Tired of Coughing

Ugh, sick for a few days now and why does it seem like it is getting worse and not better? I hate coughing!!!!!!! Can anyone get me some decent cough medicine????? :) Poor Mahna has the bad cough too. I really don't think humidifiers help worth a crap. Some people seem to be firm believers in them, but I just haven't seen any help out of it. And because of her young age and small size she can't really take any USEFUL medicines.

I am working on my Christmas shopping. Jarrod is forbidding me of spending much money, but I really want to buy everyone EVERYTHING. I don't know if this is a "gift" or if it is a mental problem? haha.

Mommy got me the Willow Tree Nativity scene and it is on top of our TV and it looks purdy. I really love Christmas time and all the music and just general good feeling. Of course I say this now, but then every year at this time I find myself drinking or feeling depressed out of my mind and both times I have gotten pregnant were at this time of the year. Not trying to say that getting pregnant has been a BAD thing just sometimes things happen out of depression leading to recklessnes... WHEW too much honesty, better sign off.

over it

Ok I am over it. No more pity party for me. I am over it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! :) Hope everyone is enjoying the fellowship of family togetherness. Family get togethers are my all time favorite thing. I never would have thought when I was 13 that I would say that now. BUT seriously I love my siblings they are so much fun and my grandma is one of my best friends and my parents are awesome and my mom is like a best friend. I like all of us being in one place. I used to like it when all my aunts uncles grandparents etc cousins etc would go to lake of the ozarks in the summertime, too. It just feels good to have so many blood relatives together. Now there are a few relatives I don't look so forward to seeing, but the general feeling is still the same. Things just changed some in our family after Mimi died in the car accident.

I also got a sweet phone call from Nikki today and from my cuzin Cynthia, which was cool!

Anywaysssssssssssssss. Foods good and family wine and football are good. TOODLES FOR NOW

depression

For those of you who didn't see my last post from a day or two ago, I put some pics of Mahna in her halloween costume and a pic of her and Gold from October. Some people may look right past that pic and not realize it is Mahna sitting there with her hand on her 1/2 brother's knee. It is one of my favorite pictures ever, just one of those moments that magically got captured.

This leads me into my depression subject. I spent the morning crying and having a pity party for caroline because Gold is not coming for Thanksgiving. I find out two days before hand. This just sucks and I am just sad.

BUT I have to pull myself out of this sadness. If I live with a dark cloud in my mind, I will go mad. There is nothing worse than trying to make it through a day, singing here and there to brighten the mood, but slowly in creeps this fog. A few moments later I am listening to Metallica and wishing I could close my eyes while I drive. Hopefully this is just a one day thing. I LOGICALLY know and understand that I have soooooooo much to be thankful for. I have NOTHING to be sad about. Life could be so much worse, so many things are such huge blessings in my life. I am so lucky for my whole life my family my daughter my parents my husband............. Things have turned out so awesome for me and it is horrible to feel sorry for myself EVER! I have a 1/2 belief in chemical misfires in the brain I guess, I think more than anything I want to not think of that possibility becakuse denial is much easier than acceptance or facing possible truth.........................................................................................

pics

here u go

They come in more than THREES

Bad things, well I am now living proof they come in more than 3's. It is funny because a few weeks ago Jarrod got a ticket. I told him he better watch out because there were two more bad things on the way. A few days later I got a ticket. A day or so after that I screwed up my bank account and got overdrafts. A few days ago I screwed up my account again. Today I got another ticket. (n0t to mention all the bad luck things that have happened in between) So basically I am having a black cloud over my head month. It is becoming very hard not to feel sorry for myself. The thing is that I feel sorry for myself because I am acting like such an idiot! I am not even on drugs!!!!!!!!! I just keep making mistake after mistake. And then I am telling my family/friends these things and thinking "why am I telling them? why do I want them (and now all of you) to know what an idiot I am being?" I do not argue with police officers but the one who pulled me over today was a sly one. He tried to say that I was going 8 miles faster than I was. Then when I asked to see his radar he lowered it four miles and tried to play nice. When I called him on it again he got defensive about how if I took it to court it would be my "civilian word against his 10 yrs of experience and 80 hours of training". I was speeding and did deserve a ticket. But not for 18 over.......only for TEN over. I thought it was 45 and I was going 50. It was actually 40 and he 'said' I was going 18 over. I am not that young u beefcake head. Oh well. Anyone remember the song by Garbage......."STUPID GIRL"? It's been my theme song off and on for years.

