, though, so I hope to work that with my work. Today I will attempt cleaning my own house to physically prepare myself for returning to my real world. I really wish this rain would quit though. GRRRRRRRRRRR. Tuesday is my burfday. I will be 25~! If I hadn't just had a kiddo and been quite distracted I would plan myself a party to have adult beverages with all the people I enjoy being around. Unfortunately my bday is tomorrow and I haven't planned anything. Haha. Oh well. I will be just as happy having a glass of champagne with my huz. My mommy bought me a new pair of tennis shoes for my bday. I can't wait to get them. They are Ryka, which were on the Oprah show so u know they gotta be sumthin! Seriously they feel really good and I am looking forward to starting exercise again very soon so it is cool to have a brand new pair of shoes. My feet GREW while I was pregnant. I know this is a normal pregnancy thing, but it still trips me out haha. Allrighty well Mahna is sleeping so I better take a little cat nap myself. XOXO Happy Monday.

Olan Mills

Today I was planning to take Mahna to get her picture taken at Olan Mills. Through all the millions of coupons I got from the hospital, there was a package of free pictures from Olan Mills. I figured since it was her one month bday today what a good thing to do. :) Well I lookd up Olan Mills.com and would you believe the closest one is 136 miles away in some town in Oklahoma!!!!!! crazy. Well I guess that gas money would not be worth the free pictures haha.

I can't believe it has been a month already. Now I am scared that time is going by too fast. I am such a spaz about that. I do spend lots of time holding her and playing with her, and since I am not working or goign to skewl right now it is all fun and games except for sleep deprivation, which isn't actually an everyday occurance, thank God.

I am looking forward to this weekend. It is sort of my "pre birthday" weekend. We are going to the state fair on Saturday. I love the Texas state fair. It is so fun to walk around checking out all the people, try to win prizes, and eat lots of yummy food. I probably won't do any RIDES this year, but that doesn't really bother me. I think for my actual birthday, next Tuesday, we are going to go to dinner at Jin Beh w/ my parents. That is a very cool and not too expensive hibachi grill. My mommy gets the privalege of babysitting Mahna this Saturday for the state fair and Jarrod's parents can watch her for my bday dinner.

Okay well she is awake and hungry so I better go! Thanks for reading!

6 days later

Okay, i have to get back in the blog saddle again! At least I made it less than a week. :) So did anyone see the news flash last night about the "danger of blogs and teens"? It was a good point they made. The news station was not knocking journals, just letting parents/ kids know that things written on the web can be permanent and u never know when someone might look up your blog 20 years down the road and hold your opinions and thoughts against you. I think the point they were trying to make was that if you became famous or a political or religious leader, you may not hold the same opinions as an adult as you did as a teen, so dont make them permanent on the internet.

Of course I have to give a little Mahna update. She has been sorda fussy lately so when she had her newborn well check today I asked the DR what to do to help her be happier and more comfortable. Apparently babies need a good balance of quiet alone time, and stimulation. So too much holding, passing around, TV, music, noises........ all day long lead to a tired grumpy nighttime baby. So right now I am letting her sit still in her room to get happy for her daddy who won't be home til 8 tonight, cuz he is out makin extra $$$. The DR also said that she is totally healthy and is growing wonderfully! That makes me very happy. I knew she looked chubbier but it is good to hear a DR say she is proud of me for how well I am doing with breastfeeding. Some people may not know how challenging breastfeeding can be at first. I am just glad to be past the first two weeks. I sure love our alone time together. It is a cool thing to know I am making food for her! So wierd!

Okay well that is all for today. Have a good one!

is it really FRIDAY already?

Man time does fly. I feel like I have lost track of days since Mahna has been born. In a way it's like oh she is only two weeks old, but in another way it seems like OH MY GOSH SHE IS ALREADY two weeks old. So anyway........ Yes I am obsessed w/ my babycakes and I don't think of much else besides her and Jarrod. I have been having off and on bouts of "postpartum depression". It is very confusing to feel very sad and have depressing thoughts going through my mind to the point of crying sometimes when I am the happiest woman on earth. It makes no sense at all and I hope it goes away very soon. It not only confuses me but people around me and especially Jarrod, so I am really wanting it to be GONE. It isn't constant, just occassional but DAILY and that sucks. Okay enough whining. As for Mahna Grace she is beautiful and getting more alert by the day, staying awake longer between meals. I think her eyes are getting more focused on things now as she has seemed to notice some of her toys and when she looks at me it seems like she is really looking at me. When we are home alone I enjoy holding her as much as possible. I know that when we go out places I will not hold her at all because everyone wants a piece of this lil bundle. Last night was my gma's bday and she had a housefull of kids, grandkids, great grandkids... she had so much fun. People brought TONS of food and it was yummmmmmmmmmmEEEEEEEEE. Anna didn't get to go cuz she has strep and couldn't be around babies or the other kids for that matter until this morning when her meds took full effect. I felt bad for her but she stayed at our house w/ Jarrod all night and ended up having a lot of fun, so it all worked out. Today is Tom's memorial service at 2:00. Kendra should be here at any time, so I am looking forward to going over to my parents house to hang out w/ my cuz, gma, auntie and sister until Jarrod picks Mahna and I up for the service. Well have a good day and take care! Happy weekend to everyone. CAROLINE

apples and oranges

I am eating an apple and orange for breakfast. I would have opted for the easier version of CEREAL but there's no milk in da fridge. A week from today I should be able to DRIVE again, yippee.

