Saturday, August 27, 2005

call it a mood swing


Here is a pic of me and Mahna at the lake... I wanted it on the post the other day but I had too many pictures already. That was just two weeks ago and she already seems older to me. She is at such a fun age right now, though. But I am thinking, considering Baby # Two. I know everyone says this, but I want them to be close in age, like Kendra and I are and be able to be playmates. Then I go back to the downside, of can two kids that close in age get enough ONE ON ONE attention??? So many choices... So much to think about. Mahna is sitting across the table from me right now singing "mama mama mama" and eating green beans and pasta. She has another ear infection, or more like the other one just didn't completely heal. She is good at taking her medicine, though. Thank goodness they make it TASTY.

Now for my mood swing:
I am sad because someone I know is dying soon, My uncle Kenn and he is going to leave my aunt becky very sad and very alone.

I am angry and hurt because someone I trust lied to me just yesterday and I don't even know if he realized what he did...And I am not sure I can bring it up without it turning into TOO big of a deal.

I am depressed when I think of the world being such a place of pleasure chasers.

I am scared and lonely when I feel like I am just a big loser and there will always be someone THROWING MY PAST IN MY FACE, therefor I am stupid to think that I can move on from it and be something bigger. In all actuality everyone still sees that I was who I was and always will be.

What is it that I WANT anyway??? I don't know. I expect too much and wear rose colored goggles and pity party more than necessary.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

pictures from recent days

the beach we "discovered" in Galveston. It is officially OURS now haha

My lovely sistahs!

My grandma's foster kittens. Anyone want one???
Mahna as a LAKE BABY!!! (Lewisville Lake)

Friday, August 19, 2005

thoughts on voyeurs

I have no idea if I spellt that write. haha. I have heard thru the grapevine that there are a few people who read my blog who don't comment. I knew it was true but it is always GREAT to hear that anyone is reading my blog! So spy on me all you want. Obviously if I am spilling my guts on the internet I am not being too secretive. Haha. Some days are more honest than others.

One time when I was maybe 11 or 12 I remember looking in my aunt/uncle's freezer for a snack and there was a ceramic container so I opened it and there was like a whole bunch of MONEY in it. I kind of wanted to take some, but I have always had a conscience. I thought that was pretty sneaky to hide it in the freezer tho. Who would ever look there? (unless they needed a snack)

I went "garage saling" w/ my momma and mahna today. Twas fun! We got Mahna tons of clothes and toys and books and movies. More than any one child ever really needs. Maybe I should have five more just to even out all the STUFF she owns. My parents are both very generous and doting on their granddaughter.

Jarrod came swimming w/ me and Mahna at my mom's house for his 2 1/2 hour lunch break. He has an awesome new route. It has really been fun to have him around during the afternoons (when I am not cleaning someone elses house). He and I were having competition swimming to the diving toys in the pool. He is much faster than me but I don't give up. And I figure one of these days his smoking will catch up with him and I will be the WINNER!!! My biggest drawback is that I never learned to hold my breath under water, so I am in a constant state of almost drowning, while playing in the deep end.

Off to Galveston tomorrow!! JOY JOY!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

no time?

I don't know why but when I sit down to blog it seems like it will take SO long, but if I JUST sat down to blog instead of reading emails and looking at my bank account it would probably take the same amount of time. I think of things to write in my blog all day long sometimes, but they are gone from my memory by the time I sit here.

Jarrod and I went to a hispanic church on Sunday. It was very interesting to say the least. I know that to say "it was interesting" is a very WHITE thing to say. Those people were so LOOSE and free and worshippy. They all take their kids in the service. They all hug and kiss and talk talk talk. Why are white people so stiff? Can I change my family background or must I just find a way to be proud of it? By this I do not mean my "personal family" just being white. ahha. At one point during the TWO hour service (because of baptism) I took Mahna out to change her diaper and give her a snack. At least three people came by in the lobby while we were just sitting there playing, and kissed her! I just love how family oriented and tight these people were. I wish I could go back every week but.......... it is almost an hour away. Maybe I will find another hispanic church closer to home. I figure it is about time to "find" a church I want to stick with since Mahna is almost one year old. I would like for her to go to Sunday school and meet other kiddos and learn bible verses, and the other things that were my foundation as a child. Jarrod doesn't want me to "force' her to go to church when she is a teenager, but heck I don't force him... not like I can force him to do anything. We will see when the time comes. I freely admit that my biggest fault is not having "stick-to-it-iveness". I only stuck with weight watchers 4 months, for instance..... But anyday now I will get back on the bandwagon. And any day now I will make up my mind to go to church every Sunday. Although I do talk to God all the time, so at least I am n ot that far off the map, that is until I go to church and feel like a stranger in a new school.

I am almost done with Memoirs of a Geisha. What an amazing story. If you ever wanted to know what a Geisha girl really is, well it tells you down to the last detail. They are not prostitutes by the way! I think I might dress as one for Halloween. I don't know what I am dressing Mahna as yet. She doesn't really CARE yet so I guess it is still up to me. Last year I was the pumpkin fairy and she was a pumpkin. Someone else came up with that idea and I thought it was purdy cute!

Well Jarrod should be home soon, so I should shower. I cleaned for 6 hours today (at someone else's house) and then went swimming at my mom's house. Mahna is napping. I just ate a piece of leftover frozen pizza. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. No good mail came today. Sniff Sniff. I need more pen pals. So this weekend we are going to Galveston and Mahna will be in the hands of my mom and grandma.... I am nervous to leave her for two days and overnight! I knwo they are very capable but it is still a frightening WHAT IF feeling. Next weekend we celebrate her first birthday!!! The weekend after we are going to Austin and San Antonio to visit Kendra for her big 24th bday and then Jana and her family. Yippee! Plans!

p.s . Mahna's newest word is "OUT" she wants to get OUT of everything even if she really means IN. She is just so proud to be saying a word so clearly!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

poor babykins

Poor Mahna. She got another fever last night after I blogged... and was up and down all night. The highest one was 202.6. That freaked me out but the "book" said it is normal and okay. So I gave her tylenol rock rock rock and hold her poor little hot body crying and throwing herself around because she is SO tired... Jarrod slept on the couch so he could get some sleep to get up for work. I think he slept better than he has in a while, so I probably really should work on getting her into her crib and out of our bed. I just keep thinking "one more night.....". Anyway. I took her to the DR and she has a double ear infection and a little cold. So she is sleeping now then we will make our trek to Wally world for her medicine.

I am on ch. 9 of Memoirs of a Geisha. The main character is about 12 yrs old now and has been a maid in the okiya for over two years. She just got word that her parents are both dead now and has started making steps toward a better life for herself instead of slavery as a maid. She met a Geisha who told her about reading her "charts" which I guess is like astrology, so she can know when to do certain things like it tells you if today would be a good day to move, date, etc. I also finally figured out that the book takes place in Gion in 1929. I had been wondering what year it was supposed to be about.

Jarrod and Casey both have jet ski's now. Casey bought one yesterday. They also both have long lunch breaks during the day. Casey has been coming home from noon to four then going back to work til 8 but now Jarrod changed routes so he is home from about 12:30 til 3 and then back to work until 7pm. They both leave around 9 in the mornings...

More pictures soon, I have to go READ now since Mahna is still sleeping....

Monday, August 08, 2005

just life

Life is just going along....... so fast. Mahna is almost a year old and it makes me want to cry. Her life and mine together are going to fly by and I just love her so much and try to treasure every moment, but sometimes I look back at her newborn pictures and think can't I just have a few minutes of that back to REALLY glue it into my memory? I have always had such a bad memory(ASK NIKKI OR KIMMY) and well I just am thankful to have a camera and video camera to save as much of the memories as I can.

I have tried to blog about three days in a row now with no luck....... baby keepin me hoppin. She woke up w/ a runny nose and fever today. First fever ever. It sort of freaked me out. But I read in "what to expect the first year" (at 6 a.m. I might add) that most fevers are no big deal and can be reduced easily with tylenol and cool air. So I took off her pj's, gave her a popsicle in front of the a/c and a little tylenol. It was gone in 30 minutes. whew! I just always hear about people taking their kids to the e.r. when they have fevers, so I didn't know if that is what I was supposed to do....

I am very engrossed in a book right now. I am on chapter 6 I think...... It is called "Memoirs of a Geisha". I can't explain how intrigueing this book is but I don't see how it wouldn't catch anyones attention if they gave it about 20 minutes.

Okay Mahna is crying for me......more later.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

more pictures!






First picture is our kitty SCOUT as a "nun". He didn't like it much.

then close up of Mahna, Mahna in my parents pool, Mahna "talking" on my cell phone (SO CUTE!!!!!) and the jet ski we might possibly buy! I hope it runs and all that jazz, that would be so fun to get up on saturday and go to the lake! It is a 1988. 17 years old........

Thanks for peekin! I promise to write more soon.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

picture time!


The picture of Jarrod pointing to his mouth, he was saying "why do u always kiss your dolls and the duck, but not me???"

The one of her by the water machine is where she goes to "hide" at my mom's house.

The one in the car seat is her "mean face" which she makes all the time.