My sister, the nanny

I am guiltily blogging right now because Anna is watching Mahna in the next room. She must feel like I "dump" Mahna on her every time we are together. I was rather envious this weekend when at my friend Jana's house in San Antonio. Her 9 month old is content to play on the floor by herself. She crawls around and smiles constantly. I feel guilty for being jealous but I can never just leave Mahna playing on the floor and walk off to do what I need to get done. Then again........ Brook is Jana's second baby so maybe that is the difference. I have trained Mahna, unintentionally, to need me or someone constantly with her. It is good in some ways. I like to think positively that this forces me to not take for granted her short little childhood and to savor the memories.

We had an awesome weekend.......... I thought we wouldn't ever get there, so much drama happend before we left. I realized at 9:30 pm the night before that I had only 16 dollars in my bank account. I had overdrawn it while Nikki was in town and had NO idea. SO I call Kendra to say don't bother coming to watch Frank if u don't want to so they turned around and went back. Meanwhile Jana and Chris call us a million times talking us into coming anyway and they would pay for gas. It was a back and forth ordeal alllllll night.

I would embellish more but Mahna is on my lap now and I can't type....................

oky doky

i promise to post pictures soon. i have so many! i will narrow it down to the recent past.

don't know how my family would feel about me posting my thoughts on franky drama.

I will let u in on a little of my own drama............ soon

thanks u all

Thanks Brent and Lara for reading a commenting! That was a nice suprise.
Too bad no one needs this computer desk!!!

Well Austin was fun this weekend except for the drama, but we won't talk about that part.

Mahna's room looks SO awesome now. I am so happy that Jarrod and Casey put the carpet in. I know it was a lot of work. It looks so much better and smells so great! Jarrod also got one of the clear baby gates so my cats cant go in there anymore and tinkle. Yippee!!! Mahna loves it! And it is like a big play room now instead of a cramped up bedroom that she never even slept in. We have the crib in our room so it is a little crampy in ours but we spend WAY more time in hers!

Say a little prayer for my brother, he really needs all the guardian angels he can get watching out for him.

free stuff

YO homeys. Anyone left reading? haha. Well I am getting rid of a computer desk so if anyone is interested call me, email me or just come by my house. I may be just putting it out by the curb. There is NOTHING wrong with it, I just don't have anywhere to store it and I need to put Mahna's crib in my room so we can put in new carpet and have more room for guests etc. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE COMPUTER DESK!!!!!!!!! any takers???

nothing to say

I have nothing much to say. It is 11 pm and I am tired. I would like to go to bed, but I would also like to write 4 people letters. I have been screwing around on the internet for over an hour now and it is just precious non-baby time that I am wasting. I have to wake up early to take Mahna to the DR tomorrow to get a recheck on her ears and weight. I have no houses to clean until Friday. This feels very strange to have four days in a row at home with Mahna. We had fun today. We went on a walk (she rode in the wagon) and then we came home and I put her in the stroller and we went on a walk to the vegetable market on mill street. We got some peppers, a tomatoe and some "new" potatoes. They looked yummy but I don't know why they have that name. We also got a loaf of sun dried tomatoe bread but it's not very good. Too dry and not very tomatoeish.

26 years young

Well I had a WONDERFUL birthday. My family treated me like gold and swarmed me with loving words as always........ Mahna was adorable and well it was just an awesome day. Tomorrow we are off on a family voyage to a funeral in Kansas City. My uncle Kenn passed away today.

haha

Yea, I guess it was pretty ironic to say I am squeezing in blogging between housechores when I am doing the "frazzled female" study. Funny I didn't see it that way when I wrote it! I actually think the goofy thing is that I felt the need to BLOG. but this is my connection to some people, and I enjoy keeping this semi-journal of thoughts or events. It may be fun for Mahna to read someday, my thoughts and daily routines while she was just a tiny tike.

Jarrod mentioned "baby #2" tonight. haven't heard that one in a while. I told him before if we want them 2 yrs apart I would be getting pregnant around December.......... Now I don't know. I can't really imagine my stress level with having two. I also don't know if I could clean houses having two kids. I mean, maybe Mahna could go to work with daddy and the baby could go to gma or my moms........... But everything is working out so well right now and I just love my time with Mahna. I hate to take attention away from her with a new demanding needy baby. She is my little princess! how could I downgrade that??? (do I sound like I am asking for convincing?)

So anyway I am really really enjoying a couple hours of quietness now. I was with Mahna and my two neices (age 6 and 9) for 12 hours straight today. We had a blast, and I got frustrated here and there, but it was a good good day. I just can't believe NOW that it is 11 something at night how peacefully Mahna is sleeping (worn out!) and how much I am just truly enjoying silence. I have the TV muted. I enjoyed an hour long phone call with my sister, I FINALLY did my sinkfull of dishes, my kitchen is clean, the house clutter free (mostly) and I have been reading posts in chat rooms or whatever they are called on babycenter. com about weaning and extended breastfeeding. I never have time to do more than email quickly, short blog or check the bank account. So it was cool to read some comments from strangers about what they are going thru with their kids the same age as Mahna....

