pictures again!!!!!!!!!!!!

pictures ! bout time eh?

tis cold YO

Short post: My injury was to my elbow (retarted eh) and it is okay now, although an old shoulder injury sort of came back with the wreck so I wish I had some anti inflammatory or pain medicine. Oh well........ someday. Mahna was not in the car when I wrecked. THANK YOU LORD! She would have got her little head jerked back and forth when we spun around. She did however get strep on Tuesday and has been up a lot with fever etc and has two ear infections. Poor baby. She did a lot better today and hopefully tonight I will get lots more sleep. It is soooooooooooo cold man! And gas heaters really freak me out! Friday is Tina's 7th bday party at Crystal's Pizza. It is also the day I was supposed to be organizing a potluck for MOPS but Tina is more important to me. MEMOIRS of A GEISHA comes out so hopefully saturday or sunday or monday me and grandma can go see it. We both read the book in the same month, so have been looking forward to the movie. It has been a bizy week even tho I only cleaned one house this week. Next week I have FOUR so I will be buzy but temporarily rich. Haha. I hope to finish Christmas shopping next week. The only person I have no clue what to get for is my brother. Maybe a gift card? OFF SUBJECT: Did anyone watch the finale of BIGGEST LOSER last Tuesday? I really wish I knew someone who had recorded it so I could watch it.

stupid black cloud

YEA i have a black cloud when it comes to my car. i wish sooooooooooooooooo hard for public transportation. Tonight I got SMASHED into by another car while driving my grandma to her car, about a 5 minute total trip! My whole driver side is ruined! I can't even open my door. I got a minor injury but HELLO no health insurance so no doctor. Sure this would be all fine and dandy if I had had my HEADLIGHTS ON. Then maybe I could have got my car fixed with HIS insurance money and gone to the DR on his dime. BUT NO I am an idiot and didn't have my headlights on so we had to call it good even though he slammed thru a stop sign and smashed my car and did NOTHING TO HIS (oh maybe a scratch on his big ass bumper). SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tired of Coughing

Ugh, sick for a few days now and why does it seem like it is getting worse and not better? I hate coughing!!!!!!! Can anyone get me some decent cough medicine????? :) Poor Mahna has the bad cough too. I really don't think humidifiers help worth a crap. Some people seem to be firm believers in them, but I just haven't seen any help out of it. And because of her young age and small size she can't really take any USEFUL medicines.

I am working on my Christmas shopping. Jarrod is forbidding me of spending much money, but I really want to buy everyone EVERYTHING. I don't know if this is a "gift" or if it is a mental problem? haha.

Mommy got me the Willow Tree Nativity scene and it is on top of our TV and it looks purdy. I really love Christmas time and all the music and just general good feeling. Of course I say this now, but then every year at this time I find myself drinking or feeling depressed out of my mind and both times I have gotten pregnant were at this time of the year. Not trying to say that getting pregnant has been a BAD thing just sometimes things happen out of depression leading to recklessnes... WHEW too much honesty, better sign off.

over it

Ok I am over it. No more pity party for me. I am over it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! :) Hope everyone is enjoying the fellowship of family togetherness. Family get togethers are my all time favorite thing. I never would have thought when I was 13 that I would say that now. BUT seriously I love my siblings they are so much fun and my grandma is one of my best friends and my parents are awesome and my mom is like a best friend. I like all of us being in one place. I used to like it when all my aunts uncles grandparents etc cousins etc would go to lake of the ozarks in the summertime, too. It just feels good to have so many blood relatives together. Now there are a few relatives I don't look so forward to seeing, but the general feeling is still the same. Things just changed some in our family after Mimi died in the car accident.

I also got a sweet phone call from Nikki today and from my cuzin Cynthia, which was cool!

Anywaysssssssssssssss. Foods good and family wine and football are good. TOODLES FOR NOW

depression

For those of you who didn't see my last post from a day or two ago, I put some pics of Mahna in her halloween costume and a pic of her and Gold from October. Some people may look right past that pic and not realize it is Mahna sitting there with her hand on her 1/2 brother's knee. It is one of my favorite pictures ever, just one of those moments that magically got captured.

This leads me into my depression subject. I spent the morning crying and having a pity party for caroline because Gold is not coming for Thanksgiving. I find out two days before hand. This just sucks and I am just sad.