Monday, July 25, 2005

3 kids and a lemonade stand

Yesterday I had my neices over for about ten hours. This was not a planned thing, as they were supposed to be visiting Casey, but he has no idea how to entertain them. SO I am their choice and I took on the challenge. It started out as a conversation between Katherine (9 yrs) and I on the way to WallyWorld. She wants her own room, separate from her 6 yr old sister, but can't move into her grandparents spare room until she gets the things she needs to decorate it. This includes paint ($20), a new bedspread ($30), and a TV stand ($?). So I mentioned that she should offer to do little chores for people for a dollar or two here and there and she could save up pretty easily. Then I spouted out "or u could have a lemonade stand......" Well let's just say my day was pretty much over then. I would spend the next couple hours getting lemonade, borrowing a cooler, helping make a poster, getting Mahna down for a nap and listening to. I wonder how much money we will make, we should do this, we should say that, when is Mahna waking up, why does she have to sleep so long why can't she just sleep at the lemonade stand, is it almost time to go, i hope I make lots and lots of money........ Let me just say non stop talking. It is cute, though, of course, just amazing what nonstop one sided conversation can do to turn your stress level up a notch or two. We had fun though. Our original intention was to go to Central Park where there is ALWAYS a hundred million people. Um, not yesterday, maybe it was because by the time we got there it was 5:30 pm or maybe it was because it was 98 degrees? Who knows but I went into panic mode. I thought I am NOT going thru all this crap again and starting over another day. WE MUST FIND A PLACE TO SELL AT LEAST ONE CUP OF LEMONADE!!! Katherine says "where would people be on such a hot day"? DING DING DING a pool! Okay so we go by the aquatic center, but there is no where to really set up discreetly. So we drove to my parents neighborhood (Kendra can say it right "Wehhhhhhhhlington") and set up on the median between the community pool and neighborhoods. I think it warmed a lot of people's hearts to see a lemonade stand. Some people stopped and gave them their change or a dollar and didn't even want lemonade. Some lady went on and on about how hot she was from being at the lake. Lots of people came by walking their dogs, but none of them had change for lemonade. The girls offered to give THEM free lemonade. So after about 90 minutes of this, during which I sort of stayed back with mahna, the girl's faces were bright red and they had sweat covering their scalps. Still they say "five more minutes? We might get another customer!". Too cute. So we finally came back and they had millions more ideas to do before their grandparents finally came to get them around 9:30. Make a video, do a news report, put on a concert, paint, draw, wash the cars, play in the hose....... Meanwhile I pretty much had Mahna in my arm the entire time and today it is super sore. Oh well, it was fun and I am sure will be some kind of memory for my neices. 3 kids for me? Hmm I dunno about that. I think I like giving Mahna my full attention 95% of the time instead. But then again she really enjoyed watching everything the girls did...... pros and cons, pros and cons.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

no more AVON

I am no longer an "AVON" representative. I got fired for paying for stuff too late, like two months too late. BOy time does fly! Haha. Oops. That is very unlike me to do something like that. But it is very like me to go gung ho thinking I can be a sales person for some thing like pampered chef or avon and fail miserably. It's all good. That is just who I am and I accept it and don't hold it against myself.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

bad mood

bad mood
bad mood
bad mood

annoyed
last nerve

Sunday, July 17, 2005

My friend visits me! :)



Jana came from San Antonio! Yea! The pic on the right was Friday morning, Mahna and her 6 month old daughter Brooklyn. Isn't she a beauty??? The pic on the left was Friday night when she came to my house and her parents watched her kiddos. It was fun!!! Hopefully she can come back over again tonight or tomorrow.

Daddy and Baby


Here is Jarrod playing with Mahna at the condo. She likes to do this "balancing" thing on his hands.

trying to figure out how to post pictures....


Here is a picture of Mahna and I on the balcony of the condo we stayed at in Breckenridge. My mommy French braided my hair that first day and it looked very groovacious but you can't really tell. Mahna was in her PJ's that G.G. (great gma) made for her when she was just an itty bitty baby......... they still fit! Mahna wears like 3-6 month clothing still. Hope u like the picture. I will do some more.......

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

if u buy that I'll throw the golden gate in free.....

If u don't know that is a line from a country song. I don't know why I have it in my head!!! It says "I've got some ocean front property in Arizona, from the front porch you can see the sea, I've got some ocean front property in Arizona....If you buy that i'll throw the golden gate in freeeeee".

Well I am back from Colorado......... And from there being no missed calls, messages or comments while I was away, I see that no one missed me. Sniff sniff. Oh well. I had a grand ol' time with my fam damily. The weather was just awesome there. It is a whole different SUMMER. We would wake up around 8 to sixty degree temperatures and eventually it would work its way up to 80. Mahna got constant 24 hour attention the whole time from either my mom, sisters or grandma. I think I only had to bathe Mahna once out of 5 times while we were there. I am pretty sure she got even cuter while we were there, maybe it was the altitude. She makes a new face which Jarrod calls her "mean face". I will try to post a picture here in a minute.

Well a bunch of people just walked in my house so I lost concentration. Thanks for reading.....

Friday, July 08, 2005

jail birds and babies

Well Franky is still in jail. He hoped to get out Sunday for time served on the warrants he has but they wouldn't just take a phone call they want written signed letters from him and one of the places won't even give time served so he will have to pay like $120 before he gets out. Soo that sucks. I feel bad for him being lonely in jail. I knew it would happen eventually but it still sucks. He still has the most innocent eyes and I remember him as a lil kiddo.

I was waTching Mahna crawling around innocently nearby and playing adn looking at the fish and I got all into what I was writing and nex thing I know she is half way up the stairs. Thank you LORD that she didn't fall. She sure is bizy and fast and cute and fun. She giggles a lot and has a new kind of laugh which I can't describe, you will just have to hear it.

We are leaving for Colorado in a couple hours, so I better go get some mini bottles for the plane ride. Hee hee.

Love ya and I will update while in colorado if I can otherwise next weds ...............

Thursday, July 07, 2005

thursday's news

Hmmm not much exciting to say...... isn't that a great way to start a post. I woke up next to my babykins numerous times over the night. I slept lightly so I dreamed a lot. One dream was a vivid one about driving in the rain (ironic that it rained today and I drove in it) and I felt myself losing control of the car (my mustang) and I suddenly knew that I was about to be in a car wreck, I couldn't see and the car was spinning and spinning across a four lane highway (where, I don't know) but I was just praying the whole time that no one would hit me. It was so real feeling, so then the car goes over a hill and into like gravel/sand/mud. I feel it start sinking and I push the door open as far as I can and help my grandma out of the back seat of the car. It is sinking slowly so I am concentrating on getting my "things" out of my car, the backpack I take to the gym, Mahna's diaper bag (she was not with me) and I am t hinking of where I am going next and how I will tell this story.... very strange.

Today I spent a lot of the day on the phone. Insurance for the new car, cancelling satellite, getting info on paying Franky's court fine and what he owes Sally's. I am not paying this but he gave me money to do so w hile he is in jail, which he still is and I am planning to visit him tonight. It is a 20 min drive to Denton and 20 back for just 30 min to talk to him but I am guessing he is probably pretty bored and lonely by now. You just never know with him tho. he might be just fine. Did you k now that gay men get a private cell? So at least I don't have to worry about the scary things u hear about in jail. So thats that for now ya'll. Talk to u later.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

drama mama

Well Franky is still in jail. He was only supposed to do the weekend, but he had a couple warrants so now he has until July 24. Poor kiddo. Maybe it will help him somehow. I plan to visit him on Thursday. We leave for Colorado Friday night. I am looking forward to some cool mountain air and a vacation w/ my huz. He is fun on trips. Today was a very bizy day. I drove to drop Mahna w/ Tivany, drove to my parents to let the dawg out, drove to Las Colinas to clean a house, drove back to breastfeed Mahna at Tivany's house, drove back to my parents to let the dog out again, drove to Copper Canyon to clean another house, drove back to get Mahna, got a call that Jarrod was in a car wreck, met him at the house and drove him to the DR. He is okay, his back is just real tight feeling and he is in pain. We went to the new "Pain and Injury" clinic in Lewisville. They want to file the claim w/ insurance against the driver, etc. Jarrod just wants to know if his back is okay. He can walk and isn't like moaning in pain so I am guessing he is allright, but then again he is a MAN who doesn't let on all the time about pain. The car wreck was two cars rearending and then ramming into him and he was at a complete stop and saw it coming there for he tensed up. My parents are in Colorado having a grand ol' time. I had an awesome weekend hanging out w/ Kendra at my parents house, lots of swimming. She got me thinking about a triathalon. It sounds like a very scary word, but once she started explaining it to me and trying to talk me into training w/ her for one we could do together, I think it might be possible. The RUNNING part is what scares me. I think I could learn to bike, and swim, but RUN? I wish! We shall see. It is in my mind now. Thanks Kendra for pushing me further.....

Saturday, July 02, 2005

mahna is ten months old!

Holy cow can it really be that ten months have gone by!!! Goodness! She is so fun now. Not that she ever WASN'T. She has four little cute teeth, two top, two bottom. My mom told me it would change the way she looked and it really has! She is such a little cutie. Such a love bug too. She does this little shy thing when new people are around or people she hasn't seen in a while. While I am holding her she will lean her head on my chest and look up at the person. It is so cute. She also makes all kinds of cute little different sounds. She tries to immitate whatever we say like "Hi Anna". She says HI all the time and waves bie bie and loves to clap for any reason!

Thank God we are over that sickness. It was no fun at all. I thought I would have lost some weight eating just jello and boullion, but no such luck. I weighed in at weightwatchers this morning at the same weight I've been at for about two weeks. Oh well. At least I haven't gained anything. I need to get back on track like seriously. I am doing pretty good today. I think eating lots of salad is the key to it all. I really want to get down to a cute little size so I can wear all the clothes that I like. Kendra and me went to a couple stores in Grapevine mills yesterday and I realized how much bigger I am than a lot of girls and that I am just entirely too huge for my height. Please don't comment "u look fine" or "i don't think ur fat" because that is not my purpose of writing this. :) Thanks anyway tho. Thankfully Mahna is pretty good at the gym babysitting room these days so I can work out about 3 times a week at least for an hour. There is a new older woman working there which I really do not like at all and would love to tell her off for telling ME how to be a mom, but I will continue being nice as hell to her because I learned very quickly that if someone is watching your kid you definately don't want them mad at you!