Yesterday my grandpa Tom passed away, on "grandparent's day". :( I am so sad that I can't talk to him anymore, but it has been a while since I could really talk to him anyway. He got to see Mahna, so that is cool. Cancer is so confusing. It is like once a person goes on Hospice, you know they will die, but then it is like well maybe any day now he will wake up and have another chance and I can talk to him again... I feel really sad for my grandma. That was probably her last "companion".....

I also met Franky's room mate, Kace, yesterday. He is the one who wrecked my video camera and doesn't have the $ to fix it. Grr. I am sort of over that, though. It was good to meet him cuz Franky has known him and semi lived w/ him for a little while. Franky insisted that he had to come outside and meet Mahna. Franky loves her so much, it is so cute.

I am looking forward to the few family members who are coming in from Kansas City this weekend. It will be cool to see my aunt and my cuzins and of course KENDRA. :)

Have a good Monday. Mahna and I will be going to the hospital for a PKU whatever that is, today. It is just 'routine' for a two wk old kiddo. I can't believe she will be 2 wks already. Time is flying too fast!

XOXO

Saturday

Well we made our first official family trip to Walmart today. And of course, Mahna screamed most of the time, so that was appropriate. It would have been a perfect walmart trip if we were also beating her going thru the store. haha. Sorry inside joke. Okay well anyway today was groovacious. Mahna let me sleep twice last night for four hours each time and that was great. Then an hour after I got up my parents came over and my dad showed us how to record off his video camera. Mahna was sweet and enjoyable as always. Then Jarrod and I went to Cero's Heroes in Grapevine and got a super tasty sub. We drove to the lake an dhad a little picnic then ended up walking around Walmart. That is where I grocery shop, so I go there often, but Jarrod never comes and today he did so that was cool. Then Jarrod's mom watched Mahna while we went to our friends bday party. It was fun to go out and to be able to drink a beer. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT mostly I just missed mahna the whole time and I didn' t know what to do with myself. It was a wierd feeling. I am so attached to my baby cakes. I am glad that Jarrod's mom got to spend some time w/ her tho. My mom was kind of bummed she didn' tget to bbsit but hopefully she won't hold it against me. :) Well then we came home and Jarrod was in a cleaning mood so we did some cleaning and that was coolio. So anyway I am dead tired now so more later. ADIOS

"when you're down, look at a clown"

Anyone know what movie that quote is from??? Popquiz!!!!!!

well I was thinking of writing a pity party blog because I have the blues going on today. But once long ago someone gave me the treasured advice to make a list of things I am thankful for if I start feeling sorry for myself. (I have also been given the advice to pray for other people when I feel bummed).

So here is my list:

I am thankful for me and Jarrod's baby. I am so thankful that I get to be a mommy, for I know not everyone gets to. I am thankful that my brother wanted to come hang out w/ me today and wants to spend the weekend w/ my family. I am thankful that we live in a house w/ cheap rent and that we might be able to get a house of our own in the next year or so. I am thankful that I had a successful and healthy pregnancy. I am VERY thankful that the pain of my C Section is finally starting to subside. I am thankful that Mahna is healthy and happy and oh so cute. I am thankful my cats have not given us a hard time or got in Mahna's face or anything freaky. I am thankful that both of my sisters fell in love w/ my daughter. I am thankful that things smoothed out w/ us and Jarrod's parents and I am actually sort of thankful that Jarrod did not get that job he was trying for. (is it ok to be sort of thankful?) I am thankful that my grandma made the effort to come spend the day w/ me yesterday despite her circumstances. I am thankful for my husband and his strong sense of family.

Okay well thanks for listening. I must say I feel better now! Glad I didn't mope it out on the blogger. XOXO
Caroline

And I Fear........

One of the bestest Sarah Mclachlan songs ever is "FEAR". Just thought I would say that. I am thinking of my fears today. I am here tonight, momentarily, to journal my fears.

I am afraid for a mosquito to bite my baby. I am afraid to fall asleep feeding her and drop her. I am scared to go back to cleaning houses and still be breastfeeding. I am scared my husband might get cancer someday and die slowly like my Grampa Tom is now. I am scared for time to go by too quickly and Mahna to be grown up too fast. I am scared for my brother to go to jail. I am scared for someone I won't mention by name and their blind addiction. I am afraid for my friend who seems to always be unhappy. I fear for changes in relationships and things that are unknown. I am scared I may never want to finish college now that I have my beautiful Mahna.

The end... or all I could think of for now.