I think I might crash now.......... night night

asd;lfkjasdopijblekmal;skdnnfoi

Couldn't think of a title, don't have time to worry about it. Mahna is napping but not for long. i am cramming in two days of bible study in THE FRAZZLED FEMALE which seems so far to be an enlightening study we are doing in MOPS, some emailing which I haven't done in a couple days, a quick blog entry, check the bank account, hopefully vaccuum the living room, clean Mahna's room and finish laundry??? okay it is wishful thinking, but I am going to try! I noticed yesterday that some women who are older and have enormous bosom are the best huggers. I also noticed that men are more picky about their toilet bowl being clean than women because they stare down into it so much! hahahahhahahh Thanks for reading adios

Success!!!!!!!!!

Mahna stayed in the nursery today! Not just for church but for Sunday School too! I got a page to go to the nursery after church was over and I thought she was being too fussy again, but nope, she was playing on the floor with one of the nursery workers. I think it made a difference that last week at the 6:30 service there were only two teenage girls working. This time there was older women and one woman who was really nice and friendly. I did worry about her here and there but I tried to turn my focus back to what I was there for. And afterward my mom went to the nursery w/ me to pick her up and she just clung to my mom and didn't want me at all so I guess she was mad at me, or maybe just really wanting my mom! :)

blogger envy

I am having a pity party, so indulge me or just stop reading now.

Other people have lots of comments on their blog, every time they write. I sometimes write 3 entries before anyone comments. Maybe it is because I write about things that there is nothing to comment about. Or maybe no one reads my blog. Who ever said being a house wife means that your world gets very small, they were right. I am fighting against this though. I go to MOPS at Lakeland and am damn determined to go to church at Crossroads at least for now, at least to give it a fair chance. Mahna got kicked out of the nursery tonight when I tried to go, because she was crying. So it will be a challenge, no doubt, but I am determined. Not for social reasons, but because I want her to have sunday school and all that on a regular basis. I want to give her some forms of stability, since I myself am a basket case who can't seem to stick with anything long enough to make it matter. I am angry at myself, but I am not punishing myself, I just want to fix the things I do not like. For me, I want to fix them. I want to like who I am and be secure in who I am so I don't have to alter my words thoughts ideas to please someone else. i want to be a rock. How is that for a goal?
I am staying this past friday thru monday at my parents house, "babysitting" anna and franky. It has been quite fun, really. I do miss Jarrod, who is enjoying having a bed all to himself and listening to music loud at all hours of the night like he always did before Mahna was born. I don't think it is horrible to have a few day break once in a while. On the second night I stayed here we talked on the phone for 66 minutes in the middle of the night. That was fun.... it was like old times when I was still in Utah and he was here and we only saw eachother every 2 months. He drove at night then (job) and we would talk all night long, once for four hours....... he had quite an enormous cell phone bill. I think it might have been like $400 once. I had a really huge long distance bill too. Anyways. I guess I knew to marry him because of all those long conversations so far away..... well Mahna is awake. Goodnight.

HALLOWEEN!!!!!

`Costume time is coming! I am sooooooo excited cuz Nikki told me about this awesome website that has every costume you can think of and they have tons of BABY costumes so yippee!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to share the website so everyone can get their costumes early enough!

www.buycostumes.com

commercial

I would like to pass on some lovely information about two new products I recently discovered. It is quite possible the rest of the world already knows about them, but I am passing them on nonetheless.

#1 is Johnson and Johnson Baby Vapor bath
This is basically vicks bubble bath. It is so awesome!!! What could be better than soaking in a warm bath with vicks bubbles when you have a cold or stuffy nose???? I have been using it for mahna for a few days, but I think it is just as awesome for adults. Available at Walmart for like $3.50. I would like to thank JANA for always knowing the latest baby gizmos and passing on the info to me!

#2 Wood Oil
I am not going to reccommend any certain brand of this but I bought the cheapest one for about $2.50 (at Walmart of course). I got the one with lemon oil. It advertises to be used on wood, so I polished up my piano with it, which is pitiful looking all scratched up and has rings from people's glasses being set on it. Well it sure does look a HECK of a lot better now! I can't believe how much "oiling it up" did for it's appearance! So now I am obsessed with OILING PEOPLE'S WOOD. Yes, every house that I clean I am scoping out a piece of furniture that is oilable. By the way I did it just like dusting, just a little oil on a cloth scrub a dub! AND as an added bonus the oil also takes soap scum right off shower doors and handles! I have been looking forever to find something to do that, and who would have thought lemon oil would be the thing???