My parents and gma and anna are in Colorado right now which is a big bummer. I really don't hang out w/ friends, just my mom and gma and sister so it is like my social circle going on vacation. Jarrod, Mahna and I do get to join them for a couple days next week though. That should be relaxing. I wonder how Mahna will do on the plane ride this time.

Wow I forgot to mention that Jarrod bought TWO CARS the other day! KIA was having some special on Kia Rios. There were like 5 on the lot that were totally bare as in no A/C or radio, much less power anything, including steering. $5800 for a brand new car which gets much better gas mileage than his truck does. Being a courier really SUCKS during these days of ridiculous gas prices, in case I never mentioned that before. So the money saved in gas will actually pay for the car plus some. Now u want to know why he bought TWO. Well Casey didn't have the credit so Jarrod got him one also in his name. Pretty nice brotherly thing to do if I may say so myself.

In TV news, I probably won't have much TV news in the near future because we are cancelling our satellite to save money. So I won't get to watch RESCUE ME on FX on Tuesdays anymore or Law and Order SVU marathons.... Or PUNK'D. I guess I will just have to have tv night at the neighbors! :) At least "The Biggest Loser" is starting up again soon. That is on a public channel. I swear, I am really not a TV junkie, I just have a couple that I am sorda into. Hey, I am a housewife! What do you expect!!!!!!!!!! (Are there women cringing out there at me saying that?)

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

bout time yo

well mahna and i have been sick as hell for the last few days. i think it might finally be breaking. i never saw anything so pitiful as her barfing her guts up. it is so wierd with a baby, because they just puke, no warning or anything. I never wanted my mommy to come take care of me so much. Unfortunately she was busy taking care of my brother and out with my gma. I couldn't really bring myself to ask her anyway cuz then she would probably get sick and it would ruin her vacation coming up. I am supposed to be cleaning tomorrow but I don't know if I can yet. I had a fever tonight but now it is feeling like it is gone. I am watching my fave show right now RESCUE ME on FX. I gotta take care of my cranky baby now so talk to u later. sorry so boring.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

ho hum

I am depressive lately I don't know what my prob is but it is getting on my own nerves. I think it could have to do w/ not eating right or exercising. Anyway I just feel like watching Donnie Darko and listening to Mad World over and over. Ho hum.

I have had a mini vacation at my parents house this weekend while Jarrod is in Virginia. I stayed here two nights and am going to my gma's tonight. Don't ask me why it is myhouse is too depressing to go home to. Everything is depressing to me lately. Pity pity.

My parents pool sure is fun and feels GOOD. Mahna has gotten to really like it after three days of swimmin'. Even the dogz like it. I think my parents are really glad they put it in. We had a very familyish resort style weekend with lots of parties and good food by the pool. Even CORONA!!!!!! mmmmmmmm that makes me not depressed haha.

Love you all and thanks for the comments oh bythe way Mahna's first word was MAMA but that was a month or so ago and she has said Dada since then but it was so cute when she actually said DADDY! She also just got her third tooth and looks pretty grown up next to Stephanie's 2 month old!

XOXO

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

BaCK in Teyhaus

yo readerz i am back from the midwest. Twas a glorious fun filled adventure I must say. A vacation should truly be an escape from "real life" and this was. I didn't know it at the time but it sunk in on the drive home. If it weren't for the Huz being here I may not have returned. The moment I entered Kansas City I had this feeling of "I want to live here again". I can not explain this feeling to Jarrod because he does not see why I would love it there so much. It is gorgeous, peaceful and most importantly my best friends and family live there. It was cool seeing my cousin Adam as soon as we arrived and his adorable 21 month old son who looks just like him. His wife and stepdaughter are awesome people who make you feel just at home. Shortly after we ate a homemade spaghetti dinner I went over to Kelly and Lynne's to see my little angel Golden Kindred who has grown a foot just since Thanksgiving. He was in the upstairs window when we drove up and squealing in delight through the screen. I couldn't have felt more welcome and anticipated if there were a zillion flowers on the lawn. Mahna, my little shy flower, took immediately to Gold in a magical way. She met him at Thanksgiving when they came to Texas, but she was 3 months old at the time. They do "talk" on the phone, but seriously it was so cool how immediately comfortable and happy she was with him. The rest of the trip grownups were trying ever so persistantly to get her to let them hold her with not much luck. She is a mama's girl, what can I say??? So the first night I stayed with them and spent the next morning playing w/ mahna and gold for a couple hours then my aunt becky came over to meet her favoritest great neice. Then Nikki came over and we went out for THAI food *YUM* and had great conversation. My mom took gold and mahna to play w/ my cuzins baby Blake so Nikki and I could catch a movie, too. We saw "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" which is awesome and I highly recommend. It is a chick flick just to warn you. Anna, Mahna and I stayed the night w/ Nikki and she cooked us up an amazing dinner and we watched Little Black Book which was pretty cute. It was very fun and memorable. Saturday I hung out at Lynne and Kelly's playing w/ Mahna and Gold and Sat. night Kimmy came to get me and we hung out at her house. She just got a new house........ she is a homeowner, her and her husband. They made me feel very comfortable. Their house is awesome and struck a jealous tingle in me. Mahna started busting thru a top tooth that night and there were HUGE storms so she didn't sleep well, but Kimmy and I still had fun and snuck in some good conversations and watched half of RAISING HELEN on her super comfy bed. The next day we went to Wally world and I went back to Kelly and Lynne's to hook up w/ Becky, Spencer and Lori. It was so awesome to meet up with everyone and I really enjoyed the house full of family and food. Every conversation was great and this blog entry may be sounding repetitive but every ounce of the trip was just wonderful. That night I stayed w/ kelly and lynne. Gold had to go to summer school early Mon. morning so I looked at a cool website ASTRO.COM w/ Lynne and then Kimmy picked me up to have lunch w/ her at work. Some people got stuck on the elevator at her work which was so crazy. She works at a hospital. Then Lynne and Gold and Mahna and I went to some groovacious shops in Brookside that afternoon. Lynne got Mahna two cool books and bought us all ice cream....mmmmmm. On the way to the car Mahna reached over and grabbed Gold's head and started kissing it then reached out her arms for Lynne..... it was asif she realized we were leaving soon and needed to show them some luv. I am really tired now so all these words are blurring together but I want to get out as much of my memories as I can. My mom came and got me from their house around 8 :15 and I got my cell phone from her which I had left in her car on accident GRRRRRRRR so I noticed I missed a call from Lori. So I called to see what was up and she said she would see me next trip since we were almost to Adam's house. Then I checked my voicemail and she had invited us for coffee at 7:15. I felt REALLY horrible because I would have loved to see their place if I had KNOWN. It is my stupid fault for leaving my phone in the car and that was the only bad point of the trip because I feel like I might have made them feel like I was ignoring or blowing them off and that is not what I meant to happen. We had fun at Adam's house that night> Cynthia and Ryan came over which was awesome. I miss Ryan so much as he was like a brother to me for so long and it had been prob. 2-3 yrs since I last saw him. This morning we got up at 7 and were on the road by 9 but lots of stops along the way so we got home late. My mom did all the driving and was very patient w/ mahna's screaming at times and my grumpiness for wanting to be HOME already and tired of being in the car. Ahhhh. To be home. Jarrod was on cloud nine seeing Mahna and I think they played for like 90 minutes straight without a break. She even said DADDY! She has said da da but she actually looke dat him and said DADDY! TOO CUTE. So on with life we go.......... Tomorrow (WEDS) is my dadeo's fiftieth bday. YES THAT IS 50! Maybe a little shindig going on this weekend. Jarrod will be out of town, but Kendra will be IN TOWN! Woo hoo. Sounds like a good excuse for a sleepover at my parents house. Thanks for reading. Caroline

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

countdown

I am counting down hours now to my trip to Kansas City. I am a nervous wreck. I will be taking my beautiful child to show the people i love out there oh so much. It will be a rush rush tho seeing each person for only a day or less. I sure do love in in KC and would almost live there in a heartbeat if Jarrod wanted to. He probably won't ever want to leave Texas tho, and I can understand. Anna is helping me get my to do list and to pack list in order. Tomorrow will be filled w/ lots of laundry for not only do I need to wash Mahna's and my wardrobe but I must make sure my husband will have a semi clean house and laundry to survive w/out me for six days. Housecleaning is a big stresser for me because I can't seem to put Mahna down long enough to DO IT! Plus this home of ours which we share with Casey is all wood/linoleum and we have a big gravel driveway which means constant dust and dirt which is only controllable by daily vacuuming/sweeping/mopping. I was once the queen of the most challenging home to keep clean. ANyway thanks to Anna staying w/ me the last few days I have been able to do more than usual as she entertains Mahna. Mahna just keeps getting cuter and cuter. Tonight we gave her some nibbles of snowcone and she got very hyper. Casey was chasing her as she crawled w/ all her might screaming like only girls do in delight. Quite adorable. I am glad I get to take her every where with me. Even at Don Pablos tonight when she was hollering to get other patron's attention I could just see the most adorable baby ever sitting in the highchair. OH and she got her 9 month pics taken today. She was quite clingy w/ me as it was a new photographer, so I ended up sitting UNDER the sheet/background while she was photographed. U actually can't even tell in the pictures but it was amusing.

Last night we, as in me and Anna, watched DONNIE DARKO. If you have not seen this movie you must see this movie!!!!!!! It was so great. So unlike any other movie I have seen. TOtally unpredictable, as most mainstream movies are. It is a Sundance film, which made me like it before I even saw it. I actually got to watch two movies this Memorial day weekend. The other one was MEET THE FOCKERS, which I thought was totally hilarious.

Anna is doing my toenails now, what a lucky sister am I!

Adios and Goodnight. Thanks for reading...........