BUT I have to pull myself out of this sadness. If I live with a dark cloud in my mind, I will go mad. There is nothing worse than trying to make it through a day, singing here and there to brighten the mood, but slowly in creeps this fog. A few moments later I am listening to Metallica and wishing I could close my eyes while I drive. Hopefully this is just a one day thing. I LOGICALLY know and understand that I have soooooooo much to be thankful for. I have NOTHING to be sad about. Life could be so much worse, so many things are such huge blessings in my life. I am so lucky for my whole life my family my daughter my parents my husband............. Things have turned out so awesome for me and it is horrible to feel sorry for myself EVER! I have a 1/2 belief in chemical misfires in the brain I guess, I think more than anything I want to not think of that possibility becakuse denial is much easier than acceptance or facing possible truth.........................................................................................

pics

here u go

They come in more than THREES

Bad things, well I am now living proof they come in more than 3's. It is funny because a few weeks ago Jarrod got a ticket. I told him he better watch out because there were two more bad things on the way. A few days later I got a ticket. A day or so after that I screwed up my bank account and got overdrafts. A few days ago I screwed up my account again. Today I got another ticket. (n0t to mention all the bad luck things that have happened in between) So basically I am having a black cloud over my head month. It is becoming very hard not to feel sorry for myself. The thing is that I feel sorry for myself because I am acting like such an idiot! I am not even on drugs!!!!!!!!! I just keep making mistake after mistake. And then I am telling my family/friends these things and thinking "why am I telling them? why do I want them (and now all of you) to know what an idiot I am being?" I do not argue with police officers but the one who pulled me over today was a sly one. He tried to say that I was going 8 miles faster than I was. Then when I asked to see his radar he lowered it four miles and tried to play nice. When I called him on it again he got defensive about how if I took it to court it would be my "civilian word against his 10 yrs of experience and 80 hours of training". I was speeding and did deserve a ticket. But not for 18 over.......only for TEN over. I thought it was 45 and I was going 50. It was actually 40 and he 'said' I was going 18 over. I am not that young u beefcake head. Oh well. Anyone remember the song by Garbage......."STUPID GIRL"? It's been my theme song off and on for years.

My sister, the nanny

I am guiltily blogging right now because Anna is watching Mahna in the next room. She must feel like I "dump" Mahna on her every time we are together. I was rather envious this weekend when at my friend Jana's house in San Antonio. Her 9 month old is content to play on the floor by herself. She crawls around and smiles constantly. I feel guilty for being jealous but I can never just leave Mahna playing on the floor and walk off to do what I need to get done. Then again........ Brook is Jana's second baby so maybe that is the difference. I have trained Mahna, unintentionally, to need me or someone constantly with her. It is good in some ways. I like to think positively that this forces me to not take for granted her short little childhood and to savor the memories.

We had an awesome weekend.......... I thought we wouldn't ever get there, so much drama happend before we left. I realized at 9:30 pm the night before that I had only 16 dollars in my bank account. I had overdrawn it while Nikki was in town and had NO idea. SO I call Kendra to say don't bother coming to watch Frank if u don't want to so they turned around and went back. Meanwhile Jana and Chris call us a million times talking us into coming anyway and they would pay for gas. It was a back and forth ordeal alllllll night.

I would embellish more but Mahna is on my lap now and I can't type....................

oky doky

i promise to post pictures soon. i have so many! i will narrow it down to the recent past.

don't know how my family would feel about me posting my thoughts on franky drama.

I will let u in on a little of my own drama............ soon

thanks u all

Thanks Brent and Lara for reading a commenting! That was a nice suprise.
Too bad no one needs this computer desk!!!

Well Austin was fun this weekend except for the drama, but we won't talk about that part.

Mahna's room looks SO awesome now. I am so happy that Jarrod and Casey put the carpet in. I know it was a lot of work. It looks so much better and smells so great! Jarrod also got one of the clear baby gates so my cats cant go in there anymore and tinkle. Yippee!!! Mahna loves it! And it is like a big play room now instead of a cramped up bedroom that she never even slept in. We have the crib in our room so it is a little crampy in ours but we spend WAY more time in hers!

Say a little prayer for my brother, he really needs all the guardian angels he can get watching out for him.

free stuff

YO homeys. Anyone left reading? haha. Well I am getting rid of a computer desk so if anyone is interested call me, email me or just come by my house. I may be just putting it out by the curb. There is NOTHING wrong with it, I just don't have anywhere to store it and I need to put Mahna's crib in my room so we can put in new carpet and have more room for guests etc. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE COMPUTER DESK!!!!!!!!! any takers???

nothing to say

I have nothing much to say. It is 11 pm and I am tired. I would like to go to bed, but I would also like to write 4 people letters. I have been screwing around on the internet for over an hour now and it is just precious non-baby time that I am wasting. I have to wake up early to take Mahna to the DR tomorrow to get a recheck on her ears and weight. I have no houses to clean until Friday. This feels very strange to have four days in a row at home with Mahna. We had fun today. We went on a walk (she rode in the wagon) and then we came home and I put her in the stroller and we went on a walk to the vegetable market on mill street. We got some peppers, a tomatoe and some "new" potatoes. They looked yummy but I don't know why they have that name. We also got a loaf of sun dried tomatoe bread but it's not very good. Too dry and not very tomatoeish.