No complaints YET

I guess I am still in La La land. I know, it has only been a week, but it seems like a long time. I am anxious to get HEALED from the surgery and get back on my feet. I love being strapped to my house though, cuz i could just sit and hold her all day long until Jarrod gets home and I will share her a little bit. :) I am just so happy and I am waiting for the bubble to burst. Any day now I just know she is going to turn into a screamer. So far so good, though. Jarrod has been super cool, complimenting me on doing a good job. He is so in love w/ Mahna and I totally enjoy watching him love her. Moosh moosh moosh. :)

Sad things too...... my papa is in the hospital in Amarillo and may have to have a leg amputated. It is so sad, but he is a strong old man and will be okay, I just hate to think of him being lonely out there and contemplating losing a leg.

My other grandpa Tom is bed bound and dying of cancer. He is just skin and bones and when I took Mahna to see him yesterday he didn't recognize us. It is so sad to watch and I know that my grandma's heart must be so broken by losing another man that she loves. I am glad they had 5 years together though. She is a strong woman, too.

Off the wall but there is a stupid commercial that just irritates me so much! It is for sw airlines I think and this little boy is talking to his grandpa and he says "grampy I won the game!" his grandpa says i wish I could have been there and the little boy says, "me too cuz that is what you said at christmas and my birthday and when my baby sister was born and at halloweeen........." Oh my gosh I have heard that dumb commercial so many times and it is so STUPID> UGH quit calling him GRAMPY!!!!!!!! hahahahhahhaha

Have a happy random day! XOXO

all day everyday

My life is like revolved around Mahna all day every day. I hardly remember what day it is or care what time it is except for if it has been the amount of hours it is supposed to be to feed her again. i love this so much. I know it has only been a few days, but it is cool to have a reason and purpose that is just so amazing. I am not tired of staring at her or feeding her or listening to her sounds. I love it that people want to come over all the time to see her and hold her. So many people love her already. I love to see Jarrod staring at her or kissing her. It is enjoyable to change her diapers and hear her noises and put pajamas on her. I want to freeze time and keep her just like she is right now. TOnight Kendra got to come over w/ my mom and Anna and she held her for soo long, it was very cool to see Kendra happy about her too. Each and every person in both our families and our friends who hold her, stare at her and love on her puts a different special feeling in my heart. That is it, I am obsessed. I have become what I once didn't really understand and thought was annoying.

home

It is nice to be home. My mom told me on the drive from the hospital back home that I wouldn't miss the hospital once I was back at home and she is right. I really liked the nurses and enjoyed my stay at the Medical Center of Lewisville, but I am happy to be at home with my kitties and especially Jarrod. He stayed the night every night at the hospital, but it was such a small amount of time compared to how much I was awake there. I just couldn't relax all the way and take my eyes off Mahna. The drive home was a little nerve wracking. I was so scared that someone was going to hit my mom's van. Thank God I only live five minutes from the hospital. My mom has been so awesome, taking care of everything for me constantly. She was at the hospital almost all day everyday with me. I feel like crying when I think about how happy she is and how much time she sacrificed lately. Thank you to everyone who came to visit me at the hospital. It can be a lonely place, and you all made it a good memory. Well I am pretty tired and loopy now so ask me questions if there is stuff u want to know and don't know. Love ya! Caroline

eeeeeeeeeek

I am nervous about tomorrow. I can't believe it is here already. I am excited though, too and I can';t wait to see me and Jarrod's lil baby and to see him hold her. I will be at Lewisville Hospital until Friday afternoon, so if you want to come visit and meet Mahna, come on! :)

shout out

I would just like to give a shout out to Jana and Brent. Thanks for always reading my blog!! It makes me feel very good to know that you care what I have to say! :)

Today has been a pretty cool day over all. Here i am blogging at 1:45 in the morning and I am not tired yet. I enjoy staying up all hours of the night when I have the freedom to do so. I am sure I won't like it so much when it is a have to situation. Who knows though. I have no clue what it will be like bringing Mahna home. Jarrod put the bassinet together tonight and it is in our room now. It is so hard to imagine there will actually be a little tiny person in there in another week. I only have Sunday, Monday and part of Tuesday and this pregnancy is over, man. That is such a freaky thing. I knew eventually this day would come, but holy cow, is it really only a couple days now??? Jarrod and I rearranged our room today so the bassinet would fit next to my side of the bed. We had to rearrange every single piece of furniture drastically to get this to work, but it was fun. Jarrod is super good at decorating. He is very mathematical and precise about things being centered, etc. Then we super cleaned the whole house for almost two hours. I am so glad to have a clean house. It sure did hurt though. I actually sat down and cried, but then again I am a big baby so that is no suprise. Then we went to dinner w/ Jarrod's parents, grandparents, Tivany, Warren, Freddy, Kristina and kiddos. Freddy and Kristina came out for the baby's birth. I am so glad they are here, I totally enjoy Kristina's company and it had been almost a year since we had seen our nephews. So it's nothin' but fun times for the next few days. Except for the part of getting my gut cut open. That I am a little nervous about but well I will save that for another day.

Happy Sunday!!!!