Sunday, May 29, 2005

2 much fun

I have found the music downloads and it is fun! :) I am using music net at aol and I do admit that they don't have a few of the songs i am trying to find, but maybe all muzic sites are that way. Who knows. Can you believe this costs $9 a month plus one buck per song??? Oh well it is still fun. So far I have downloaded, Eminem mockingbird, No Doubt "It's my life", Britney Spears "Slave 4 u", Lita Ford/Ozzy "Close my eyes forever", Remy Zero "Save me", 50 Cent "in da club". I am so addicted! :) It is cool in a way cuz u can download whatever u want for free and then if you want to burn them to CD that is when they cost a dollar. I have only paid for two so far. I heard there is a free way to get songs but I am so behind on this music thing because of having a crapped out no memory having computer for such a long time. I feel like such a supastar having my own CD BURNER NOW!!!!!!!!!! yippee

Today was fun. I got up at the buttcrack of dawn to take my parents to the airport so they could celebrate 30 yrs of marriage in San Fran. I hope they have a glorious time. Anyone who still likes each other after that many years of cohabitation deserves a good trip. :) I am proud to have parents who are still married and purdy darn happy about it. Anyway Jarrod kept Mahna which meant he had to get out of bed w/ her from 6-7 a.m. on a Sunday. Not his favorite thing but they were having a blast by the time I got home at 7:30. I got her to go back to sleep w/ me for about 30 min and that didn't work so we got up and got ready and made it to the 9 am church service. My grandma was happy to sit w/ us in the "parent's box". Then she got to show Mahna off to her friends and I got to chat w/ my friend Brent. A while later me and Mahna and Anna Banana went to Lara's graduation swim party and Mahna enjoyed a sorda cold swim but she was very excited about being in such a huge bathtub.

Well Mahna poo is sleeping now so I guess I will find something fun to do or maybe just go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.. xoxo caroline

Thursday, May 26, 2005

ok

maybe we are moving maybe we are not. who knows. apartments that are cheap are uber ghettoish and that sucks. the good thing would be carpet for Mahna..... maybe we can "tough" it out here a little longer and look for a cheap hud home or sumthing.......... this is all depressing me and making me think constant negatory thoughts yo!

on a happy note i get to go to Kansas City next weekend to see Gold, Nikki, Kimmy and the rest of my family I miss and love oh so much. Jarrod gets to go see Freddy in Virginia the weekend after that. Purdy COOL!

adios

Sunday, May 22, 2005

okay it is final

We are moving....... Now the question is just whether we are moving by the end of this month or if we are waiting another month. More to come tomorrow........

Saturday, May 21, 2005

moving pros and cons

wE might be moving to an apartment. we have not made our decision. Pros of an apartment are our own space and privacy. back to using our nice dishes etc in a kitchen thats not ghetto. no more wood floors, nice fluffy carpet for mahna. cons of moving sad to leave our neighbors, puts stress on Casey to make money faster, costs us more so we won't be able to save as much. it would be safer for mahna than this house is so that is a pro. also it is across the street from the gym i like to go to so that is cool. who knows!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Take the good with the bad

The day started out bad. My dear lovely soulmate friend Bryn moved to Idaho. My husband asked me to find us an apartment so we can move in the next two weeks. He is having too too many problems with his brother, and parents. It is a situation coming to a boiling point.

The day has gotten better because I got a LAPTOP!!!!!!!!! Anyone who has been around me at all lately has known that is ALL I have had on my mind. I wanted to purchase one with credit on DELL.COM but could only qualify for 18% interest and UM NO!!!! So my mom offered to let me get a computer on their credit and pay them back. Jarrod said NO MORE BORROWING (I borrowed b/c of tuition and car repairs before) and that I would have to save up for it. Well I saved up almost $200 so far, so it was in the future for me but not the IMMEDIATE future. Today my mom asked if I could come over and wait for a delivery she had coming and might not be here for. So after touring a crappy but cheap apartment close to my gym in Lewisville I solemly drove over to package sit for her. Much to my shock and oh my gosh just SHOCK my dad had bought me a laptop!!! He said I can trade in my old laptop and the Macintosh that i have for this one! Where else could I get such a great deal??? I mean my laptop is worth didly but the Mac is actually sellable and loaded for anyone who would be LOOKING for a Mac. So I am just on cloud nine! This screen is enormous! It has wireless, 512 mb memory and I can burn CDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY COW!!!!!! I am going to be up all night now! ha! This is so killer it just makes everything okay. Of course Jarrod is not thrilled. he wanted to teach me a lesson and lost on that one but he will enjoy the computer too. HOORay!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 09, 2005

yo yo

I had a good 1st Momma's day. It didn't feel like it was about me, I don't know how to explain it but I didn't feel like mothers day was abou tCaroline. i felt like it was for my mom. I wanted to make her feel happy and queen for the day. It was cool cuz Kendra was here and so we all got to be together. Minus franky of course. I am glad he at least called my mom. I was worried she would be secretly depressed because he blew her off. Of course he was too bizy cleaning the house he lives in now to come by and see her or his sister who came from Austin....... Oh well. Maybe he will come around someday. It is just wierd when you grow up all close to all your siblings and then one of them sort of falls off the face of the earth. Change of subject but there are three CD's that I want that are all quite different genres. I want the new 50 Cent, Gwen Stefani and In Utero by Nirvana. i think I will check out what Amazon.com has to offer me. I got to talk to my buddy ol' pal Cynde tonight who is the designer of my website and a lifelong friend. That was cool. My friend Bryn is moving to Idaho in a week or so and that really bums me out cuz she is a soulmate type friend. Mahna got her first tooth on Mother's day and I broke my toe by accidently kicking an ottoman at my parents house. Lucky for me there is a clinic for people w/out insurance here in lewisville that only costs $30. I have only one house to clean this week on Thursday and an option for another one on Friday, but I dunno. i got a suprise package from my friend Nikki in Kansas City today with an outfit for Mahna, a really awesome fairy card and some stickers and a homemade CD. I am looking into buying a Dell laptop for about $550. Mine is pretty crappy and the screen is broken off the keyboard. I got a new pair of pants yesterday that was two sizes smaller than I wore a few months ago. THAT is a good feeling!!! well that is my update for those of you that love me
XOXO

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Go Mavs

Let's hope the MAVERICKS can kick some booty tonight and stay inthe playoffs! We are having a few peeps over so hopefully it will be a good night. I am dead tired from staying up too late w/ Bryn last night. It was a lot of fun tho so I don' t regret it. She is moving to Idaho in 10 days so I am trying to get her to come over every day!!! I can't believe all my friends always MOVE AWAY!!! Grrrrr. Well I have a yummy recipe for you. I never knew how EASY it is to make stromboli. All you need is a refrigerated pizza crust and a few insides.

Here is the one I made, but you could make one w/ pepperoni and mozzerella or whatever.

1/4 C low fat deli ham
1/2 C low fat mozzerella
1 refrigerated pizza crust
broccoli, peppers etc
1 egg
Italian seasoning

roll out pizza crust (I put mine on my pizza stone) put in ingredients except EGG and fold over to close and seal ends then flip over so seal is on bottom. Beat the egg w/ a fork and brush egg over dough. Cook at 350 for 15-25 minutes until golden brown. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Serves about 4 people

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

i feel like a princess!

I feel like a princess because I have a dishwasher, AND a stove! Yes thank you Casey! I actually have a pretty much normal kitchen. It stays clean looking most of the time now and it is just so awesome. I have also lost another four pounds so I am happy about that, I feel like i am on my way to where I want to be. I am still not on a really regular workout thing, but I am working toward it. I have a gym membership. It has free babysitting. Mahna hates it! Darn. But I figure eventually she will get used to it and enjoy the other lil kiddos and have a good time. Jarrod's job is pretty wacky right now. He started a new one and the deal is that he learns each route, as in running them for 2 wks and then someone is hired to run the route, he gets a different one and is in charge of phone calls and problems on the past route(s). So that is cool, except that he is doing two jobs at once now and getting paid one salary. He is really keeping his head up and looking toward the future benefits of it, but I know it is mentally grueling. The new route he started just two days ago starts at 6:30 AM in downtown dallas and ends at 5:15 pm. THIS is why I do not like the courier business. LONG days. Well hopefully it will lead up to a paid vacation and office job w/ no need for buying a tank of gas every other day. We will see! my dryer is working today, which those who know me know that is rare. I am happy to be doing LAUNDRY. yes I am a domestic wierdo. Haha. This is the first time I have done Mahna's laundry in 3 wks. She is lucky enough to have a very LARGE wardrobe. This also has to do with the fact she can still wear things she was wearing at Thanksgiving. she is just a little peanut child. Weighing maybe 15 pounds these days. Poor thing has a cold right now and it really does make her miserable at times. She is a busy one nonetheless. Crawling all over the house, eating the cat's food and opening up cabinets. So far I think it is pretty fun chasing her. Cleaning jobs have been pretty good lately. I guess it really comes in spurts and this is a busy spurt. My grandma is out of town visiting her sister, who has alzheimers, which must be very hard for her since her sister was her best friend growing up. She usually babysits Mahna and really LOVES the job. My mom has been watching Mahna this week and Mahna is sick so not so much fun to watch, but they do like eachother a lot and are cute together. My mom is very good at getting her to take a nap on her chest. So sweet! Well I better go. Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Weight Watchers Promo

I am happy to say after 5 wks on the "weightwatchers plan" I have lost 9.4 pounds! Yippee! Of course, I need to lose a lot more and it is not very obvious I have lost anything yet, but it is good to know it is going DOWN. My parents are putting in a pool so ya know I gotta look 1/2 way decent in my skivvies. (a swimsuit is skivvies, right???) haha. So far it is the best diet I have tried because you can eat whatever you want as long as you count the "point value" for each thing and don't go over a certain amt of points per day. So I don't feel so depraved and I am forcing myself to learn to eat smaller portions. So it's all good, 'yo! That's all for now. Tomorrow and Friday are cleaning days, Sat. is Mahna's 8 month pics and sunday is Jarrod's 27th bday. ADIOS!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

no title

Well I was very close to getting a free king size bed but darn! The ppl had already given it away last week. Oh well. Casey got out last weds. Things have been fine. We are all getting along great. He rigged my dryer so I didn't have to do laundry at my mom's this week. Should be a relief to her since I have been over taking her laundry room every Monday for a couple months now. I have nothing interesting to say so I will talk to u later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 18, 2005

news!