That is all for now my 30 second commercial.

another weekend gone

It is 11 at night and I just now realized today was the four year anniversary of nine eleven. I wonder if it was not on the news or if i just wasn't watching the news???

I have been trying for over a week now to print and send pictures to a few people whom I think might care to have printed pictures from Mahna's first birthday. I am very tired...... Mahna was up like every HOUR last night. I tried holding her and laying her on my chest to sleep, which she really liked but I couldn't sleep then and I would move around too much for her to stay asleep very long. I think I was awake from 3-5 a.m. straight, just thinking and struggling to keep her and I both comfy. She has a bad cough and stuffy nose. So I finally got her to sleep next to me later like around 9 this morning or something and she slept til about 12:30. Jarrod always sleeps in on the weekends, so he was very suprised we were still in bed with him when he woke up.

I spent the afternoon at the in-laws playing with Tina and Katherine (my nieces) which was fun, then we went to wally world to get a humidifier for MaHna and look at halloween costumes and decorations for an hour or so. So far I haven't found a costume small enough for my poopkins. I think I need to check out Once Upon A Child before they get too picked over.

Yesterday we went to a party at CinCin's and it was really fun!!!!! All us women folk hung out outside talking about babies and stuff like hair products etc. The men stayed inside watching the Longhorns WIN. There was some yummy food and I got to drink Smirnoff Ice.mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I didn't go to church. I figured they wouldn't let Mahna in the nursery with a cough like she has. maybe next weekend........... Hopefully she will be feeling much better by then!

So there ya go......... another weekend gone.

Do I talk about Mahna too much?

I notice that every post is about her. Maybe I should find other things to discuss also? But while we are on the subject of her (haha) she is very grumpy the last two days. She seems to be throwing fits about everything. She no longer has a fever, but I know she is still teething, she hates ORAJEL (the numbing teething stuff) and has changed from my sweet baby who would always take her medicine easily, into a baby who spits it all over me when I give her tylenol. I got to quite a point of frustration being home with her all day yesterday. We did go to the lake for a little while with Jarrod during his lunch break, but then the rest of the afternoon just seemed to go on and on and on and the house seemed so small. It was like we ran out of things to do or play with and she was cranky so I just felt like I couldn't make her happy. She got two naps so I dont' think she was tired, ugh... it sucks just not knowing what to do. My mom watched her about 6 hours today while I cleaned and ironed for a customer. I have never ironed so much in my life and my back is KILLING ME!!! But I am glad to have money for groceries etc now. I felt bad that Mahna was so grumpy for my mom today, but I am glad my mom is so sweet about it and loves her so much. Mahna also hasn't been sleeping very well. I still have not put her in her crib, and at bedtime I never want to, but in the middle of the night I sure wish I would have. But then when she starts sleeping in her crib won't she still wake up every few hours in pain because of her teeth or wanting to nurse? Where is my instruction manual???

On other kiddo news....... Gold turned SEVEN years old today! My gosh! And in celebration of his birthday I would like to thank a few people. My parents, Kendra, Franky and Anna for being so supportive and not manipulative or selfish about his adoption, then and now. Lynne and Kelly for really taking on the role of parenting and giving it 100% of themselves for him. Brent for being there to help me break the news to my parents that I was pregnant at 18 years old, I will never forget you for that. My friends who care to ask about him and who stay positive for my mental sake. You all rock!

Gold will be celebrating with a open house party and took popsicles to school today. I asked him what his favorite part about his birthday was and he said THE PARTY! Which I thought was very cool that he didn't say THE PRESENTS! :) He is a smart amazing kid and I am truly glad I gave birth to him seven years ago today.

THE END

not too shabby

Well the weekend wasn't HORRIBLE like I thought it would be. I went to the DR and he gave me free medicine, so that was kewl. I made it home in time (from the DR) to put Mahna in the stroller and walk up the street for the "Western Days Parade". I figured we would stay a few minutes and walk back home, but she really loved it! We made it just in time for the beginning and it took about 30 min. to pass by. She loved the girls twirling flags, the marching band, and the horses. She got to eat a sucker which she smeared all over her face and enjoyed thoroughly. It made me look forward to the future and all the things we can do while she is a kiddo. I see how having a kid can give you a good excuse to do things you might feel silly doing otherwise, even though it would be perfectly fine to go to a local parade just because. The rest of the weekend Mahna has been pretty pitiful. She has a fever from teething, diaper issues from her antibiotic and just kind of limpness from fever and pain medicine and lack of sleep. I have spaceyness from medicine, lack of sleep and too much FOOD. How does that fit in? Well we had dinner at my parents' house after swimming. Yummy stuff and fun to see everyone loving Mahna so much. It seemed like the first time she forgot about feel crappy today while she was in the pool...................................................... ENUF FOR NOW>>>>ADIOS