26 years young

Well I had a WONDERFUL birthday. My family treated me like gold and swarmed me with loving words as always........ Mahna was adorable and well it was just an awesome day. Tomorrow we are off on a family voyage to a funeral in Kansas City. My uncle Kenn passed away today.

haha

Yea, I guess it was pretty ironic to say I am squeezing in blogging between housechores when I am doing the "frazzled female" study. Funny I didn't see it that way when I wrote it! I actually think the goofy thing is that I felt the need to BLOG. but this is my connection to some people, and I enjoy keeping this semi-journal of thoughts or events. It may be fun for Mahna to read someday, my thoughts and daily routines while she was just a tiny tike.

Jarrod mentioned "baby #2" tonight. haven't heard that one in a while. I told him before if we want them 2 yrs apart I would be getting pregnant around December.......... Now I don't know. I can't really imagine my stress level with having two. I also don't know if I could clean houses having two kids. I mean, maybe Mahna could go to work with daddy and the baby could go to gma or my moms........... But everything is working out so well right now and I just love my time with Mahna. I hate to take attention away from her with a new demanding needy baby. She is my little princess! how could I downgrade that??? (do I sound like I am asking for convincing?)

So anyway I am really really enjoying a couple hours of quietness now. I was with Mahna and my two neices (age 6 and 9) for 12 hours straight today. We had a blast, and I got frustrated here and there, but it was a good good day. I just can't believe NOW that it is 11 something at night how peacefully Mahna is sleeping (worn out!) and how much I am just truly enjoying silence. I have the TV muted. I enjoyed an hour long phone call with my sister, I FINALLY did my sinkfull of dishes, my kitchen is clean, the house clutter free (mostly) and I have been reading posts in chat rooms or whatever they are called on babycenter. com about weaning and extended breastfeeding. I never have time to do more than email quickly, short blog or check the bank account. So it was cool to read some comments from strangers about what they are going thru with their kids the same age as Mahna....

I think I might crash now.......... night night

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Couldn't think of a title, don't have time to worry about it. Mahna is napping but not for long. i am cramming in two days of bible study in THE FRAZZLED FEMALE which seems so far to be an enlightening study we are doing in MOPS, some emailing which I haven't done in a couple days, a quick blog entry, check the bank account, hopefully vaccuum the living room, clean Mahna's room and finish laundry??? okay it is wishful thinking, but I am going to try! I noticed yesterday that some women who are older and have enormous bosom are the best huggers. I also noticed that men are more picky about their toilet bowl being clean than women because they stare down into it so much! hahahahhahahh Thanks for reading adios

Success!!!!!!!!!

Mahna stayed in the nursery today! Not just for church but for Sunday School too! I got a page to go to the nursery after church was over and I thought she was being too fussy again, but nope, she was playing on the floor with one of the nursery workers. I think it made a difference that last week at the 6:30 service there were only two teenage girls working. This time there was older women and one woman who was really nice and friendly. I did worry about her here and there but I tried to turn my focus back to what I was there for. And afterward my mom went to the nursery w/ me to pick her up and she just clung to my mom and didn't want me at all so I guess she was mad at me, or maybe just really wanting my mom! :)

blogger envy

I am having a pity party, so indulge me or just stop reading now.

Other people have lots of comments on their blog, every time they write. I sometimes write 3 entries before anyone comments. Maybe it is because I write about things that there is nothing to comment about. Or maybe no one reads my blog. Who ever said being a house wife means that your world gets very small, they were right. I am fighting against this though. I go to MOPS at Lakeland and am damn determined to go to church at Crossroads at least for now, at least to give it a fair chance. Mahna got kicked out of the nursery tonight when I tried to go, because she was crying. So it will be a challenge, no doubt, but I am determined. Not for social reasons, but because I want her to have sunday school and all that on a regular basis. I want to give her some forms of stability, since I myself am a basket case who can't seem to stick with anything long enough to make it matter. I am angry at myself, but I am not punishing myself, I just want to fix the things I do not like. For me, I want to fix them. I want to like who I am and be secure in who I am so I don't have to alter my words thoughts ideas to please someone else. i want to be a rock. How is that for a goal?
I am staying this past friday thru monday at my parents house, "babysitting" anna and franky. It has been quite fun, really. I do miss Jarrod, who is enjoying having a bed all to himself and listening to music loud at all hours of the night like he always did before Mahna was born. I don't think it is horrible to have a few day break once in a while. On the second night I stayed here we talked on the phone for 66 minutes in the middle of the night. That was fun.... it was like old times when I was still in Utah and he was here and we only saw eachother every 2 months. He drove at night then (job) and we would talk all night long, once for four hours....... he had quite an enormous cell phone bill. I think it might have been like $400 once. I had a really huge long distance bill too. Anyways. I guess I knew to marry him because of all those long conversations so far away..... well Mahna is awake. Goodnight.

HALLOWEEN!!!!!

`Costume time is coming! I am sooooooo excited cuz Nikki told me about this awesome website that has every costume you can think of and they have tons of BABY costumes so yippee!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to share the website so everyone can get their costumes early enough!

www.buycostumes.com