Casey is getting out of jail on Weds. I am hopeful that things will be fine. It is really good to hear that he will be out of jail. I know it will be a big relief for him and his family. We all got along fine before, so hopefully it will still be the same. Things will be different for him. 2 1/2 years of missing out on daily happenings and not driving etc. Lucky for him he has a very supportive family and an uncle who just started a new company which he will be offered a decent paying job at. Now we just need to get him a BED. hmmmmmmmmmm......

I think I am goign to go get a haircut this week! Tomorrow I have a new house to clean in Irving and then I get to spend my earnings on my cat Nina's shots. Joy! One of our neighbors is making Mahna a pole thing to hang her new swing from! She loves to swing. This morning while I was making my bed she crawled from her bedroom to mine. It was so cute, and she was so proud of herself!!!

Well Jarrod is home for lunch so I better go!

Sunday, April 10, 2005

coated?

Today I actually made it to church. I am sorry to say I really got nothing out of it. I enjoyed the singing but came away with no deep thoughts. I wonder if I should have just stayed home and read more of "messy spirituality" my new favorite book.

We spent the day w/ jarrods grandparents and it was magical. I saw a rainbow that was vivid and purdy purdy purdy.

Jarrod starts a new job tomorrow. I hope that he will be relaxed and confident and do a good job. Mostly I hope that this new company his uncle signed him into is going to be successful.

Casey should be out in a couple weeks. I wonder how things will be for him. For us. Hmmm. I wonder how much longer until we get a house of our own. I am anxious.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

like the new look?

Yes as you have probably looked in on my blog for the last two weeks you have noticed the new picture and design of my blog. Thanks to my talented friend Cynde I have a whole new appearance to the sight. My friend not only does this website for me with her own design, but she is also an inspiration to me. If anyone on the planet should be a personal trainer it is her. All my life I have wanted someone to say get up and go DO and she does. So yea. THanx CC.

Last weekend as you may know if you read Kendra's blog (www.crylaughsnort.blogspot.com) my parents, Jarrod, me mahna, anna and my gma went to Austin for Easter. It was oh so fun. Maybe double fun for me because I had extra help with Mahna and therefor got to partake in some fun activities I usually don't. Hee hee. I also bask in the warm feeling of being with MANY family members. This part of me wants to have many children. Then I snap back into reality. Haha. My favorite time during childhood/teenagehood was goign to the Lake of the Ozarks to my Mimi and Papa's lake house during summer. There would be lots of family members just swarms in the kitchen then on the dock, and swimming, watching tv. It was a safe, secure and always fun environment.

Mahna learned to sit up by herself!!!!!!! I am so proud of her! I know EVERY baby does this but it was so cool to watch her try and try for about 3-4 weeks and finally one day...... POP she got up by herself. Too cool. She is also on a steady twice a day babyfood diet now, although most of her food is still Mama's Milk. I hadn't blogged about this, but I was having a hard time getting her to eat any rice cereal etc. and the DR said "it was time". Well I read part of my new favorite book "NIGHTTIME PARENTING" by Dr. Sears and his advice is every child is different and just let it happen when it is good for them. So I completely quit with the baby food fight for a week straight. When I started up again...... she loves it! She is so funny and cute to watch eat. She makes sounds for everything and I swear this child has electricity in her blood. Crazy crazy cool

I did honestly have intentions of goign to church this morning. I stayed up til 2 am doing digital picture stuff and then when I woke up at 8:15 I realized there was not much chance of getting me and Mahna ready in time for church. Then I was going to go to the later service but when it was time to take a shower Mahna and Jarrod were playing in the bed and it was just too cute to leave....... Ugh. I really gotta work on this section of my life. At least I have MOPS. I am very thankful for my mom's friend signing me up for that. It is good to have other people who discuss spiritual things, things that are real. I don't know why the rest of the WORLD doesn't, since it really is an important thing to so many... Hmm I dunno.

Well Stephanie had her baby! I am so happy for her. She had to have a C section which sucks but I am glad her baby and her are okay. I can't wait to meet little Addy. I wish I had money so I could go buy her a cute little preemie outfit>.. She is only 6 pounds!!!

Thanks for reading! Come back soon.

Monday, March 21, 2005

OKay I am just a big puss. I talked to "boss lady" today and didn't even tell her I didn't want to clean for her anymore. ( if this makes no sense read yesterdays blog) I guess I will wait and either call her or just clean for her again and see what her "list" consists of. My momma says I shouldn't be doing someone's house who just stresses me out. Hmmmmmm.... Well anywayz

today is a good day. I pretty much finished the taxes! WHOO HOO! Self employment + baby = complicated taxes. Mom held Mahna while I did them and Anna kept me silent company. She is staying w/ me for spring break so it should be FUN! She got her braces off today and looks like a whole new Anna! :) We took Mahna for an adventure walk today in a new snobby unbuilt $400,000 house neighborhood close to my parents neighborhood. Crazy that ppl pay so much for houses so cramped together. How great can they really be??? EEK

Well Casey supposedly gets out in 2-3 wks. Wow is that going to be a big change in lifestyle. I have been getting lots of new cleaning offers lately which is pretty groovacious. I am thinking a about joining WEIGHT WATCHERS. It is the only place/gimmick/fad diet I have found that offers something for breastfeeding mothers other than "eat healthy and small portions". And we all know if I could do that I would not be a heffulump.

ADIOS!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

VENT

Today I busted my ass cleaning a house. I literally worked to the point of being sore tonight. I strive to always please my clients, not only for the reason of their satisfaction, but for myself to feel that I did a wonderful job and am a good cleaning lady. I know that I am good at what I do and I enjoy it and I love to make people feel good about their home and brighten their day with no dirt in the corners, etc. It makes pretty much anyone feel great to come home to a clean shiny house. If someone asks me to do something, I do more than what they ask me to do. For example if someone asks me to dust their blinds, I will dust them and wipe the dirt off with a wet cloth. I enjoy serving people. I like to be a flexible housekeeper who can adjust to each individual for what they personally want for their money. Now for the lady I cleaned for today. First of all her husband has a problem with how much I charge. Before me they had a hispanic woman who stayed for 6 hours every Saturday to do whatever Boss Lady told her to (for less than I charge). I explained during our initial meeting that I charge a certain amount for four hours of work and I will get their house cleaned in that amount of time and am willing to do whatever else she might need once I finish the main cleaning, IF there is extra time. I am very prompt and am known to stay 10 minutes extra, even. If I say I will be there at 9 a.m. I will be. I also agreed to do this womans house every other Saturday which I am not really fond of working the weekend, but I agreed, since she works out of her home. So the second time I cleaned for her she came in (while I am scrubbing her toilet, I might add) 1 1/2 hours before I was to leave upset that I might not finish cleaning the whole house. She said her husband was worried they were paying me this large amount of money and I would not be finishing their house like I promised, and that I had spent TOO MUCH time cleaning their kitchen. I pushed down my hurt feelings and told her nicely that I would definately finish cleaning her house within the allotted time frame and resisted the urge to remind her both sides of her sink had been overflowing with crusty dishes. So okay then today I was there over my four hours, their vacuum quit working, so I had to sweep all their floors with a broom that was basically a worn down nub. I mop the floors then dry them with towels to prevent water spots. I offered to bring my vacuum over tomorrow for free, if they couldn't get theirs working. So I get a message on my answering machine tonight (in a sweet as sugar voice) that they would really appreciate if I could bring my vacuum over tomorrow, oh and also they need to "go over a few things with me" because I didn't finish all they wanted done today and she guesses she just "needs to make me a list" because I must not be used to their house yet.

Okay I am just irritated. I don't like being talked down to and I just want to tell this woman to go get her cheap maid back again if that is what she wants. I am not a slave and if she and her husband don't like what I charge for CLEANING than they can find someone else! I have a few other people offering me work right now and everyone I clean for compliments my work and no one has EVER treated me like a lower life form or something like that. I do this job because I want to and I enjoy cleaning and making things beautiful. I do not HAVE to do this. I am not some brainless person waiting to be talked down to.

So I am thinking about quitting her house. I am going to load up my vacuum and my baby and vacuum her house tomorrow for free. I will listen to her side of things and what she sees. I will decide whether this business relationship is worth it or not. Maybe I am being too touchy, sensitive or defensive? If you have read this far, tell me what you think.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

finally!

I swear Mahna has been against me blogging this week. Every time I have sat down to answer these interview questions she has needed something! Well here is my attempt, one week later...

1. What 5 CD's would I have if that is all I could have?

Sarah McLachlan Fumbling Toward Ecstacy (high school)
Chemical Bros. Exit Planet Dust (kendra)
Venus Hum (or) Apoctygma Berserk (sp?)I can't choose !!!!!!
Tori Amos To Venus and Back
City of Angels soundtrack (this is a must b/c it is what I listened to in the hospital over and over when Gold was born)

2. What's the thing u like best about your parents?


They are very generous and don't expect anything in return. They are innocent and cute in a lot of ways. My mom is one of my best friends. Most of all I think I like that they love me no matter what and forgive me for my numerous and repeated mistakes, and don't remind me of them or rub them in!

3. Based on your experience in Highschool what advice would you give to current high schoolers?

My initaial answer is NOTHING because most teenagers don't want to hear any advice because they can figure it all out for themself. Haha! I don't mean that to be mean, it is just true.

But if they would listen, I would say

DON"T HAVE SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that if more kids could/would abstain they could find themselves easier and figure out what they really wanted after highschool better. Also, to take advantage of "extracirricular activities" such as drama, sports, clubs, volunteering etc etc etc to just broaden their horizons and experience MORE and not just pigeon hole their life into a social experience that won't even matter in a few years.
(I may continue this answer later)

4. What has being married taught you thus far about yourself?

That I am freakin lucky to have not ended up with an abusive freaky loser!!!!!!!!!!! haha

It has taught me that I am strong and determined! It has made me realize that I really am able to be a "happy person".

5. What book influenced you the most at this point in your life?

Hm....... The book I think about the most is either certain bible verses, or books I have read about babies. I also really enjoyed Anne Lammott "Travelling Mercies" which sort of gave me a new view of being able to have strong faith and spirituality without expecting myself to be someone else or be 'sinless'.

Thanks for the questions, Brent. Sorry it took so long to get around to answering!

Sunday, March 06, 2005

go ahead & ask

i have been seeing interviews among blogz lately and i want to be interviewed! so ask away and if u want to ask something offensive anonymously i am game for that, too!

Friday, March 04, 2005

Just Say No (to cokes)

I think this essay is very informative and convincing: Just say no to drinking sodas and feeding them to yer kids! EEK


WHY I DON'T DRINK SOFT DRINKS (AND WISH YOU DIDN'T)

by William Frazier, M.P.H., N.C.

There has never been motivation until now for me to assemble in one place

all the information I have accumulated through the years on the harmful

effects of soft drinks, especially colas and those containing phosphoric

acid. Here is a partial list. (My prayer is that multitudes will be able to

personally profit from reading this compendium of facts.)



DISEASE FLOURISHES IN AN ACID ph - COLA-TYPE DRINKS ARE ACID

"All kinds of soft drinks are very acidic, especially colas. In order to

neutralize a glass of cola, it takes 32 glasses of high ph alkaline water."

It is well known by the medical profession that disease loves acid. In

fact, a physician from Loma Linda University said in a speech that if we

could get our cells to maintain a normal ph (slightly alkaline), cancer

could not grow in our bodies."



CERTAIN SOFT DRINKS AND CANCER MAY BE RELATED

Francisco Contraries, M.D., of the Contraries Cancer Clinic in Kiajuana,

Mexico said, "Cancer is like a plant cell; it can't live in an oxygen-rich

environment. cola drinks make our bodies poor in oxygen. cancer is the

second cause of death in America. The average American is consuming 800 Or

more soft drinks annually. Be more responsible for your own life; doctors

have no responsibility for another's health."



SOFT DRINKS OFFEND THE KIDNEYS

A three year study of over 1,000 men with a history of kidney stones

showed: "There was a clear-cut difference in the group's experiences, with

much less renal colic in the men who had avoided soft drinks. Of those who

continued to use soft drinks, there was also a big difference in outcome

depending upon the nature of the soft drink consumed. Soft drinks acidified

with phosphoric acid were the worst offenders. Colas of all kinds, of

course, are well known for their high phosphoric acid content."



COLA DRINKS PROVIDE ZERO NUTRIENTS

As pointed out by Beatrice Hunter in her book, CONSUMER BEWARE (published

in 1971), "Nutritionally, soft drinks are low in value. Their food energy

comes solely from refined sugar. Every element of nutritional importance,

except calories, is zero. Soft drinks have much in common with hard liquor,

claimed the co-discoverer of insulin, Dr. Charles Best. Cirrhosis of the

liver has been found among teenagers who drink large quantities of soft

drinks, as well as among chronic alcoholics." Can we live without a

functioning liver? No. And do doctors have a cure for cirrhosis of the

liver? Not really!



CAFFEINE IS ADDICTIVE; COLAS PROVIDE IT

Soft drinks, including the cola and pepper-type drinks that have caffeine

in them, are the number one beverage of Americans today, with coffee

second. Caffeine is a drug and it acts as a stimulant to the central

nervous system. "In the amounts presently being consumed, it can cause

insomnia, nervousness, irritability, anxiety and disturbances in the heart

rate and rhythm. Cola and pepper-type drinks account for 80-90 percent of

the caffeine added to foods today. Its long term effects on people are not

clearly known."



BIRTH DEFECTS AREA POSSIBILITY

Here is advice on caffeine from the FDA. "In making the public announcement

in September of caffeine's possible dangers to unborn children, FDA

commissioner Dr. Jere E. Goyan urged prudence by pregnant women in the use

of caffeine products. Goyan's words to mothers-to-be: "So while further

evidence is being gathered on the possible relationship between caffeine

and birth defects, a prudent and protective mother-to-be will want to put

caffeine on her list of unnecessary substances which she should avoid." The

old saying that a pregnant woman is "eating for two" has a special meaning

in regard to caffeine.



The Commissioner also noted that studies to date support the wisdom passed

down from generation to generation that caffeine is not for pregnant women

or children. "We hope some day to have better scientific assessments,"

Goyan said, "but for now adhering to the guidance of our parents seems to

be the most prudent course."



ANOTHER PROBLEM: CARAMEL COLORING

"Cola drinks contain caramel coloring which, according to some researchers,

has genetic effects and is a cancer-causing suspect. Polyethylene glycol is

used as an ingredient sometimes. Glycol is used in anti-freeze in

automobiles and as an oil solvent." Perhaps you have noticed that pouring

cola drinks on your windshield in a snow or ice storm will keep the

windshield from freezing over with ice.



BUBBLES AND FIZZ - NOT INNOCENT

"The bubbles and fizz in soft drinks can potently burn human insides; this

is caused by the phosphoric acid and carbon dioxide. The phosphorus in the

acid upsets the body's calcium-phosphorus ratio and dissolves calcium out

of the bones. This can eventually result in osteoporosis, a weakening of

the skeletal structure, which can make one susceptible to broken bones.

Also, the phosphorus fights with the hydrochloric acid in human stomachs

and renders it ineffective. This promotes indigestion, bloating and

gassiness in many individuals. Carbon dioxide is a waste product exhaled by

humans, but they ingest it when they drink cola drinks."



SUGAR - SUGAR - SUGAR: A WHITE DECEIVER

Soft drinks use predominately three types of sweeteners - saccharin or

aspartame in the diet type and sugar, cane syrup or corn syrup in the

regular drinks. "These substances enhance taste appeal and come touted as

"refreshing" and "high energy". The truth is that saccharin has been shown

to cause cancer in laboratory animals and Nutra-sweet and Equal are linked

to convulsions, depression, insomnia, irritability, weakness, dizziness,

migraine headaches, mood changes and mental retardation. (Which of these, I

ask, is something you really want in your life?)



ALLERGIES: WITH OR WITHOUT HIVES

Dr. George M. Halpem, Division of Allergy at the University of California

Davis School of Medicine says that diet soft drinks may cause allergies.

"The potential problem may be due to toxicity because of the increase in

consumption of diet drinks. Acute or chronic hives may be symptoms caused

by this low-calorie, artificial sweetener."



MALFORMED FETUSES IN MICE A REALITY

Another study that caught my attention was done in Japan, by Dr. Yoshihide

Hagiwara and published under the title, The Effects of Foods on the Bones

of Mice. The experiments involved sustaining mice with feed containing

calcium and phosphoric acid in varying ratios. When the amount of

phosphoric acid was increased beyond a certain limit, bone malformation

occurred in the mice. Further increase of phosphoric acid in the food of

pregnant mice yielded 40 malformed fetuses out of 100. the meaning of these

results are self-evident. Too much phosphoric acid can cause birth

defects." Does it happen in humans? Why take a chance!



HOW TO DISSOLVE YOUR TEETH

"Nor am I alone in this conclusion," Haglwara said. "A government warning

was once issued to the manufacturer of a certain world-famous refreshing

soft drink for its suspected effect on the bones of children because of the

large amount of phosphoric acid contained in it. Pour cola over an

extracted baby tooth or a 10-penny nail and see it totally dissolve in a

few days!"



Dr. Clive McCay, working at the Naval Research Institute, placed extracted

human teeth in cola drinks. Within two days, the teeth became very soft,

and the enamel surface lost much of its calcium. Rats, well fed but given

nothing to drink except cola beverages, after six months had their molar

teeth dissolved down to the gum line. When Dr. McCay reported years ago the

rat experiments before the Delaney hearing on chemical in foods, a lawmaker

reminded him that the soft drink industry represented huge economic

investments. He suggested that these alarming findings be soft-pedaled to

avoid disrupting the industry and the economy as a whole. Dr. McCay

countered by stating that the health of the nation's children might be as

important as the welfare of the soft-drink industry." How do you feel about

your children's teeth being damaged?



SOFT BONES OR NO BONES!

My file is full of examples of Americans with soft bones (dissolved, I

believe, by their phosphoric acid consumption) any my heart-felt concern

for fetuses is now a reality - many are being born without face bones, with

missing ribs, with fewer than normal carpal bones, and so forth. Do we

really care? Do we care enough to change our lifestyle? I sincerely hope

so.

If changes are not made by millions soon, Dr. James Beasley's prediction

can be upon us. He said, "If Americans do not change their eating and

drinking habits, within twenty years we will have nutritional

obliteration." I see that as a very viable possibility.



KIDNEY VS COLA: A REAL PROBLEM FOR MANY

Dr. Earl Mantel in his book, "Unsafe At Any Meal" says, "For anyone over

forty, soft drinks can be especially hazardous because the kidneys are less

able to excrete excess phosphorous, causing depletion of vital calcium."

Can a person live without kidneys? No. Is it easy and/or cheap to get a

kidney transplant? No!



METABOLISM CAN BE ALTERED: THAT SPELLS TROUBLE

Heavy soft drink consumption can interfere with your body's metabolization

of iron and diminish nerve-impulse transmission. Sodas may contain - but

are not required to disclose - such ingredients as ethyl alcohol, sodium

alginate (possibly hazardous for pregnant women), brominated vegetable oil

(found harmful to vital organs of animals and considered a health risk to

heavy consumers of beverages containing it) and caffeine.



MORE "REAL" SYMPTOMS

Cola drinks can interact adversely with antacids, possible causing

constipation, calcium loss, hypertension, nausea, vomiting, headaches and

kidney damage. Soft drinks can decrease the antibacterial action of

penicillin and ampicillin.



MORE "SUGAR BLUES"

"The average 12 ounce cola has about 150 calories and over an ounce (9

teaspoons) of refined sugar, a 12 ounce up-cola has 71/2 teaspoons of

sugar." Dr. A. Thrash, M.D., found that 24 teaspoons of sugar in on day

destroys 92% of the body's ability to destroy bacteria.



BLOOD PRESSURE ALTERATION: ON THE HIGH SIDE

Diet sodas that are low in calories are high in sodium. Six ounces of

regular Pepsi cola has 5 mg of sodium; Diet Pepsi has 31 mg (But who only

drinks 6 oz at a time now? - classic Coke Cola has 19 mg sodium. High blood

pressure is very common ailment in our society, I wonder why!

And who shouldn't have high sodium in their diets? My personal answer to

that question, is that the condition which causes a person to have high

blood pressure should be considered a condition where limiting sodium

intake would be helpful. Here are a few of those; certain tumors, kidney

disease, adrenal or thyroid or pituitary gland malfunction, even diabetes

and arteriosclerosis or hardening of the arteries. Soft drinks should be

off limits to persons with these conditions.



A DECEITFUL ADDICTION: CAFFEINE

Caffeine is a member of the same alkaloid group of chemicals as morphine,

nicotine, cocaine, purine and strychnine. These alkaloids all have one

thing in common: they are addictive. Colas are responsible for giving

millions of Americans addicts their daily "fixes". (Forgive my poignant

language - but think about it).

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

howdy

Well it is March. To me this means that there is about one month left until Jarrod's brother gets out of jail. This means we are getting to the end of living on Poydras street. Soon we will be househunting. I am so anxious to get a place of our own that we actually OWN. I am not anxious for all the paperwork, talking to loan officers or whatever it takes to get a house. As you can see I really have no clue and therefor am afraid of the unknown. Since Jarrod is a courier whose income is sort of strange because taxes are not taken out but mileage is deducted at the end of the year on our tax form, on one piece of paper it looks like he makes money. On another piece it looks like he doesn't. It is more complicated than the average American qualifying for a loan. We want to stay in the area but not the ghetto, so who knows. I just pray that it all works out and doesn't cause too much tension.

Mahna is six months old now! I can't believe a half year has gone by. I want to cry, but I am having too much fun with her. Her new fave game is throwing things on the floor. My mom informed me I won't think this is so "CUTE" for very much longer. It is all part of her figuring things out though! Gotta go, she is beckoning me. ADIOS!

Saturday, February 26, 2005

finally!

I finally figured out how to "outsmart" my computer so I can blog again! I wonder if any one even reads it anymore, haha.

So far this has been one of the best weekends I have had in a long time, and it is only Saturday evening!

Thursday Jana called to say she was coming in town. I have not seen her in so long and she has a 6 wk old baby who I hadn't seen and she hadn't seen Mahna, who is almost 6 months old already! So the plan was for Jarrod and I to go stay at their hotel room Fri night. Then Jarrod gets a call to WORK Sat. morning from 3:30 a.m. til noon for a chunk of change. Dilemma! Do we cancel on our friends or do we lose out on a chance to make $$$? See, I usually go with him on these long drive odd jobs. So we are trying to figure out what to do and Jarrod says well how about if you go see Jana and I will do the route myself. I saw this as very unselfish of him. I must say I had such a great time. I cant even remember the last time I got to hang out with a girl-friend and talk all night. We stayed up til 4:30 am watching movies and talktalktalking. It was a good time. I felt so comfortable with her, her huz and their kiddos and of course Mahna was with me and she was very entertained by my 3 yr old goddaughter Bri. Then they brought me home about the same time Jarrod got home from his route and Jarrod told me to go get whatever I wanted to eat, so I got Wingstop which is super yummy and then Mahna and I come home and take a nap with Jarrod and the kitties... I will say one thing about motherhood. WHen you get a chance to get out and about and have some fun, it is just that much more fun because it is not a regular even to be taken for granted. Today I am thankful for each happy moment I do not deserve.

AND IN CONTINUATION:::::
Q 6 is "if you were a historical figure who would it be?"
I would be Ester......... whew what a job!

Q 7 "if you were a book what would you be?"
hmmmmmm that one I will think about

adios and thanks for reading... comment???

Thursday, February 03, 2005

technology is such a hassle

Haha, have you seen those commercials w/ the funny looking guy in the green suit that is doing annoying things and the ad says ' why does technology have to be such a hassle'? Too funny! well my computer at home can not get to the "create new post" on blogger these days! I don't know what the dealio is and I have not made the time to figure it out either! So I am at my parents house posting now. My mommy is in the hospital. She had surgery which was planned and is doing better now. Her blood pressure had dropped low and she had to have three blood transfusions already! She was supposed to get out tomorrow but now I don't think they are going to let her. It is scary to see her laid up in a hospital bed, even though I am very thankful she is doing good and her problem was not life threatening. It is just strange to see HER laying there and needing HER mom to feed her etc. just like she did for me when I was in the hospital. I felt very useless and she was sleeping most of the time cuz of all the meds they gave her. Mahna has been pretty good today and is napping now but I won't let her sleep too long> I started reading a new "get your baby to sleep thru the night" book. This one is so opposite of anything else I have read. It suggests allowing your kids to sleep in bed w/ you until they wean themself into their own bed. And it suggests allowing breastfeeding to continue until the child weans themself whether that is at 6 mo. or 3 yrs. Eek. Sounds scary but I am open to openminded suggestions. Jarrod and I are going to Virginia a week from today. I am excited to visit his brother and sister in law (Freddy and Kristina) and our nephews who we have seen so rarely. I am not looking forward to the plane ride w/ Mahna and all her baby shtuff, but hopefully my prayers for quietness and patience will be answered. At the hospital everyone oohed and aaaahed over her and it is so cute cuz she is now interactive and really puts on a show for those who google over her and sometimes even people who pretend to not see her! haha. Please keep my mom in your prayers as she will be recovering for about 6 weeks from this painful surgery.............. xoxo
p.s The next question on the list is "WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WOULD YOU BE?" Hmmmm I guess I would want to be a........................ Hippo! Then everyone would say look how huge that hippo is, but it's ok cuz I am supposed to be huge. I am a hippo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) How about you? Got any more intriguing and creative answers than me?

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

well whatdoya know

I would have thought "what makes you angry" would have gotten a lot of comments on that last post! Maybe no one is reading??? Oh well. I will type for myself and for anyone who may come upon a rainy day and decide to read all my back issues. Haha.

Todays question is "What is the best time for me?"

There are so many Best times for me.... I would say one is the time that I get to spend with my mom and grandma. I am so lucky to have good mentors like them. Too lucky to really put into words.

I like the time when I get to stay up all night with Jarrod talking or watching movies. That is what we did at the very beginning of our relationship and it is fun when we rarely get to do it now, because it reminds me we are still the same although so much has changed...

I really enjoy the times when I get myself up early in the morning. Like 6 or 7 a.m. and get a good workout, get the dishes done and take a shower, then am ready for the day when Mahna wakes up. That is a good day, especially the exercise part because it is such a good waker upper and antidepressant for me.

YOUR TURN>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> COMMENT PLEASE

Saturday, January 22, 2005

I want the BEST of both worlds.....

That song is in my head. ANywaYz here is question 3. I realize some questions are boring but I want to try to do all of them cuz what the heck! :)

I get angry when........

I see a father hitting his child on tv. (or in person, but that is super rare) When I see a mother angrily jerking her child around. When I see someone verbally abusing a chubby kid. The hurt on all these kids faces makes me see red. I want to jump through the television when I see disciplining out of anger or straight up physical abuse. That is what ANGERS me.

So what is yours?

Thursday, January 20, 2005

question two

If I were a color I would be......

Blue. Then I could be whatever my mood lead me to be. Sad.....beautiful.....mysterious......cold....snuggly. I could be navy blue and serious. Pastel blue and needing to be protected. Blueish black makes you take a second look. No matter what when it's blue you can't ignore it.

If you were a color what would you be?

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

100 journal/essay/story topics

I found a thing from 1981 The ILLINOIS WRITING PROJECT. Here is question ONE and I will answer it and then hope for your answer (or email).

If I were a famous person I would be...

Angelina Jolie because she is super beautiful and naturally skinny (I am shallow) and she is also doing something good with her money and fame for another country. I think she is a great real life mom role model for other women in Hollywood.

So who would you be if you were a famous person?

Thursday, January 13, 2005

yipppppppppeeeeeeee

Jana had her baby today! A lil gurl named BROOKLYN who weighed 6 lb 12 oz and was 19 in. long. I realllllly want to go out there this weekend (she lives in San antonio) and see them. I am so excited she got to have another baby. Jana congratulations!!!!!!!!

as for Mahna she had a fun day with her gramma dar and her g.g. (great grandma) while I cleaned a house. Yes, that's right, I cleaned a house. It was fun, too. The house was very dirty and I enjoyed cleaning the hell out of it. Haha. It was nice to accomplish something without interruptions from my babycakes. I tried to relax and enjoy the peaceful thinking time away from her and not just purely miss her adorable little chubby face.

Then I got to go get a suprise manicure. It was cool even though the nail chick was sort of cranky. My nails look super pretty now so that just added happiness to my day.

Mostly I am thankful my friend had a successful C-Section today and that her baby is here and healthy.

NIGHT!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

mahna mahna mahna

Well my poor little poopkins had to have her four month shots yesterday! It was worse than the two month ones. It was a heartbreaking look that crossed her face when they poked her with four different needles. I couldn't help but think of people who do horrible things to babies. I kept telling her this is for her own good etc etc parent like things to say, but the ultimate look on her face was how could you do this to me? Anyway she is otherwise doing fine and dandy. The DR said "I can't find a thing wrong with her!" so that makes me happy. She now weighs 12 lb. 12 oz. and is 23 1/2 inches long for those of you who enjoy such tidbits. My friend is having a baby VERRRRRRRRRY soon and I can't wait and I am so happy to have a friend having a kiddo around the same time as I did. It is fun to have someone to talk to about the same silly mommy things I am into right now, because everyone knows that people who don't have kids or whose kids are much older just do not care about diapers and spit up and these such things! :) In case Kendra is reading, I must say that I do wish you would/could have a baby right now, too. That would just be too fuN! WEll she is waking up now so I better go. Shots make babies CRANKY!

Monday, January 03, 2005

rain

It sure is a raiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny day. It looks like early evening but it is 9:30 a.m. Why am I awake already? Haha. It is coming down hard again. I have my front window open. One of my favorite things about this cute lil house we live in is this big window in the living room. It is not a great view or anything but I sit at my coffee table with this laptop and can watch the rain while I type. No clutter of my desk around me. I really gotta tackle that desk. Maybe during one of Mahna's fifteen minute naps. I say that almost sarcastically as she really does only take a couple 15 min naps and then maybe one for an hour but usually will sleep longer if I lay next to her. This means I am not keeping up with my dishes and housecleaning etc etc as much as I would like to be. I am reading Marla Cilley "Sink Reflections" which is about babysteps to a clean and perpetually organized house. It also has a moving guide which I am going to adjust to my own needs to clean out the "game room" in the next few months, maybe just a few minutes a day. Casey gets out of jail in April, and if he got out today he would have nothing but a couch to live on. So I have to get all our clutter out of that game room and I am quite a pack rat. I have a horribly hard time throwing anything away. So There is boxes of junk that we don't use but once I start going through them I think of one reason or another to keep stuff. When Jarrod and I got married I almost filled a one bedroom apt. with MY stuff, while he moved in his two litte totes. We are also planning to buy a house next year maybe around August, so I am trying to psyche myself up for getting new things for the house by getting rid of old shtuff. Of course one of my dillemas is What if someone I know could have USED this and I am just donating it to CCA???? And even off that note I don't know if I will donate to CCA or to a smaller thrift store, so that CCA doesn't become even more of a walmart in the thrift store world.
Mahna rolled over the 30th of Dec. That was one day before she turned 4 months. Now I have only seen her do it maybe two more times in the last 4 days, but she definately figured it out. SHe is figuring lots of things out, like one certain kind of screeeeeeeeeeeeeech sound that makes me come get her from her swing or bed when she gets bored. She is making that sound now, so I will just be happy with what I managed to type up today. ADIOS! (happy new year!)

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

new record?

Okay 16 days since the last blog. Dangggggg. I do check my mail once or twice a day, but it is usually in a five minute increment when I can set Mahna down and I think, what could I possibly write in my blog in just a minute? Or I am holding her on my lap which means I can read mail or blogs but not exactly type or if I do, one handed typing takes forever! Anyway, I am becoming some what of a night owl these days. My free time begins when she goes to sleep around 10:30 or 11:30 at night and i just want to stay up and hang out and maybe have a beer or read or do whatever. Unfortunately everyone else has to go to bed cuz they have jobs which require them to get up at a certain hour. I am lucky in that, even if Mahna wakes me up every two hours, I can stay in bed until 11 a.m. if I want to. This verrrry rarely happens, but it is nice to know I have the freedom if I want to take advantage of it. It makes it not a big deal for me to stay up until the wee hours of the morn, for I know I will get sleep one way or another.
Mahna is just a delight and I feel so lucky to have a baby. I just enjoy having her with me. If I go to the store, if I walk into the laundry room of my house, if I go to my mom's or my grandma's house..... She is my little buddy. I am her protector and I love her so much. Corny? Yea, well it is amazing these things I feel. What did I do before this? Yea, that probably sounds corny too.
I sure do love this time of year. I get to be with my family, including Kendra, for several days in a row. I am okay with not really ever hanging out with any friends. I just really see Jarrod at night for a few hours and see my family a lot. My friends are on email or phone and that is all good. I know three people who are having baby girls in the next few months. One of them is due next month and I can't wait to see her new one, as she is a really special person to me, so of course her kids will be too. And not to mention that now that I have REALLY been exposed to the beauty and amazement of "baby", I am truly addicted and will be awed and in love with almost any baby i see from now on.
I have a new favorite show. Law and Order:SVU. It is mostly about rapes and other heinous sex crimes and them being brought to justice. Sounds out there and sick and that is what I thought when I first heard of it but it is intriguing. Anyway it doesn't matter what I like on TV but there have been two statements on this show tonight that made a lot of sense. The first was that devastating things happen all the time, each day that goes by we are NEVER the same again, and sometimes things are more devastating than other days.
The second was this woman didn't understand why she had been raped, because she thought that since her mother had died a very slow painful death and she had gone through it with her that was the only hard thing she would have to endure in life. It seemed unfair to her that she had then been raped and gone through something even harder... This got me thinking of my own situations in life. I thought placing Gold for adoption was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I had suicidal moments after that period in my life of being pregnant with him and leaving Kansas City after his birth, because I thought "my mission in life is done". I was put on this earth to have a baby for my aunt and uncle. I got to have wild fun as a teenager and that was the end result which benefited them. I assumed to know what God had planned for me and my life. Then as time went by I realized my place in Jarrod's life and his ultimate placement in my heart and being a beam in my back. I realized my family and how amazing they are and how much I totally love them and that there are hard things but you move on past them and everyone grows and adjusts in their own way. I am not the ONLY one in my family to have difficult things. Every single person on EARTH has hard things. I am not "special" in that way. And now I see that there is more in life. Quitting drugs several years ago helped me see the world as a larger place and that there is an abundance of possibility. I have had some really difficult times since Gold was born, in other aspects of life. Hard, hard things have been thrown my way which seemed unfair but fighting through them seems worth it in the end. I wonder if someday I will feel freely to talk about those things as I can talk freely about Gold now? Why is it so hard to talk about what is REALLY hard right now in my life? I don't know. Recently well after I had Mahna I had some really bad days of depression which I associate with post partum blues. But could I just get on my blog and pour my heart out to whomever might read and say I am so depressed that I want to run into a pole with my car? I feel useless and invisible and have nothing but self hatred in my heart and mind. I could NOT say that. I felt weak and was afraid to be judged or that someone would say I am an ungrateful person or try to lock me up as a looney suicidal when I just really needed to TALK and make sense of the things in my mind which did make me feel abnormal. It was confusing to feel so sad yet so so so elated by my beautiful miracle of a daughter who is nothing but joy and wonder. I am so thankful for her and I am thankful now that my mind is going back to "normal" and that I don't have sad angry thoughts closing in on my every thought. I truly empathise with those who have consistant depression on a daily basis and their fight against the waves crashing in. THAT is a strong person who can handle that for years.
Well I suppose that is enough of a rant for now. I am sure I have taken up too much of your time already and I do need to go to sleep now that Jarrod has been in bed a couple hours and Mahna is asleep and I am done wrapping all but ONE present and I am tired=======
So goodnight and thanks for reading. Leave me a happy face comment or something so I know you are a true loyal God send of a person in my life to have read my rant and still checked back on my blog after so much time.
Adios..... more soon, I promise! :)

Sunday, December 05, 2004

hold me now......... warm my heart...... stay with me...

I am over the initial shock of giving up work life and money. Well maybe not totally over the money but I have had a marvelous weekend with Mahna. Her pediatrician advised me to quit drinking milk, eating cheese and eggs to see if that might help her not be so cranky. So i have given up my favorite food CHEESE! But I can tell a difference in her after just two days. She is breathing better and her face is not so flaky anymore. Last night I held her while she slept for about 2 hours and again tonight for about an hour before putting her in her bed. I also held her during her nap today and I am probably spoiling her but I just enjoy it so much and so does she. I considered going to church today and it seemed like too much trouble. I hate to say that because I really enjoy hearing what the preacher has to say and getting my thoughts going. But I am not ready to leave Mahna in the hands of strangers or taking her to church with me makes it hard to concentrate. Blah blah blah. I talked to my sistah on the phone today which was cool since we so rarely do talk on the phone. She is such a cool person I really admire her. I also like it that she always asks me if I am "writing" but doesn't get frustrated when I always seem to answer "no". :) I know how important it is to write and my main excuse for not doing it is that someone might read the insanity and confusion I would put onto paper and know what I am really like inside.

Friday, December 03, 2004

jitter

I quit my housecleaning business today. Mahna is so cranky and irregular with her naptimes these days I can't take her with me anymore. A four hour cleaning can take up to six... I just get too frustrated and feel like I am not doing as well of a job as I am getting paid for. The alternative to quitting was to ask my mom to babysit three times a week. Jarrod and I talked about it and really didn't want her to be more of a babysitter than a grandma. I also don't want the time to fly by while Mahna is a baby. If I have the chance to be with her all the time, I should sieze the opportunity. I feel nervous and anxious about quitting. I feel like I lost control of something but I think it is just temporary. I am just nervous about life and changes. I want to be a good mother, wife and all around person. I dunno. I feel depressed cuz I feel out of control. It will pass... That is my update. Mahna is an angel. Fun and adorable. Pure joy in my world. She smiles, laughs and likes to play. It is cool and each new cool thing she does I think wow I can't believe things will keep getting cooler than this!!